who i am (or rather, who am i?)

as i was strutting down the street yesterday, i got a lot of stares and heads turning my way. a part of me was feeling pretty good: i was having a good hair day, i was diggin my outfit, and had perfected my walk in those heels i hardly ever wear because they're kinda high and if i walk for too long in them, my feet start cussin me out. but as i swayed and strolled, i thought to myself how funny it was that all these strange eyes were admiring me. i wondered what they thought to themselves as i passed by. i have no clue what thoughts were running thru their heads, but i can sure tell you what was on my mind: "if only they knew..."

If only they knew how much i lacked confidence, how i have my "good days" where i put on the right outfit and am feeling a slight sense of empowerment. but even on those days, such as yesterday, my mind is constantly plagued by self-doubt and self-consciousness. so even though a small part of me craves the attention sometimes (which in and of itself speaks volumes about my low self-esteem tendencies), a larger part of me fears that same attention. i feel their eyes burning into me, and my heart speeds with nervousness. do my hips look too big in this skirt? what if i trip on this jacked up sidewalk (thanks, city of DC for spending our tax dollars so wisely)? am i sucking my stomach in enough so they don't see my slight pouch i got going on under this shirt? can they see the evidence on my face of that zit i had over a month ago that insisted on leaving its mark? why don't my calves look like hers? my booty isn't as round as hers. wow, that woman over there is beautiful....

i'm always comparing myself to others. not really out of envy, but just out of pure self-doubt and self-disappointment. and it's so funny when people compliment me because, while my mouth is saying "thank you," my mind is thinking, "i wonder what they see in me?" what is exhausting sometimes is that this is a constant thought that creeps into my mind. and it's what makes me afraid to really get to know people and let them see and get close to the real me. i am the epitome of human: imperfect, full of flaws, scarred by the mistakes of the past. and i find it near impossible to forgive myself of this condition. so when people see me "confidently" strolling down the street, i wonder if they think "wow, she looks like she has it together." if so, they couldn't be more wrong.

sure, i'm independent, i have my own place, my own car, pay all my own bills, stable job, and always look well put-together on the outside. but inside, i feel as lost as a child in the woods. every direction i turn seems more uncertain than the first. i battle with memories of stupid mistakes (and consequences) of my yesterdays and with the too-real realization that i am riddled with flaws -from physical flaws to emotional flaws to character flaws to intellectual flaws to behavioral flaws. and sometimes, all of these images are so pressed against the forefront of my mind that i refuse to allow anyone to get to close to me because i'm convinced that if they knew all the imperfections that lurked beneath the squeaky-clean, smiling, strutting surface, they would run and never look back...