whenever i make it a point to stop busy-bodying around and actually put myself to bed at a decent time, my daughter wakes up during the night.
on the nights when i'm up super late cleaning, straightening or doing some other restless (or useless) activity like incessant internet surfing because i'm just not ready for bed, my Angel Face sleeps like the baby she is. so basically, when i lose sleep because of my own fault, Angel Face sleeps soundly all through the night. when i determine to get a good night's rest and go to bed early, Angel Face wakes up...
she must have a sensor in her bed that's connected to some sort of time piece. because let's face it - she can't tell time. so she must have rigged up some hi-tech device that alerts her to when i've gone to bed before midnight so that she can plan to wake up at 2am.
babies are a lot craftier than they let on.
and my little gosling would not go back to sleep. i nursed her (which usually knocks her right out during her middle of the night wakings), but not last night. she was UP - jolly as can be, "talking" to me, clapping, smiling, looking all around the room. i couldn't help but laugh as i asked her, "Little Child, do you know what time it is?" as she responded with a giggle and a toothy grin as if to say, "Nope! But, so what? Let's play!"
it took a few attempts at trying to get her back in her bed. she wailed when I put her back down to sleep, so I had to lay with her, stomach to stomach, with her cradled in the nook of my left arm, until rest found her again. I drifted off to sleep with her nuzzled up beside me and awoke at 4:45 am to gingerly place her back in her bed and try to salvage some sleep.
that is, until my alarm clock so rudely interrupted me a short time later.
although i was so sleepy this morning, as i am most mornings after many many nights like last night, i woke up ready to face my day - not complaining or irritable because of the sleep interruption and deprivation. my heart was ready for prayer; as i washed up and got ready for work, i sang an old hymn that i haven't heard nor sang since high school but clearly the Holy Spirit placed it in my heart this morning.
and i was so excited to see the sleepy face of my beautiful little girl squinting and smiling up at me from her little bed.
every morning when I see her face, it's like seeing her for the first time all over again. the excitement never ever dies.
i hope it never does.
as i hustled around my apartment (because of course i was running late, as always) and went through the morning routine of packing the baby's breakfast, lunch, snacks (and dinner tonight because her dad will be picking her up so i can go to the gym), nursing my daughter during our usual "Morning Leche" session, while i simultaneously change her diaper and slip her clothes over her head, and then pump some extra milk, grab the breastpump bag, the diaper bag (which i had thankfully packed the night before to free some time this morning), strap Angel Face in her car seat, grab my purse and lug all of us out the door to the car, realize that it's chilly and she needs a sweater, so drop the bags off in the car and lug the baby back into the house to grab her sweater, then back outside and off to Granny's house to drop her off, then to the metro to catch my train and head to work.....whew! i realized how exhausting all the daily tasks are.
completely exhausting.
but i really do it all with joy. and i'd do it again, and again, and again for my precious little Angel. she deserves it and much more. i praise God for giving me the strength and energy to do this every day. and to do it with pleasure. it has to be God.
it has to be.
and right now i'm listening to this wonderful song and video that is played on Nick Jr. that my daughter LOVES. every time it comes on, i stop whatever i'm doing, turn up the volume loudly and dance with her. :-)
in spite of the hard times i'm facing, these really are great days, great memories being created, great love being shared.
1. Time is scarce so you do what you can, when you can. i.e. Using a breastpump while driving to an appointment isn't all that hard. Just drape a jacket or blanket over you so the gross guy in the car beside you doesn't get a cheap thrill. And you can certainly save time by breastfeeding while brushing your teeth in the morning. Just don't dribble toothpaste on the kid.
2. Sleep is as precious and rare as a red diamond. So you will find yourself napping whenever you can. Who needs to eat during a lunch break when you can nap in an empty office?
3. No one cares about you anymore. It's all about the baby. They will knock you over to grab the baby from your arms when you arrive at their homes. But you won't really mind because you appreciate how much people love your baby.
4. You will have much, much less tolerance for people's sob stories. When someone without kids whines to you about how tired they are because they worked late last night, you will fake sympathy while thinking to yourself "Yeah, Yeah, Boo-Hoo, i haven't slept in 6 months!!"
5. Lack of sleep will make you an irritable, emotional mess some days. Get used to it.
6. Your heart will break every time your baby cries and you can't console him/her right away (like when he/she starts screaming and you're in the shower). But you WILL get over it. Eventually, you'll tune it out while you get important things done. It doesn't make you a bad parent, but sometimes the baby has to wait.
7. Babies don't like to wait. They have zero patience and zero tolerance.
8. Cleanliness used to be next to godliness. Now, cleanliness is, "It doesn't look that bad. I'll get to it next week." You will not have time to keep the house spic-and-span anymore.
9. You will learn to forego a shower sometimes. When your baby kept you up all night and you subsequently overslept and are super late for work, a quick "birdbath" at the bathroom sink will get the job done until further notice.
10. You will trust no one to know how to properly care for your child. Not even a woman who has birthed and raised 14 kids of her own. Somehow, even SHE will not seem fit to care for your baby, because well...it's YOUR baby. And no one knows how to love and care for your baby but you.
11. You will learn the true meaning of unconditional love. When your baby has caused you to miss meals, lose valuable sleep, you're exhausted, falling asleep at your desk, cranky and mad at the world...yet you still can't wait to get home and see that sweet little face and hold her/him in your arms, you will know that you'd have it no other way. Fatigue and all, it's all worth it. Every single minute.
12. Cookies and water are an acceptable breakfast. As a matter of fact, it's an acceptable lunch and dinner too.
13. You will blink and your baby will grow 10 sizes right before your eyes. Don't blink too long or too hard so you don't miss any of the fast-moving precious moments in your baby's life.
14. You will compare your post-baby body to every woman's body you see. It can become obsessive so try not to let your thoughts run away with you. Remind yourself that a beautiful human being was carried by that body and try to accept your new lumps, bumps and stretch marks. And if you don't have any lumps, bumps or stretch marks, you make me sick.
15. You will forget everything important. Paying bills on time, assignments and work, sending cards for birthdays and anniversaries. All of your brain activity goes toward trying to stay awake and thinking about your child.
16. When your baby cries for you and wants you and only you, it will melt your heart and make you feel like the most loved woman in the world.
i'm calling this "stew" because it's full of random ingredients.
*** there are some things worth fighting for.
there are some things that must be let go.
sometime we fight on because we're afraid to let go. sometimes we let go because we're afraid.
it's no simple task to determine the difference. it's funny how well we think we know ourselves, but even our own hearts can mislead us. only God can open the eyes of your heart to help you properly discern the difference.
***
tomorrow is the first day of spring - YIPPEE!!! i'm so excited i could burst. i'm torn though because on one hand, i want to get out and enjoy the 70+ degree sunshiny saturday.
but on the other hand, my apartment is a MESS!! due to my baby girl shifting back into a phase of not sleeping consistently through much of the night, i've been exhausted for the past several weeks, barely squeezing in 5 hours of sleep a night (with at least one or two wake-ups). so i haven't lifted a finger to clean.
i DID spend last weekend washing 4 loads of laundry - only to leave the clean clothes piled in baskets because i couldn't find the time to fold and put it all away. and when i finally did have the time, i was too tired.
but who wants to be stuck inside cleaning on the first day of spring??
***
to help celebrate spring and to celebrate Jesus's Resurrection, i bought my daughter a cute little Easter-themed flower pot. i'm going to start a plant for her that i hope will thrive and grow so that in a couple of years when she's old enough, she can take a little watering can and nurture her very own plant. it is my hope that i can tell her how her Mommy started this plant for her when she was 5 months old and how it symbolizes the planting of God-seeds in her heart that will spring up new life if watered and nurtured. I want to teach her that just as her plant needs to be fed and watered in order to grow, her spirit likewise needs to be tended to in order to flourish. and that if the seed of God's word falls on fertile soil in our hearts, it will grow and bloom.
i think it will be a fun project and i'm looking forward to starting her little plant. i can just picture her at 2 years old holding a tiny watering can with her name on it, watering her little plant :-)
***
physical therapy is like going to the spa twice a week. because of my injuries from the car accident in January, i have to go to physical therapy every tuesday and thursday for about an hour and a half each session. i adore my PT...he's awesome.
though he works me pretty hard and the therapy can be rigorous at times, it's refreshing. i get a massage twice a week at each session; i get a great workout each session -my PT makes me do a bunch of squats, and lots of other exercises to build strength in the areas in which i was injured. then at the end of each session i get "ice and stim" (short for 'stimulation') where i get to lay on a bed with electrodes hooked up to my back that send pulses to my injured muscle tissue, all while laying on a cold pad to ice my back. it's soooo relaxing and i always drift off to sleep.
***
eating vegan cookie dough is great because you don't have to worry about contracting salmonella since it contains no raw eggs!
***
being a parent, i now am beginning to understand God's love for us even more. when i look into my daughters eyes and she smiles loving at me, my heart melts and i can't squeeze her tightly enough. i think of her all day long and no matter how tired i am, i can't wait to go pick her up after work. when she gets excited as i walk into the room and call her name, my entire self lights up. she knows me and that means more to me than anyone else knowing me. when she cries, i want to do whatever i can to stop her tears. i want to hold her constantly, protect her at all costs, go out of my way to make sure she knows i'm here for her and that i love her.
how much more then, does God, my Father, love me? does He get excited when i acknowledge Him? does it warm His heart when i get excited to spend time with Him? when i tell Him i love Him and look longingly to Him, does He hold me even tighter? does He long to see me every day? does it break His heart when i get so busy that i don't make time for Him? does He miss me?
***
i have had such an insatiable sweet tooth lately. i'm so afraid that i'm going to push myself right into diabetes-ville. i could have something to do with sleep deprivation. i think i remember reading that when you lack sleep, you crave sugar more. yikes.
***
i just read an article about a type of jellyfish that is "immortal." it is the only animal able to revert back to its polyp stage - meaning it can go from full adulthood back to a baby then back to adulthood again. therefore, there really is no natural limit to its lifespan (unless some external force kills it). you know how some animals, like starfish, worms and salamanders can regenerate parts of their body (i.e. if part of its body gets cut off)? well basically this jellyfish, turritopsis nutricula, can regenerate its entire body, over and over again. it's called transdifferentiation.
i'm going to make it a point to use the word "transdifferentiation" at least once this weekend.
we all have a habit of loving others the way WE want to be loved. or the way WE feel like loving them.
but rarely do we take the time to learn how someone else wants to be loved.
we all receive love in different ways. we all speak a different love language. while one person wants to be shown love through affection, another person wants to be shown love through kind gestures and service.
how often do you ask those you love how they want to be loved? or do you just show love the only way you know how and leave it at that?
it's a challenge to love another person their way instead of our way. it means we have to learn them and unlearn what comes naturally to us. if you're not a naturally affectionate person, it may be hard for you to show affection to someone who strongly desires it from you.
if acts of service are not your forte, it may make you uncomfortable to go out of your way to do nice things for someone just because they desire it. but if we are to have meaningful, full, blossoming marriages, friendships, courtships, and familial relationships, we have to take the time to learn how to love the other person the way THEY want to be loved. don't impose your definition on them. don't try to love everyone the same way because we are not all the same.
men, don't try to love your woman the same way you've loved other women - she's unique and different from any other woman you've met. love her uniquely and differently.
women, don't try to love your man the same way you've loved any other man. he's special and one-of-a-kind. so love him HIS way.
mothers, don't try to love one child the same way you love another child. each child is precious in their own way and wants to receive your love in a different way.
you wouldn't try to speak German to someone who only speaks Arabic would you? because they wouldn't understand. if you want communication to be effective, you have to learn their language.
take the time to learn how to love the special persons in your life. watch them, pay attention to them, ASK them.
i guarantee it will help your relationships to be that much stronger and better. and the other person will in turn love your socks off, as they recognize that you're learning to speak their language. that you're learning how to love them uniquely; that you're learning THEM.
and one thing every single human being has in common is that we all want to be understood.
did elton john really say in a magazine interview that he thought Jesus was a ""compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems."
really, elton?
ok, i get that not everyone is a Christian. i get that not everyone cares about who Jesus is and how awesome He is. i get that some people live in a way that is contrary to what God wants for our lives and no amount of arguing is going to change that - only God can change their hearts. and i get that until the Lord opens their eyes and hearts the message of the cross is foolishness to them.
but the same way that gay people want the entire world to respect and accept them for their beliefs, choices and lifestyle without speaking ill of them or hurting them in any way, why not give the same respect to Christians and others alike who do not support their lifestyles?
why make such offensive comments about our Lord when you know that, though you may not think that calling someone gay is offensive, that Christians will be offended that you called our Savior gay?
...or did that not cross his mind. but then when we speak out against a gay person who blasphemes our Savior, we're called intolerant, judgmental, and hateful.
why are gay people so gung-ho about standing up for themselves and what they believe in, but if a Christian does the same, all of a sudden we're wrong?
now i'm not saying that Neal Horsley was right for holding up "elton john must die" signs on the internet in response to elton's blasphemous comment. but i'm not saying he was wrong either.
it may not have been the route i would have taken. but maybe it's time for Christians to be that mad when people speak evil of our God. maybe it's time that we're so offended by the way the world badmouths our Lord, by the way the world tries everything in its power to discredit God's Word, by twisting and manipulating His Word, that we should be belligerent and angry and fighting mad. He is OUR GOD! we get angrier when people speak ill of US, when someone lies on us, calls us a name, speaks badly about our friends, relatives, children...
but when someone speaks evil of our God, we say nothing.
i'm not at all surprised by what elton john said. it was disrespectful and unnecessary but i'm not surprised in the least bit. why are we shocked when the world speaks out the evil that is already in their hearts?
i'm not surprised that Horsley was arrested for his threatening sign on the internet. the law of this land is not designed to defend the Word of God.
and i'm not saying that we should resort to violence like former Christian Crusaders and start killing everyone who doesn't believe. but what i am saying is that it's time for us to stand up for God way more than we have been. if the world isn't afraid to speak out AGAINST God, we shouldn't be afraid to speak out FOR God.
people would be wise to watch their step. God has tolerated evil for a mighty long time without exercising His judgment. He's merciful and His grace is bountiful because He desires that all men be saved.
But that grace and mercy DO have a limit, my friends. and i firmly believe that He is reaching the end of His rope pretty swiftly. if you think the God of the universe is going to sit back and dismiss all the filth being spoken of Him and His Son, you're wrong.
i'd hate to have to stand before God and explain calling His perfect Son a gay man...
but despite the runny and stuffy nose, sore glands, sneezing, slight fever and fatigue, i'm so glad to be home with my little one today. life has been so hectic these last couple of weeks. work all day, physical therapy twice a week in the evenings, running around here and there, shopping for a new car, friends having wedding showers and shopping for presents and phone calls with this person and that person and scheduling meetings and appointments. i feel like i've barely spent a few hours alone with my own child in days. even the weekends have had me pulled in all directions and i seem to never leave my car...
so though being sick sucks, i'm grateful for the down time. if that's what it takes to force me to stay home and spend quality time with myself and my daughter, so be it.
i just hope the immunities she gets from my milk will be enough to keep her healthy and not get sick from me.
it's no one's fault but my own that i got sick. all this busyness has caused me to lapse on taking care of myself. i've been going to bed after 1am and waking up at 6am. i've been so tired that i've barely been able to keep my eyes open at work, i've been oversleeping every morning because i can't get out of bed.
i've been skipping meals because i'm too busy to eat. i haven't been taking my prenatal vitamins (i still take those since i'm breastfeeding) because i need to take them with meals (preferably dinner) or they make me nauseous and/or vomit. and since i've barely been eating full meals, i haven't been taking the vitamins.
my immune system probably divorced me from all the neglect. so now i'm fighting this yucky cold as a result.
but as i type this post and watch my little muffin kick around on the bed beside me, cooing and babbling and clutching her Glowworm that i have to squeeze every few minutes to get it to play a song and make its face glow, i feel grateful for this day i get to spend with her.
i'd gladly take on a nasty bug just so that i can hear her little giggles all day long.
and at least now i have some free time to finish my taxes too.
i'm knocking on 30's door. this summer, in 6 months, i'll be 29. the last year of my 20's. my 20's swansong. the 20's fat lady is singing. my 20's last hurrah.
am i really ready to be.....thirty?
i FEEL grown up. i just met with an attorney yesterday about my car accident because my insurance company is giving me the runaround. meeting with an attorney is a very 30's kinda thing. i walked in that office with all my paperwork, contacts, files and copies in my little accordion folder. and he complimented me on how well-prepared i was, how excellent my records were and how organized i was. he said it was among the best recordkeeping he'd ever seen. see...? being an overly obsessive perfectionist pays off in the long run.
i'm now one of those women in the mall pushing a baby stroller. that's a very 30-something kinda thing. i'm also now one of those women who doesn't want to go out or do anything that's not involving my child. you know, one of those....
i used to always wonder about women who had children and their whole lives centered around their kids. they stopped going out and spending time with adults. they were ALWAYS with their kids. and i thought, "my goodness, that must get boring."
but now i understand fully. now i understand that kind of love and devotion to one's children. (though i do also understand that a mother NEEDS to get out and be around adults more and have a life outside of her children. it's healthy and perfectly ok. i'm working on getting there :-)
and truthfully, it DOES get boring sometimes. but even when i'm bored at home, i'm so overjoyed to be with my little girl. i don't want to leave her ever. especially now that i'm working again and i'm away from her all day. in the evenings and on weekends, that's my time to spend with her and at this point i don't want to be out hanging with friends much. i'd much rather be cuddling my little palomita.
...and cleaning and doing laundry. i get nothing done during the week anymore.
i'm sooo almost 30.
i feel a little sad to be preparing to say goodbye to my 20s. this decade has been so full of LIFE, both great times and tragic times. this decade has been my growing time. this decade was full of more formative years than my real formative years of childhood. most of what influences who i am today took place in my 20s. most of my life experiences that bring me both tears and cheers occurred during this decade.
now i'm preparing to enter a whole new chapter of my life. the start of a new era. the thirties era. what a scary unknown.
it's amazing how quickly life changes. ever since i had my daughter, i use her conception date, my pregnancy and her birth as a reference point for EVERYTHING. for example, i'll find an old Target receipt in my purse from December 29, 2008 and i'll think, "wow...that day i was shopping in Target oblivious to the fact that in a couple of weeks, my whole life would change forever and i'd be pregnant."
or i'll find a ticket stub dated May 5, 2009 and think, "aww, i was just really beginning to show around then..."
or i'll re-read an email i got on October 1, 2009 and think, "awww, my baby girl was born just 12 days after i read that email!"
i say all that to say that life changes drastically quickly. by my 3oth birthday, Lord willing i see it, my life could look totally different than it does today. my 30th birthday will roll around and i'll be remembering typing this blog and it'll feel like just yesterday. i feels like just yesterday i was worrying about how i'd ever get ready for the baby's arrival, how i was going to get my place ready, finish everything at work, make all the arrangements, what about this, what about that...and now my baby girl is 4 months old.
i'm looking forward to what my 30's may bring. and though i'm looking back on my 20's with some nostalgia piercing at my heart, i'm actually quite happy to see these years go. i grew up so much in my 20's that i'm anxious and excited to see who and what i can become in my 30's.
may be i'll know God more deeply and more intimately than i've ever known Him before. maybe i'll be living somewhere else. maybe i'll have a husband and more children. maybe i'll be driving a minivan. maybe i'll be ministering to someone in some way. maybe, maybe, maybe.
and just think, my 4-month old daughter will be almost 7 years old when i reach my 35th birthday!!
wow...that's a scary thought :-) i can't even imagine what she'll be like as a second grader.
tomorrow, the DC area is supposed to get at least a foot of snow, with some areas getting almost 2 feet. this is about the 5th time it has snowed this winter. it JUST snowed several inches tuesday night.
though i'm not a big fan of snow because of the inconvenience of it all (it's wet and messy, i hate digging my car out and having to clean it off, it's slippery and scary and hard to drive and walk in), it is a lot of fun to be snowed in.
the last really big snowstorm we had in december when it snowed over 12 inches, i had a blast being holed up in my apartment for several days. i got a lot of things done that i had been putting off for months. but since i had nowhere to go and couldn't get out if i wanted to, i used that time to finish unfinished projects. plus it was fun to watch the heavy snow pile up so beautifully outside my window.
so i'm looking forward to being snowed in again this weekend. it's supposed to start tomorrow morning sometime which i hope means that i get to leave work early. and i also hope that the ministry meeting i have at church tomorrow night will get canceled (sorry, but i'm just not in the mood and really don't feel like going). i can't wait to get home, open the curtains and blinds tomorrow afternoon/evening and watch the snow fall. i can't wait to catch up on the piles of laundry i need to wash, cozy up in some fresh pjs, bake some cookies, sip some tea and curl up with my favorite baby girl and a good movie.
it will be blissful :-)
speaking of winter weather, i mentioned in a previous post that i'm going through my own winter season right now. i'm experiencing a season of loss - which we all do from time to time. in everyone's lives, there's a time of plenty and a time of lack; a time to reap and a time to sow; a time to gain and a time to lose. this is my winter in a lot of areas but namely financially and relationally.
finances have been in hardship ever since my maternity leave. then on top of that, i was in a car accident that destroyed my car that i wasn't even finished paying for yet (though i was on the last leg of that race). so now i'm forced to expense a rental car if the other insurance company doesn't reimburse me, and i'm forced to buy a new car. as i was almost finished paying for my old car, i'm really bummed out to now have to start over with a new car note. i was really looking forward to not having to pay for a car anymore and have that extra almost $300/month to save. plus now, my paychecks are taking a hit because i have to pay back the medical insurance coverage i received while out on maternity leave. since during leave i wasn't getting paid, no deductions were being made from payroll for my medical benefits. but i was still being given the option of having medical coverage during that time. so after i returned to work and was put back on regular payroll, i now have to reimburse the company for the medical benefits they provided while i was on leave. so right now i'm paying for my current medical coverage, plus what i owe from the coverage i received on leave. AND the rates of my insurance increased considerably due to a general rate increase for the provider, PLUS now i'm covering my daughter which is even more expensive.
all this and my salary is still the same....
on top of all that headache, i'm dealing with the emotional turmoil of a failed pseudorelationship that was or wasn't in the first place, and trying to figure out how to coexist and raise a child with someone that i can't stand to look at much these days.
however, i began to think about how even during this winter season of mine, where the well has run dry, where i'm experiencing plenty of lack and am lacking plenty, and where i have lost so much, God still is providing.
though my finances have been attacked, God has provided in SO MANY ways to meet my needs. in a week's time, a good friend of mine and my father both blessed me with gift cards to my favorite natural food store, just because. it wasn't Christmas, it wasn't my birthday, they both just said "Here!"
that saved me so much money, since groceries can be so expensive. i was also given Christmas gift cards to places like Target to get anything i needed for home, myself or the baby, which helped me out a lot. plus, since my car was totaled, i didn't have to pay a car payment in january which saved me all that money. these are just a few ways that God has blessed me - there are so many other instances where He has blessed me through other people. He has taken care of me and carried me through these difficult months. so though it's been rough, every bill gets paid, i can still afford my rent, my baby is still well-cared for. and i'm blessed to have the privilege of breastfeeding because it really saves me a lot of money. ONE CAN of baby formula is over $20 in most stores!! if i couldn't breastfeed for whatever reason, my baby's meals would be awfully expensive. so i thank God that my body functions very well and is continually supplying my daughter with nutritious milk every single day.
and though my personal/relationship life is in upheaval, the Lord has sustained me. i really do feel His peace right now and the peace of surrender. there's something so freeing in totally surrendering. i don't know what is to come, i'm hurt and confused, but i know that NOTHING happens that God doesn't allow. and i'm using this time to draw closer to Him. i know that no matter the outcome, He will take me where He wants me. He will bring resolutions, clarity and peace. when others leave me and make me feel unworthy, unspecial, unbeautiful and unloved, God shows me His love and reminds me that He thinks of me and has plans for me, He's near me, He finds me beautiful and special. He will move on my behalf and do what is HIS best for me, even if it's not what i would have chosen for myself. His peace is sustaining me. His strength causes me to walk upright every day. His joy is the lifter of my head.
i liken all of this to the winter time in our land. even though it's cold, the leaves have fallen off the trees, the ground is frozen and covered in snow, God still provides food and warmth for the creatures of the earth. even during the season where everything is cold and dying, dormant and not blossoming, God provides for His little creatures. He has created nature in such a way that even during the winter months, things still live on. they still thrive.
and even during the winter seasons of my life, God still provides. it's cold and some of my ground has been frozen; some things in my life lie dormant and are not blossoming. but nevertheless, my God still makes me to thrive.
He is my shepherd, and I shall not want. He still makes me to lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul.
He is my warmth and comfort in the rain and in the snow. and when my well runs dry, He brings me Living Water.
if you could do anything you want, with unlimited resources at your fingertips, what would you do? where would you go?
what have you dreamed of doing all your life? any dreams that seem so big that you doubt they'll ever get off the ground?
my biggest dream was always to live abroad, probably South or Central America. as a spanish major in college, i have always dreamed of immersing myself in the spanish language, in latin culture. even if just for a year or two, i'd still love to live in Peru or Costa Rica. Argentina or Chile.
i'd love to teach English to grade school kids in a spanish-speaking country. even now that i have a daughter, i dream even more of exposing her to such rich experiences. i picture her going to school in the very school in which i teach in Panama or Puerto Rico. i fantasize about her beginning kindergarten in South America, learning to read in spanish, counting in spanish. i dream about walking down the hall to her classroom after school, picking her up and her telling me all about her day as we walk down a quaint little road to our quaint little latin american home where we'll be greeted buy a yippy little pup who barks in spanish. (kidding)
i admit though that i don't see that dream ever leaving my thoughts, especially now that i have a child. before she was born, i always wondered if i had the resources and courage to pack up and leave the country. it never happened. or rather, i never made it happen i guess.
now i doubt it ever will because my daughter deserves to be near her father. every child deserves to have a mother and father available to them at all times, and i wouldn't be able to live with myself worrying about what living thousands of miles from her father would do to her. she could have all the richest world experiences i could give her living in a foreign country, but none of that would equal the blessing of having a Daddy nearby. a little girl needs a Daddy. i couldn't take that away from her. and i guess he'd be pretty hurt too if i took her so far away. (*hmph* with turned up lips and narrowed eyes)
so as the famous poem asks, what DOES happen to a dream deferred?
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
He really can move mountains. and so can i, if i have faith the size of a mustard seed. He is mighty, and with my faith in Him, anything is possible.
"take me as You find me....all my fears and failures. and fill my life again."
it started with me waking up with memories of horrible dreams. not scary, nightmarish kinds of dreams, but dreams of specific people and situations that i'd rather never think of again. so there were crabs in my eyes (figuratively, not literally of course) when i first woke up this morning.
to add fuel to the festering fire, my precious precious little baby, who was sleeping beside me, woke me up a good hour before my alarm was set to sound. you know that feeling right? when you are awakened in the critical "last hour" of sleep before you have to start your day? RAAH. i was not happy. but i couldn't be mad at her...her little tummy was hungry. i guess if my stomach was the size of a golf ball, i'd get hungry pretty often too.
by the time i nursed her and drifted back off to sleep, my alarm was going off. i snoozed it for 20 minutes before finally getting up.
then i was late of course...
and being late made me even crabbier. so i stomp into the living room to find that one of my mischievous cats had opened every door she could find: the linen closet door, the DVD cabinet door, one of the kitchen cabinet doors. she has this obsessive-compulsive need to do this almost every day, and i can't figure out what the heck she's looking for. this morning, discovering all these doors opened annoyed me way more than usual, so i stomped around slamming each one closed with a vengeance as my cats stared at me with wide green eyes as if to say, "What the heck is wrong with you, lady? meow..."
to make matters worse, i realized when i went into the kitchen to get the baby's bottles for the day to put in her diaper bag, that i had NO clean storage bottles with which to pump at work. they were all dirty, in the dishwasher, which i forgot to run last night. so i had to hand wash several bottles to take to work with me.
that helped my lateness for sure...
after finally getting showered, dressed, changing and dressing the baby, nursing her again and getting her strapped in her car seat, i realized i needed to stop by the rental office to pay my rent.
SIGH.
then i hightail it across town to my grandma's to drop my daughter off and head to the metro. the remnants of the snow storm we had over the weekend littered the parking lot, and i nervously made my way through dirty snow, slush and ice to get to the escalator (which felt like a good half-mile away from my car seeing as how one of the few spaces left was way in the back). when i finally reached the front of the station, i reached into my pocket only to discover that i had forgotten my SmartTrip card (for those of you not from the DC area, it's the plastic card you can re-add funds to and use for train trips and parking fees).
UGH. it was still in the car....
"BUT I COULD HAVE SWORN I PUT IT IN MY POCKET!" I screamed in my head. then i remembered that i opened the console where it was located to get it and put it in my pocket, but got distracted with something else and never followed through.
sigh...so i trekked back to through the slush to the Netherlands where my car was parked to get that one little blue and white card that runs my whole life.
i finally eventually make it onto the platform and wait the 5 minutes (which felt like a freezing eternity) for the next train to arrive. once i settled onto the train, i got comfortable and closed my eyes for some prayer time and a nap.
"sigh...Lord? i thank You for......SNORE"
the next thing i know i wake up and we're in the tunnels. i wondered which stop was next. when we pulled into the next station, i was surprised to find that i had slept through most of my journey. only 2 more stops and we'd be at mine. so i closed my eyes to finish the prayer that never really left my heart.
somehow i fell into a deep enough sleep to dream a little mini dream and wake up to find the train doors closing on the platform...of the station...where i get off.
i missed my stop.
i was so tired and over life at that point that i didn't even bat an eyelash. i closed my eyes again and waited for the next station, quietly got off the train and walked to the other side to wait for the next train going back in the opposite direction. i didn't have far to ride, as it was only one stop away. but when i got off the train, i was so disoriented as i walked up the escalator that i didn't notice which exit i was taking. there are two exits you can use, and each puts you on a different street. one exit puts me literally right at the side of my office building. the other exit is 2 blocks away.
guess which one i took?
SIIIGH. i realized it as soon as i had paid the fare out of the gate. so i couldn't go back to the correct exit without having to pay again. which meant that i'd have to walk two long blocks in the cold to my building.
there's probably more to tell but i'm tired and don't even care about this post anymore.
these first 3 months have been a whirlwind of experiences and emotions. i love being a Mommy. everyday when i wake up and stare right into my daughter's beautiful face (which is usually sleeping right beside me because most nights she refuses to sleep in her own bed), my whole body smiles with delight. she's amazing, she's awesome, she's a miracle, she's hilarious (yes, this little girl has personality and humor already!), she's...mine.
i love her more and more each day. i started back to work on january 6 after 12 weeks maternity leave. going back to work was super hard. my heart ached to leave my little girl and be separated from her all day. but i'm grateful that she is in the caring hands of my grandma, and the baby is doing well spending her days with her great-grandma. i can tell my grandma loves keeping her during the day. it gives her something to look forward to every day and helps her to feel needed and appreciated. i'm blessed to have a trusted family member be able to keep my little one for me while i work. i don't know how i'd make it through the days if she were with a stranger.
and my grandma doesn't charge me! :-) "free" is always a blessing, amen?
but still, i rush out the office door every day and race home to see my little girl's face. i'm relieved that it seems she hasn't forgotten me. i was genuinely worried that by spending almost 12 hours a day with my grandma, that she'd forget that i was her mama. but she seems delighted to see me every day.
motherhood has been a wonderful challenge. in the beginning, when the baby was a month old, i thought i'd never sleep again. that little girl is a night owl! she wouldn't sleep to save anyone's lives. i should have expected that since she was a night owl in utero as well. there were some days when i was an emotional wreck from lack of sleep and frustration.
but thanks be to God, as time progressed, her sleeping habits have leveled out somewhat. for the most part she sleeps through the night now, waking only to be nursed once or twice but goes right back to sleep afterwards. the challenge now has been to get her to sleep alone. she loves to snuggle up with her mama. can you blame her? i'm a great snuggler :-) but in all seriousness, while i love sleeping close to my baby, i would much rather not still be doing so when she's 9 years old. and i'm concerned that if i don't break the habit now, she'll never be comfortable sleeping alone. so i've been trying to transition her to her bed and it has been working off and on. i refuse to let her "cry it out" as some people recommend. that is traumatic not only to the baby but to the mama as well. but the trick that has been working best is nursing her, rocking her, singing to her until she's good and sleepy (eyes closing, laying still in my arms), and then i lay her down while she's still awake but very drowsy. i play her soothing sounds on the pack-and-play she sleeps in, and she has been doing a great job of laying there by herself until she drifts off.
a few times she has awakened crying shortly afterwards and i have to start the process over again but for the most part, she's learning that she's perfectly safe and sound sleeping in her own bed. it also makes me feel more at ease because i'm a nervous wreck when she sleeps with me! i'm scared i'll roll over on her or that the blanket or pillow will suffocate her. so i get little sleep when she's next to me.
are you wondering what the title means? what does "eating salad with a spoon" have to do with anything?
glad you asked. i was literally just eating my lunch, a salad, with a spoon. i had been eating some vegan "chicken" nuggets with a fork and meant to save the fork to use for my salad, but out of habit threw the fork away when i tossed the plate. but i had a spoon on my desk that i was meant to use for my yogurt. so, not feeling like walking back to the kitchen to get another fork, i just decided to eat my salad with the spoon.
and as i did so, i was reminded of all the hardships and challenges i've been facing in motherhood, in life. and my life lately has been like eating salad with a spoon. eating salad with a spoon is not conventional. it's a challenge because the spoon doesn't grab at the lettuce like a fork would. so it takes more effort, more work, more patience. and it takes longer to get to the end result. whereas i could have finished my salad in minutes with the ease of a fork, it took me considerably longer to finish it with a spoon.
my life as a single, working mom has been months of eating salad with a spoon. making do with what i have. unconventional. challenging. more effort, more work, more patience. taking longer to get to the end result (i'm still not there yet). whereas so many other people are cruising through their life's salad with a fork, i'm struggling with my spoon.
i wake up super early to nurse the baby, wash her face, change her diaper, dress her. then i have to shower, dress, feed the cats, strap the baby into her car seat, grab her diaper bag and my breastpump and dash out the door. i drive 25 minutes (30+ with traffic) to my grandma's house to drop the baby off, kiss them goodbye, call out instructions on what time to feed her (it varies depending on what time i last nursed her before i leave home) as i run out the door and drive to the metro station. park the car, run to the platform to catch a train and try to catch a 30 minute nap (if i get a seat) on the commute to my office, trying to get to work by 9am.
every 2-3 hours at work, i have to go to an empty office to pump milk for my baby. in between pumpings, i cram in as much productivity as i can before i dash out the door at 5p, hop on the train for the 30 minute ride back to my car, and drive to my grandma's to pick up the baby. i drive home and arrive by 7p (later if i need to buy groceries, or anything), nurse the baby if she's hungry, make a quick meal or heat some leftovers and eat dinner, feed the cats, clean litter boxes, pack the baby's bag for the next day, pump some more milk if i need more bottles for her for the next day, and bathe the baby if it's her bath night. then i spend time with my daughter talking to her, tickling her, playing with her, until it's time to try to calm her down into sleep mode (if she hasn't fallen asleep on her own). i sing to her, rock her and walk with her until she falls asleep (which can sometimes take well over an hour), then put her in her bed and pray she doesn't wake up 10 minutes later.
then i do any cleaning that needs to be done (dishes, messy floors from the cats, hang up/fold clothes) and try to get into bed before midnight.
then i get up and do it all over again.
it's hectic, but i'm making it. God has given me strength beyond measure.
though i love motherhood, these have been some emotional 3 months. finances during my maternity leave were very very strained to say the least. my job only pays 66% of my salary for the first 6 weeks of leave, and for the last 6 weeks, no pay at all. so i pretty much emptied my savings account and relied on help from my family during that time just to pay rent and bills. money was tight, but i made it through! praise God for His provisions. i'm still living off of baby shower gifts so i haven't had to spend any money on diapers or clothes for the baby! and i'm breastfeeding exclusively so no money goes to formula. God is good indeed. and He blessed me with a loving, caring family who, without my even having to ask, pitched in to help me financially where i needed it.
having all my cash pretty much depleted during those weeks of lower income and then NO income set me back a lot, so i'm still trying to "catch up" and replenish a financial cushion.
to add fire to the fire, i was in a car accident (someone rear-ended me) and destroyed my car. so dealing with the insurance companies has been a headache and a half. i was slightly injured (neck and back injury) but nothing too serious. i had to take some days off work but i'm ok. when i think of the possibilities, i can't help but praise God. that day could have been the end of my life. praise God that i walked away with only a sore neck and back. and praise God that on that day, my Mom was off work and came to my place to stay with the baby so i wouldn't have to take her to my grandma's. so my little one was safe at home with my Mom. on any other day she would have been in the car with me. but that day, i was alone going straight to work. praise God for working it out just so.
i'm still dealing with the aftermath, healing the soreness, driving a rental, and trying to figure out when and how to buy a new car, trying to get whatever i'm owed from the insurance companies and trying to get screwed as little as possible in the process. it's a headache, but i'm making it through.
and lastly, my daughter's father and i have called it quits. it's too much to explain on here, but the bottom line is we are no longer anything even resembling a couple - we are now simply two people who share a child. my heart is broken and i've been crying for days. but i'm taking this time to run to the Lord. though it's hard to see over these clouds, i'm confident in Him who has brought me through some difficult months - heck, a difficult year. He has met all of my needs and more, and i know He's here with me as a mourn the loss of what i thought this relationship was going to turn out to be. i admit that i'm fearful - fearful of what's to come, how i'll handle difficult situations with him in the long run, and how this will affect our daughter.
when things with us took a turn and we grew closer and closer together, i dreamed of the day we'd be a united family. i want that for my daughter - she deserves that. and i wanted that for myself. but now that dream has died, and i grieve for my baby. i feel like i've cheated her out of the family unit she should have. my heart aches but i know without doubt that my God is an awesome God and greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. i have no idea what to do or where to go from here, so i'm just humbly holding onto God's hand, hopeful that one day soon, my heart can smile again.
i'm eating salad with a spoon. i'm doing it the hard way. and i'm doing a lot of it on my own. but just as i eventually finished that salad with that spoon, i know that no matter how many disadvantages or hurdles i have to jump over, and no matter how much hurt i have to press through, i will get to the end result. my God didn't bring me this far to leave me here.
i don't know what my life is going to look like 5 years from now. i don't even know what tomorrow will bring. i can't fall apart - my baby needs me too much. and she needs me to be the best "me" i can be.
each day that i open my eyes on this side of the grave, i know that anything's possible. so even through my tears, i'll keep dreaming, i'll keep singing, and i'll keep kissing my baby's soft, round cheeks as she giggles with delight. as long as she's laughing, i know that all the day's work was well worth it.
i missed you all! this is literally the first time i have touched a computer in the last 2.5 weeks. i have almost 200 emails to sift through and oh so much blogging to catch up on! it has been a crazy couple of weeks, busy day in and day out.
and though it has all been challenging, i am so blessed and grateful for the beautiful, squirmy little lady sleeping peacefully (and snoring a tiny bit LOL) right here beside me as i type.
no seriously, i know you probably think your mom is fabulous, and she probably is. but mine is better. she's so wonderful that i feel guilty at how wonderful she is because i don't deserve a mother so wonderful.
i had been stressing myself insane working 12-13 hr. days at my job trying to get things finalized for my maternity leave, plus running myself ragged at home organizing, cleaning, scrubbing, straightening, getting ready for baby's arrival. and i STILL had so much to do and it never looked like i was any closer to the goal.
i'd be in tears upset and praying that i don't go into labor before i get everything done. and this weekend, my mom came by and completely turned my apartment around. she did so much that it's unbelievable! she figured out ways to put things in places and make it as neat and functional as possible given the limited space - i could not have done it without her. she's amazing and she was such an answer to my prayers to God for help in any way to get through this.
she even took me grocery shopping and stocked me up so i won't have to do any shopping or much cooking in the next few weeks while i'm getting adjusted with the baby.
i'm so thankful for my mother's hard work, stellar organizational skills, and loving heart for her daughter that causes her to go out of her way to do things for me. i'm so blessed to have her in my life.
i hope i'll be that great a mommy to my own little girl....
a baby is considered full-term at 37 weeks. though many pregnancies go to the full 40 weeks, it is not uncommon for a baby to decide he or she is ready right after 37 weeks.
in other words, only God knows when this baby will come. theoretically, she could make her debut any day now. even if she were to be born right around now at 34 weeks, she would have a very high survival probability. all systems are formed - God is just maturing them, growing them, and molding them a little more.
so in preparation of her impending birth, i am hanging up the blog. i'm hanging up a lot of "outside" things. not only do i have so many physical preparations to do (preparing my home, continued doctor appointments, projects, wrapping up tasks at work in prep for my departure - and little baby girl still does not have a name yet), i have to prepare my body for the marathon of labor and delivery, prepare my mind for the feelings, sights and sounds that labor and delivery will bring me, prepare my mind and heart to receive this new life into my own, and prepare my soul to draw even closer to God at this most desperate time in my life.
i have never before needed help like i need it now. and i am petrified.
the last 8 months of pregnancy have not been without quite a bit of hardship, sorrow, tears, and anxiety. i have a bit over a month left and i'm trying to make the most of it. there have been so many distractions separating me from the God that i claim to love and serve. and i need to draw near to Him. i need Him to draw near to me. i know what depression looks like now because i'm in it. i'm living it - though some days it's hard to believe i'm still alive. but i'm ready to give it away and let God once again make me anew. my life depends on it.
the life of my little girl depends on it. and i will not let the aches in my heart keep me from God nor keep me from being the greatest mommy this side of the Mississippi. i am ready to breathe in change, breathe in all things good and allow them to penetrate deep into my womb, to the most precious little life in the world to me - the little angel nestled warmly in my belly.
so i'm hanging up the blog. i'm hanging up the distractions. i'm hanging up the depression. i'm hanging up the defeat. i'm hanging up my sins. i'm hanging up me.
and i'm picking up my cross. i'm reaching out for my joy and peace that i've allowed the enemy to devour for far too long. and i'm marching boldly towards the God that i try to run from. i'm marching towards my destiny. i'm marching towards love: the love for God that i have a hard time showing lately but i know is in me; the love from God that i can't always feel but i know is always there; the love for and from those who have opened their arms to me in spite of myself and who have not written me off; and the love of my precious daughter.
i conceived her in sin. i have begun her life with limitations and sorrows that she should never know. but i refuse to bear her into this world with these same tears in my heart that i've carried for the last 8 months. i refuse to poison my body any longer with all this anxiety, stress, and grief. i refuse to hurt her any more than i already have, just by the way that i chose to bring her here.
my baby deserves my best, and i will give her my best. but most of all, my God deserves my best. though my best will never be good enough for a God as awesome as He, i would sooner die than to continue giving Him the scraps i've been giving.
so i'm concentrating on getting my God back; getting my body back; getting my mind back; getting my peace back; getting my joy back. whatever it takes.
farewell for awhile, and if you can find the compassion in your hearts, say a little prayer for me, baby and her daddy. the three of us are fighting our way through this storm, desperately needing the light of God to lead the way.
and if we don't perish, we WILL come out of this with victory, having been made new, having a new story to tell, and prayerfully having a blessing to give to someone else - someone like me who finds herself constantly failing, sabotaging her own progress, and reaping the life-long consequences of a bad choice that cost her dearly. i know she's out there and i'm already praying for the Lord to lead her to me and me to her.
i'm broken, but even the broken can help heal the broken.
my tears, my shortcomings, my pain, my sins and my story are working together to give me a voice. and i pray that the one who needs to hear my voice will hear. i want to be for someone else the voice that i myself have longed to hear, but have never found. i want to be the loving heart for someone else who like myself has looked at how she has all but destroyed her life and feels pressed on all sides, feels like giving up, feels like there's no way out, but who needs to know that the light and love of our merciful God CAN shine through her darkness - but only if she lets it. i want to be the Word from God that tells her that He forgives our sins as often as we need Him to, His mercy endures forever, and that nothing is impossible with God. and i want to be the smile that lets her know that though her life may look ugly at times, she is beautiful to her Creator, she is precious in His sight, and He is waiting to take her back no matter how far away she has strayed. i want to be for someone else all these things that i have a hard time believing most days for my own life.
my arms are open.
and my baby is coming soon. i'm not quite ready for her but i'm trying to get there.
one breath at a time.
with thoughts of love and good things for you, dragonflysoul
i was reading an article about what things may or may not kill romance in a marriage, and found it so intriguing. the author was posing the question to her readers about 'how comfortable is TOO comfortable' when you're around your spouse.
she was arguing that if you allow your husband to see all the ins and outs of your humanness, that it could kill the mystery, romance and i guess ultimately make him less intrigued by your womanhood in the long run.
allow me to be raw for a moment.
so in other words, she was saying that women should never shave armpits or legs in front of their hubbies, should never burp or have any other gaseous displays in front of their husbands, and should never go to the bathroom with the door open at home when he's around.
she said these are things her husband has no qualms about doing in front of her (probably minus the leg/pit shaving) but that she refuses to be that comfortable with him.
that got me to thinking...is that being uptight? or does she have a point?
on the one hand, i can see where she's coming from. even if we've been married for 20 years, i want my husband to see me as exciting, intriguing, sexy and feminine, and wonder how in the world i keep it all together so fabulously after all these years. i'm thinking having him walk in on me shaving my armpits or bikini line, or passing gas in front of him may take away one of those elements or two.
or the other hand, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. the one who knows you the most intimately. the one who sees you at your best and at your worst and loves you anyway. and let's face it - the human body, while a beautiful creation of God, is also kinda gross. we have hairyness that we like to get rid of, our bodies make all kinds of sounds and aromas. that's the way it is. do i really want to tiptoe around all those things and be afraid that my husband won't find me attractive anymore if he sees me being that human?
he's the one person i want to be able to be totally myself around. i may put on a front for the rest of the world, but i want my husband to really SEE me, even the gross parts of me. not because i desire to make a spectacle of myself but because i desire to never have to feel on edge or self-conscious about anything with my hubby.
i am who i am, and who i am ain't always glamorous. and ideally i'd love for my husband to still feel just as in love, just as romantic, just as into me as he was when we first met, but all the while seeing and knowing that i'm not this Fem-bot who is perfectly feminine and pretty-fied all the time.
if i can't let it all hang out around my partner for life, well then with whom?
