preparing: mind, body and soul

this thursday, i will be 34 weeks pregnant.

a baby is considered full-term at 37 weeks. though many pregnancies go to the full 40 weeks, it is not uncommon for a baby to decide he or she is ready right after 37 weeks.

in other words, only God knows when this baby will come. theoretically, she could make her debut any day now. even if she were to be born right around now at 34 weeks, she would have a very high survival probability. all systems are formed - God is just maturing them, growing them, and molding them a little more.

so in preparation of her impending birth, i am hanging up the blog. i'm hanging up a lot of "outside" things. not only do i have so many physical preparations to do (preparing my home, continued doctor appointments, projects, wrapping up tasks at work in prep for my departure - and little baby girl still does not have a name yet), i have to prepare my body for the marathon of labor and delivery, prepare my mind for the feelings, sights and sounds that labor and delivery will bring me, prepare my mind and heart to receive this new life into my own, and prepare my soul to draw even closer to God at this most desperate time in my life.

i have never before needed help like i need it now. and i am petrified.

the last 8 months of pregnancy have not been without quite a bit of hardship, sorrow, tears, and anxiety. i have a bit over a month left and i'm trying to make the most of it. there have been so many distractions separating me from the God that i claim to love and serve. and i need to draw near to Him. i need Him to draw near to me. i know what depression looks like now because i'm in it. i'm living it - though some days it's hard to believe i'm still alive. but i'm ready to give it away and let God once again make me anew. my life depends on it.

the life of my little girl depends on it. and i will not let the aches in my heart keep me from God nor keep me from being the greatest mommy this side of the Mississippi. i am ready to breathe in change, breathe in all things good and allow them to penetrate deep into my womb, to the most precious little life in the world to me - the little angel nestled warmly in my belly.

so i'm hanging up the blog. i'm hanging up the distractions. i'm hanging up the depression. i'm hanging up the defeat. i'm hanging up my sins. i'm hanging up me.

and i'm picking up my cross. i'm reaching out for my joy and peace that i've allowed the enemy to devour for far too long. and i'm marching boldly towards the God that i try to run from. i'm marching towards my destiny. i'm marching towards love: the love for God that i have a hard time showing lately but i know is in me; the love from God that i can't always feel but i know is always there; the love for and from those who have opened their arms to me in spite of myself and who have not written me off; and the love of my precious daughter.

i conceived her in sin. i have begun her life with limitations and sorrows that she should never know. but i refuse to bear her into this world with these same tears in my heart that i've carried for the last 8 months. i refuse to poison my body any longer with all this anxiety, stress, and grief. i refuse to hurt her any more than i already have, just by the way that i chose to bring her here.

my baby deserves my best, and i will give her my best. but most of all, my God deserves my best. though my best will never be good enough for a God as awesome as He, i would sooner die than to continue giving Him the scraps i've been giving.

so i'm concentrating on getting my God back; getting my body back; getting my mind back; getting my peace back; getting my joy back. whatever it takes.

farewell for awhile, and if you can find the compassion in your hearts, say a little prayer for me, baby and her daddy. the three of us are fighting our way through this storm, desperately needing the light of God to lead the way.

and if we don't perish, we WILL come out of this with victory, having been made new, having a new story to tell, and prayerfully having a blessing to give to someone else - someone like me who finds herself constantly failing, sabotaging her own progress, and reaping the life-long consequences of a bad choice that cost her dearly. i know she's out there and i'm already praying for the Lord to lead her to me and me to her.

i'm broken, but even the broken can help heal the broken.

my tears, my shortcomings, my pain, my sins and my story are working together to give me a voice. and i pray that the one who needs to hear my voice will hear. i want to be for someone else the voice that i myself have longed to hear, but have never found. i want to be the loving heart for someone else who like myself has looked at how she has all but destroyed her life and feels pressed on all sides, feels like giving up, feels like there's no way out, but who needs to know that the light and love of our merciful God CAN shine through her darkness - but only if she lets it. i want to be the Word from God that tells her that He forgives our sins as often as we need Him to, His mercy endures forever, and that nothing is impossible with God. and i want to be the smile that lets her know that though her life may look ugly at times, she is beautiful to her Creator, she is precious in His sight, and He is waiting to take her back no matter how far away she has strayed. i want to be for someone else all these things that i have a hard time believing most days for my own life.

my arms are open.

and my baby is coming soon. i'm not quite ready for her but i'm trying to get there.

one breath at a time.


with thoughts of love and good things for you,
dragonflysoul