so glad it's friday...

i'm exhausted but happy as a clam that it's friday, even though i'm at work all day. i plan on doing some serious sleeping this weekend, as i have not slept well all week. i've been going to bed way late and still getting up early every day and my body is feeling the deprivation. last night was no exception. i was really wound up, so i started blogging and watching reruns of "227" and "Amen" on TV One. by the time i lay my head down to rest, it was pushing 1 am. then of course, as it usually goes, my mind was not ready to rest and wandered all over the place.

i dreamt about him. and i hate that. isn't it enough that he consumes so many of my daytime thoughts? does he have to penetrate my sleep as well? geesh. and the dream seemed so real. i woke up feeling tired and sad and wondering if he ever dreams of me. i highly doubt it, but anything is possible. what frustrates me the most is that i find myself checking my cell as soon as i wake up to see if he called or sent me a text message during the night. i hate it when he pops up in my life out of the blue, and calls or sends me texts for sometimes 3 days in a row. and then he disappears and i don't hear from him for months. even during those short, infrequent spurts of communication, i find myself getting used to hearing from him, even anticipating it, and that makes it even harder for me when he fades away again and i have to put myself thru my own personal rehab/detox all over again to try to get un-used to his calls. though most of the time, if he calls or sends a text, i don't answer or respond back. except for that one time about a month ago, when he called and i hadn't spoken to him in ages, and i was freaking out looking at his number on my caller ID and i tried hard to resist answering but i was weak and couldn't help it. when i did answer his call, i ended up regretting it (as usual) because i found out he was moving to NC and living with a "friend" from school - most likely a female judging by how vague he was being with the details - and starting this whole new life that once again doesn't include me.

i know that during those long periods when i don't hear from him, that he's out there somewhere seeing someone else, maybe falling in love with someone else, starting new jobs, going new places, doing new things. but i'd much rather not know about any of it. whoever said ignorance is bliss could not have been more right. so my heart just cracked a little bit more when he told me he was relocating. i don't even know why that hurt me but it did. it's not like he lived close to me anymore to begin with, and it's not like even if he was still near me, we'd be seeing each other. but i guess it hurt to hear that he was moving even further away because it meant a new chapter in his life was beginning, in a sense, and it bothers me so much that he's flipping thru all these chapter without me - and all i have now are the memories of our story.

i know this must sound incredibly selfish and mean of me, but i don't want him to be happy without me. i don't want him to go to exciting places and have fun with friends and do all the wonderful things we used to plan to do together. i don't wish any harm on him, don't get me wrong. i'd never wish him to become ill or hurt or anything like that. but it kills me that he's out there living his life and laughing and having all kinds of new experiences, and i'm here, alone, missing him and thinking about him. i want him to feel the same longing that i feel. i want him to miss me and fantasize about holding me the same way that i do. i want him to meet a woman and try hard as hell to get interested in her, only to realize that she's just not me and he can't feel the same way about her that he used to feel about me. that's what happens to me every time i meet a new guy. i want him to lay awake at night and remember how we used to lay together, my leg draped over his, my head on his chest, and miss the warmth of our embraces. i want him to dream about me so vividly that he wakes up still hearing my voice and feeling my touch. i want him to go somewhere or do something and think to himself, "i wish she were here to share this with me." i want him to hear a song or watch a movie that reminds him of me. i want him to be just as obsessed and struggling to get over me as i am trying to rid my heart of all traces of him.

what confuses me so much is that when he does resurface every so often, via email or text or random phone call, he sometimes tells me how much he misses what we had and that he thinks of me all the time. but then i find out he's living with some chick, sharing his life, his home, his bed. how can he miss me and think of me so much when someone else has invaded his thoughts and air and space? and he invited her in...

i feel so pathetic at times because it's been over two years since we ended, but i feel like i have made little to no progress in getting over him. every guy i meet, i can't help but compare them to him. i fear i'll never connect to anyone like that ever again.