breathe, just breathe.

first official day back at work - what a bummer. BUT at least it's wednesday, and a short week is always something to shout about. so woo-hoo to that !

today, i'm facing the new day and new year with renewed strength and perspective. i will not live this year fearful of what may or may not happen. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. that is what i will hold onto. i have no idea what this year may or may not bring, but i will just breathe, trust in the Lord with all my heart, and just pray and pray some more. i'm so grateful that God is a patient God, because more often than not, i'm a total mess. i don't know why He puts up with me, but i'm so thankful nonetheless.

despite my anxieties and feelings of brokenness, i am standing tall (ok, maybe a bit slouched over), lifting my heart in great expectation of this new year's offerings. i know there will be laughter this year, there will be tears this year. i'll have good days, i'll have bad days. i'll have hi's and low's. but even in my loneliest moments, i am never alone. I have a God who knows every pain in my heart, every need that i have, even when i don't know myself. He is always there, and that comforts me.

I've spent the last few days in intense prayer, just pouring out my heart to Him. and i feel comforted by the knowledge that everything that happens, every opened door, every closed door, every answered prayer, every unanswered prayer, every laugh, every tear, are ALL a part of God's plans for me. nothing happens that He doesn't allow to happen. therefore, i will rejoice anyway, even when things hurt, even when things are uncertain.

i will face this new year with new hope. it's easy to feel hopeless, to succumb to the feelings that nothing will ever get better, nothing will ever change. and i'm guilty of letting myself get overwhelmed with those feeling of hopelessness. but God reminds me over and over that nothing is impossible with Him. so every day is another opportunity for a prayer to be answered, for a door to be closed or opened, for a wound to be healed. and when i start to doubt, all i have to do is look back over the years of my life and remember how many times God has answered a prayer, has comforted me at the right moment. and if He could do it then, He can do it now.

i think that God keeps me in certain situations to teach me patience and total trust in Him. it's easy to love God and trust Him when He works things out immediately or answers a prayer quickly. but the true test of faith is trusting in Him and loving Him when you've been praying and praying for something and you're still waiting for an answer. love and trust of Him cannot be dependent upon what He does for us. I have to keep waiting for Him, holding on to His hand even when i feel like giving up, even when i cry myself to sleep, even when i feel all alone. He hears me. and He will answer in His perfect time.

I just have to wait. and breathe.