me, the hermit: reflections of a year gone by

for the last several weeks i've been reclusive. i think i've somehow allowed myself to settle into a mini-depression. it's like quicksand that i'm ever slowly sinking into. and the only thing keeping my head above the surface is the hand of God. the ONLY thing. that's how i know He's real. He sees me slipping and He reaches down and rescues me. most days, i feel like He's all i got.

i've turned the ringer on my apartment phone off, kept my cell phone off, only leave the house when i have to (i.e. work or food) - and since i've been out on vacation from work over the Christmas holiday, i've only left my house just to go and spend an agonizing dinner with my family on sunday (early Christmas dinner) and another agonizing afternoon with some other distant family members on Christmas day. i don't answer calls or text messages unless necessary, not even from my mom. i just haven't felt like talking to or being around anyone. having to be around my family for those couple of days was like a slow death. on sunday, i even quietly slipped away into the bathroom for awhile and just sat on the edge of my mom's bathtub and wept. on tuesday, i was forced to drag myself out again and visit family that i haven't seen in ages and withstood it as long as i could before i just left and went home, got back into my pj's and curled up with my cats watching tv. i barely moved until i had to get up this morning to come to work (first day back and on a friday - woo hoo! plus i'm off monday and tuesday - that excites me).

i'm officially in a funk. i've even had those stupid bulimic thoughts again, and a few slip-ups with that where i just couldn't stop myself from purging. all of this stems from this overwhelming sense of nothingness with my life. i'm dreading the coming the new year because i distinctly remember when 2007 arrived (which sickeningly felt like it was just a few days ago), and i look back over this year and it looks alarmingly like 2006 - not much has changed.

to God's credit, i have definitely grown spiritually. i feel closer to Him now than i ever have, and that is such a blessing. so internally, i know that things have changed some. but externally, i look at my life and what do i have to show for 2007? same dead-end, frustrating job, still alone, still facing the same insecurities, still wondering where my life is going. sheesh, even I'M getting tired of my own whining and complaining about the same things. i keep thinking, aren't these the same gripes and complaints i had at the start of this useless year? and here i am, facing the onset of another year and i'm nowhere closer to any type of real goal, real change, real accomplishment.

so i can't help but feel fearful of 2008 because i don't if i can bear blogging on December 31, 2008 and writing all this woe-is-me crap all over again. i don't know if i can bear looking back over 2008 and realizing it was identical to 2007. why bother even getting out of bed when every day is the same?

on the plus side, i'm so so grateful that unlike many, my year has been virtually free of tragedy. i've known of many divorces this year, deaths, destruction, losses. and by the grace of God, i haven't experienced any of those things. no one has died, no weather disasters, i'm healthy, i'm employed, all of my day-to-day needs are met, and i truly do thank God for that. having to deal with those types of heartache can be devastating and i know that so many people all around the world have it so much worse.

but i guess i'm just tired of sitting and watching life pass me by. i feel like everyone is running this race with two strong legs, roaring towards their own personal finish lines. and i'm lagging behind, one-legged. and the one leg i do have is arthritic, and i can't even see my finish line because i have cataracts and glaucoma.

i just want to feel like i wake up each day with a purpose, whatever it is. i just want to know that i'm still alive. as i've mentioned, the only thing keeping me on this side of sanity is my faith in God. i'm telling you, He keeps me looking forward, hoping and praying for better days. His word promises that although the terrain may get rocky, He will neither leave me nor forsake me. yet He will carry me through it all, so i am not to fear. His word promises that my life is in His hands and that He knows His plans for me, even when i can't see it. so all i have to do is hold onto His hands.

well, Lord, i'm holding on. as weak as i feel, blinded by tears and scarred by failures and disappointments, i'm holding on. and just when i feel like i don't have any strength left and i start slipping away, He tightens His grip and i'm safe.