eating salad with a spoon

on february 13, my daughter will be 4 months old.

time jets, doesn't it?

these first 3 months have been a whirlwind of experiences and emotions. i love being a Mommy. everyday when i wake up and stare right into my daughter's beautiful face (which is usually sleeping right beside me because most nights she refuses to sleep in her own bed), my whole body smiles with delight. she's amazing, she's awesome, she's a miracle, she's hilarious (yes, this little girl has personality and humor already!), she's...mine.

i love her more and more each day. i started back to work on january 6 after 12 weeks maternity leave. going back to work was super hard. my heart ached to leave my little girl and be separated from her all day. but i'm grateful that she is in the caring hands of my grandma, and the baby is doing well spending her days with her great-grandma. i can tell my grandma loves keeping her during the day. it gives her something to look forward to every day and helps her to feel needed and appreciated. i'm blessed to have a trusted family member be able to keep my little one for me while i work. i don't know how i'd make it through the days if she were with a stranger.

and my grandma doesn't charge me! :-) "free" is always a blessing, amen?

but still, i rush out the office door every day and race home to see my little girl's face. i'm relieved that it seems she hasn't forgotten me. i was genuinely worried that by spending almost 12 hours a day with my grandma, that she'd forget that i was her mama. but she seems delighted to see me every day.

motherhood has been a wonderful challenge. in the beginning, when the baby was a month old, i thought i'd never sleep again. that little girl is a night owl! she wouldn't sleep to save anyone's lives. i should have expected that since she was a night owl in utero as well. there were some days when i was an emotional wreck from lack of sleep and frustration.

but thanks be to God, as time progressed, her sleeping habits have leveled out somewhat. for the most part she sleeps through the night now, waking only to be nursed once or twice but goes right back to sleep afterwards. the challenge now has been to get her to sleep alone. she loves to snuggle up with her mama. can you blame her? i'm a great snuggler :-) but in all seriousness, while i love sleeping close to my baby, i would much rather not still be doing so when she's 9 years old. and i'm concerned that if i don't break the habit now, she'll never be comfortable sleeping alone. so i've been trying to transition her to her bed and it has been working off and on. i refuse to let her "cry it out" as some people recommend. that is traumatic not only to the baby but to the mama as well. but the trick that has been working best is nursing her, rocking her, singing to her until she's good and sleepy (eyes closing, laying still in my arms), and then i lay her down while she's still awake but very drowsy. i play her soothing sounds on the pack-and-play she sleeps in, and she has been doing a great job of laying there by herself until she drifts off.

a few times she has awakened crying shortly afterwards and i have to start the process over again but for the most part, she's learning that she's perfectly safe and sound sleeping in her own bed. it also makes me feel more at ease because i'm a nervous wreck when she sleeps with me! i'm scared i'll roll over on her or that the blanket or pillow will suffocate her. so i get little sleep when she's next to me.

are you wondering what the title means? what does "eating salad with a spoon" have to do with anything?

glad you asked. i was literally just eating my lunch, a salad, with a spoon. i had been eating some vegan "chicken" nuggets with a fork and meant to save the fork to use for my salad, but out of habit threw the fork away when i tossed the plate. but i had a spoon on my desk that i was meant to use for my yogurt. so, not feeling like walking back to the kitchen to get another fork, i just decided to eat my salad with the spoon.

and as i did so, i was reminded of all the hardships and challenges i've been facing in motherhood, in life. and my life lately has been like eating salad with a spoon. eating salad with a spoon is not conventional. it's a challenge because the spoon doesn't grab at the lettuce like a fork would. so it takes more effort, more work, more patience. and it takes longer to get to the end result. whereas i could have finished my salad in minutes with the ease of a fork, it took me considerably longer to finish it with a spoon.

my life as a single, working mom has been months of eating salad with a spoon. making do with what i have. unconventional. challenging. more effort, more work, more patience. taking longer to get to the end result (i'm still not there yet). whereas so many other people are cruising through their life's salad with a fork, i'm struggling with my spoon.

i wake up super early to nurse the baby, wash her face, change her diaper, dress her. then i have to shower, dress, feed the cats, strap the baby into her car seat, grab her diaper bag and my breastpump and dash out the door. i drive 25 minutes (30+ with traffic) to my grandma's house to drop the baby off, kiss them goodbye, call out instructions on what time to feed her (it varies depending on what time i last nursed her before i leave home) as i run out the door and drive to the metro station. park the car, run to the platform to catch a train and try to catch a 30 minute nap (if i get a seat) on the commute to my office, trying to get to work by 9am.

every 2-3 hours at work, i have to go to an empty office to pump milk for my baby. in between pumpings, i cram in as much productivity as i can before i dash out the door at 5p, hop on the train for the 30 minute ride back to my car, and drive to my grandma's to pick up the baby. i drive home and arrive by 7p (later if i need to buy groceries, or anything), nurse the baby if she's hungry, make a quick meal or heat some leftovers and eat dinner, feed the cats, clean litter boxes, pack the baby's bag for the next day, pump some more milk if i need more bottles for her for the next day, and bathe the baby if it's her bath night. then i spend time with my daughter talking to her, tickling her, playing with her, until it's time to try to calm her down into sleep mode (if she hasn't fallen asleep on her own). i sing to her, rock her and walk with her until she falls asleep (which can sometimes take well over an hour), then put her in her bed and pray she doesn't wake up 10 minutes later.

then i do any cleaning that needs to be done (dishes, messy floors from the cats, hang up/fold clothes) and try to get into bed before midnight.

then i get up and do it all over again.

it's hectic, but i'm making it. God has given me strength beyond measure.

though i love motherhood, these have been some emotional 3 months. finances during my maternity leave were very very strained to say the least. my job only pays 66% of my salary for the first 6 weeks of leave, and for the last 6 weeks, no pay at all. so i pretty much emptied my savings account and relied on help from my family during that time just to pay rent and bills. money was tight, but i made it through! praise God for His provisions. i'm still living off of baby shower gifts so i haven't had to spend any money on diapers or clothes for the baby! and i'm breastfeeding exclusively so no money goes to formula. God is good indeed. and He blessed me with a loving, caring family who, without my even having to ask, pitched in to help me financially where i needed it.

having all my cash pretty much depleted during those weeks of lower income and then NO income set me back a lot, so i'm still trying to "catch up" and replenish a financial cushion.

to add fire to the fire, i was in a car accident (someone rear-ended me) and destroyed my car. so dealing with the insurance companies has been a headache and a half. i was slightly injured (neck and back injury) but nothing too serious. i had to take some days off work but i'm ok. when i think of the possibilities, i can't help but praise God. that day could have been the end of my life. praise God that i walked away with only a sore neck and back. and praise God that on that day, my Mom was off work and came to my place to stay with the baby so i wouldn't have to take her to my grandma's. so my little one was safe at home with my Mom. on any other day she would have been in the car with me. but that day, i was alone going straight to work. praise God for working it out just so.

i'm still dealing with the aftermath, healing the soreness, driving a rental, and trying to figure out when and how to buy a new car, trying to get whatever i'm owed from the insurance companies and trying to get screwed as little as possible in the process. it's a headache, but i'm making it through.

and lastly, my daughter's father and i have called it quits. it's too much to explain on here, but the bottom line is we are no longer anything even resembling a couple - we are now simply two people who share a child. my heart is broken and i've been crying for days. but i'm taking this time to run to the Lord. though it's hard to see over these clouds, i'm confident in Him who has brought me through some difficult months - heck, a difficult year. He has met all of my needs and more, and i know He's here with me as a mourn the loss of what i thought this relationship was going to turn out to be. i admit that i'm fearful - fearful of what's to come, how i'll handle difficult situations with him in the long run, and how this will affect our daughter.

when things with us took a turn and we grew closer and closer together, i dreamed of the day we'd be a united family. i want that for my daughter - she deserves that. and i wanted that for myself. but now that dream has died, and i grieve for my baby. i feel like i've cheated her out of the family unit she should have. my heart aches but i know without doubt that my God is an awesome God and greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. i have no idea what to do or where to go from here, so i'm just humbly holding onto God's hand, hopeful that one day soon, my heart can smile again.

i'm eating salad with a spoon. i'm doing it the hard way. and i'm doing a lot of it on my own. but just as i eventually finished that salad with that spoon, i know that no matter how many disadvantages or hurdles i have to jump over, and no matter how much hurt i have to press through, i will get to the end result. my God didn't bring me this far to leave me here.

i don't know what my life is going to look like 5 years from now. i don't even know what tomorrow will bring. i can't fall apart - my baby needs me too much. and she needs me to be the best "me" i can be.

each day that i open my eyes on this side of the grave, i know that anything's possible. so even through my tears, i'll keep dreaming, i'll keep singing, and i'll keep kissing my baby's soft, round cheeks as she giggles with delight. as long as she's laughing, i know that all the day's work was well worth it.