pondering purpose

like many others, i often sit and wonder (and pray) about my purpose on earth. why was i put here? what am i supposed to be doing? why have certain things taken place in my life? what's their purpose, what MY purpose? i don't limit the question of purpose to anything related to a career. you can have any career you want in life...but i firmly believe that God has a purpose for all of us, which is not always directly related (or not related at all) to a job/career. so i wonder these things often. it has taken me years to discover WHO i am. now i'm questioning WHY i am. why was i given certain gifts? how can i use them? why have i met certain individuals? why i have endured some of the pain i have? why have i made some of the mistakes i have? i know that there is a reason for it all, but God has not yet revealed the reasons to me. i'm patient (well, sometimes), and i trust Him completely. and i put all my faith in His Word which says in Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Which means that for all who truly love the Lord and believe in His name and His Son Jesus, and serve and worship Him, ALL things, the good, the bad, your mistakes, your flaws, your successes - God will use them all for your good somehow. and He, of course, will get the glory.

so i'm feeling somewhat anxious, trying so hard to trust God and allow Him to do whatever He wants for my life. but sometimes, my "humanness" gets the best of me, and i find myself getting worried and frustrated because i just DON'T KNOW. have you ever felt like you just don't know...don't know why, don't know where, don't know how, don't know who? that's how i'm feeling now, like my life is one big question mark. things just seem so undefined, so up in the air. now don't get me wrong, my life is blessed. i have a beautiful, warm home, my health and mental stability, a job, resources, no major disasters or devastation in my life, my family is all alive and well. so i'm grateful for all that God does for me on a regular basis, and i take none of it for granted. but sometimes my life just feels so...shapeless. my friendships are undefined - these days i don't know who really cares for me and who is just out to get what they want from me. i have people in my life who say they're my friends, but they're not really there for me - a lot of takers, no givers. my job is undefined...hate where i work, have no idea where to go from here or what i even want to be doing for sure. sometimes my own desires and what i want out of life are undefined. it's tiresome.

i look at my life and how different it is from the lives of so many people that i know. for instance, i'm very much a loner. i have very few people in my life. i have a small family that i love dearly, and one person that i truly call a friend (although his friendship is one that i question these days), and a few sort-of-friends...you know, those people you talk to every once in awhile, may go out to dinner with, but you'd never depend on them in a crisis because they've proven not to be all that dependable, nor would you ever trust them to really spill all your guts out to. so pretty much, i spend a lot of time alone. maybe it's because i've been hurt by so-called friends, etc. before so i don't tend to trust very easily. or maybe that's the way God has orchestrated it purposely. i wonder. (please don't take these statements as my saying that i desire an entourage of friends, because i certainly don't...life tends to be MUCH less filled with drama when you limit the number of people you surround yourself with). but still...sometimes i find that i'm a little envious when i see groups of friends having fun. i don't have that.

all that having been said, i don't know why things are the way they are. i'm sure there's a reason that the Lord has allowed things to happen and has caused things to happen a certain way in my life. sometimes, i just wish i knew why. but i'm trying hard to just trust, and let Him work and move in my life as He sees fit. and when He thinks i can handle knowing some things, He'll tell me. :-)

this blog is so long and all over the place. but that's how my thoughts are these days...