it's a rainy thursday and i'm sleepy

and i'm bored.

i have SO much work to do but i feel so unmotivated. i've been unmotivated all week. i'm being such a horrible steward over the stable job God has blessed me with :-(

this entire week, i have probably done enough work to fill two hours. the rest of the time, i've been so unfaithful and slacking. i just have so much on my mind that i seem to drift into these zones. and the next thing i know, it's time to go home and the whole day has been wasted.

i feel incredibly guilty but i cannot seem to push myself to be productive this week. i'm just bored here. i hate saying that, but i am. i'm bored.

in these here economically-challenged times, i should be jumping for joy that i'm employed at all. so many people have lost jobs and are struggling. that became such a reality for me when people i KNOW, my own age, were getting laid off. and truthfully, i thank God EVERY DAY that i have a stable place of employment to go to every single day and that He meets all of my needs through the resources He has provided to me.

but yet and still, i'm bored and unfulfilled here. and what stings the most is that, prior to getting pregnant, i had been looking for another job. i'd sent out some resumes but hadn't heard anything back. and i was coming websites and newpapers for job listings daily.

then i got pregnant and everything changed. now i feel trapped here indefinitely.

why trapped? several reasons:

1) when i first got pregnant, i determined that my job search would have to get called off because i couldn't start a brand new job with a brand new pregnancy. i felt it would be dishonest and unethical. a potential new employer wouldn't know i was pregnant until i started to show. but how could i start a job with a hidden pregnancy knowing that less than a year into it, i'd have to leave to have my baby? it wouldn't be right.

2) most companies make you wait 90 days probationary period (at least) before your medical benefits kick in. there was no way i could be pregnant and go 3 months with no medical benefits. who would give me prenatal care in those months? what if i had a pregnancy-related emergency? i can't afford to cover those expenses on my own. another reason starting a new job during pregnancy is not a great idea.

3) i've been at my current job for 5 years (wow....). given that amount of time, i've established a relationship with my employer and the other staff. so when i need to leave for doc's appointments, when i'm not feeling well, when i need flexibility to be able to take care of anything, it's available to me. they are incredibly flexible, understanding and supportive. i couldn't have that at a new job. a new employer would not want to hire someone who will be out of the office, coming in late or leaving early for various appointments or tending to a new baby once the baby arrives. it wouldn't be fair to them, as they are just trying to get their work done and train a new person. i wouldn't have that same flexibility and relationship starting fresh at another job.

4) most companies don't offer maternity leave to you unless you've been working for them for a year. had i started a new job during this pregnancy, i wouldn't have had enough time to be able to qualify for maternity leave. so what would i do? have my baby on my lunch break and then go back to work afterwards?


so all that leaves me feeling rather stuck. i'm praise God that i have the kind of job where no one cares if i need to come in an hour or two late because i have a morning doc's appointment. or no one cares if i have to leave an hour or two early for the same reason. i have vacation days, personal days, sick days and medical benefits because i've been working here for so long. i have flexibility. our office even works only half-days on fridays during the summer! it's awesome. so i have no right to complain because my job is stable, i have no worries about layoffs, and because they've known me so long, they are supportive of my needs and try to meet them when possible.

but the truth is, i really want to seek employment elsewhere. i'm bored here, my job is not challenging and is too demanding at times for the salary they pay me. not to sound snobbish, but i'm way overqualified for this job. i need more money. life isn't getting any less expensive and i have a baby on the way. i NEED increase. and to top it off, i won't even be getting a raise this year because of their budget cutbacks. and rumor has it that we may not get raises next year either. i desperately need a higher salary.

but i'm stuck here. at this point my only option for more money is to take on part-time evening or weekend work. i've worked a full-time and part-time job simultaneously before and it can be exhausting. imagining doing that while pregnant just doesn't seem humanly possible.

i honestly don't know what to do and i'm tired of this merry-go-round in my head.