the things we do

i've come to this realization: Loneliness can drive you to do things that are so out of character. it's crazy.

that being said, i think i'm feeling lonely. i'm not one to hate solitude - quite the contrary, i love my solitude. crave it even. but it has been so long since i've been in a real relationship, that i crave having a constant someone near me. i've dated over the last few years, several guys. but i haven't been in a committed relationship since my last one ended in '03. and i miss being committed. i miss having someone to look forward to seeing or talk to after work. i miss having someone to go to a movie with or out to dinner with or hold hands with.

one thing is for sure, and that's that i've become extremely independent these last few years (moreso than ever before). i do just about everything alone, which has been very rewarding. i realized that i'm stronger than i thought, and even when things are scary, i step out on my own and do my own thing, on my own, because there really isn't anyone else there to do them with me. and although there are times i wish i had someone special there with me to share certain moments, there is something so fulfilling about accomplishing something completely on your own. i went to a concert alone, to several movies alone, i've driven long distances alone, i joined my church alone, i got baptised alone, i apartment hunted alone, i now live alone. these are all things that most people i know have done with their friends or a family member or bf/gf right beside them. but i've had to take all these steps on my own. it has been very empowering, to say the least, and i'm so grateful for the experiences.

but even still...i'm feeling lonely. maybe it's the impending holidays and the thought that once again, i have to endure another Christmas and New Year's Eve without any special plans with a special someone. don't get me wrong, i love Christmas because it's not about me, it's about celebrating our Lord's birth. and i'm grateful that i have a family to spend it with and more than enough food and warmth. but there's always that part of me that wishes i had someone sitting beside me, holding my hand on Christmas day. and definitely wishing i had someone to kiss when the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve. and it's hard to be out and watch all the couples celebrating together.

anyways, so this loneliness thing has caused me to do things that really are not "me." like for instance, that guy i wrote about before, the liar with the sex buddy in baltimore. even before i found out all that stuff, i knew that he was so not the one for me, not even a little bit. he's in his mid-thirties, no concrete goals or really doing anything to work towards them, just a lot of talk, we don't share the same level of spirituality, and he annoys me. he doesn't make me laugh, he's not very mature to be his age - we just aren't a good match at all (and now that i know about this woman, we really aren't a good match, clearly). but like i said, even before i found out about her, i knew this wasn't someone i really wanted because it could never really go anywhere. and i was only attracted to him physically. he doesn't stimulate me mentally, emotionally, nothing. but knowing all of this, i still spent time with him because he was 'someone' giving me attention. he called me several times a day (which got on my nerves after awhile, but at first, it was nice that someone wanted to talk to me so much). he'd call me from the grocery store and ask if i needed him to pick me up anything. i miss having a guy do something thoughtful like that for me. and i enjoyed his affection. but it's just so NOT like me to be affectionate with a guy that i am not really interested in dating. i don't waste my time seeing someone that i know isn't good for me. and i've even told him flat out we will never be together so he doesn't think i'm leading him on (he doesn't believe me and insists we will get together one of these days...yeah right, ok). i just liked having someone to kiss and hug and snuggle up and watch a movie with. but again, that is so not what i'm about. i know you may think, ok what's the big deal, so you made out with the guy a few times...big deal. but to me, even kissing and such is special. i don't generally make it a habit of kissing guys just because. kisses are special to me. and this guy is not. i was just feeling lonely and enjoyed the attention. but that's all over now, thank God. and it's fine because as bad as this may sound, it didn't really mean anything to me.

but man, do i wish i had someone who really does mean something to me. i'm still waiting...somewhat impatiently. but i'm waiting.