i miss her (sometimes)

walking around downtown, i can't help but feel a twinge of envy when i see groups of women having fun, laughing, making weekend plans, talking about their upcoming cruises and "ladies night" activities together. i've never had that, and as i get older, it starts to eat away at my harmony more and more. when i was in college, i had a lot of "girlfriends"... and i use the "friend" portion of that word very loosely. but i later learned that none of them were ever true friends, but were simply people i knew would always be down for a party or a night out at the bars or hanging in someone's suite. yet they were never there when i needed them and were quite fickle. someone was always leaving the "group" and being replaced by some new chick. one minute they liked you, the next they didn't. how ridiculously juvenile. but for a good 2.5 years, those were my main college companions, until i started to really see how deceitful and untrustworthy most of them were (and by most, i mean all), and i separated myself from the herd.

to this day, other than my sister, i have no close female companion to call "my friend." my sister and i are pretty close most days, but i've never felt like she was my friend, she's always been my big sister. and because she's always held onto her protective, sisterly role and has never allowed herself to just be herself and completely open with me (for fear of tainting her little sis or perhaps simply tainting this saintly image she thinks she should portray in order to set a good example for me - even though i'm 24 years old), we have never fully crossed that threshold into the realm of true friendship. and i'm afraid it will always be that way. we talk, we live together, we spend time together, but we don't generally share all the intimate, inner workings of our hearts and lives with each other, the way you would spill your guts and be completely open and vulnerable with a best friend. it bothers me sometimes and i wish it were different, but that's the way it's always been. and i've learned to live with it.

i had a best girlfriend all through high school and some of college, but we parted ways about 2 years ago - and not on friendly terms at all. it seems she didn't want a true friend who would be completely honest with her, even when she didn't want to hear it, which is exactly the kind of friend i was to her. i don't believe in being anyone's "Yes Woman," only telling you what you want to hear, so as to not rock the boat, instead of telling you what you need to hear, even if it means making you angry at me for a minute. sometimes we need to be told when we're wrong, when we need to think about changing our ways, when we've done something stupid. i was never judgmental or nonconstructive with criticism, or nit-pickey. but when it came to serious issues in her life that strongly needed addressing, as her friend, i felt it my duty to sit down with her and talk to her about them. i welcome and encourage anyone who calls themselves my friend to do the same with me, even if i get mad, even if i don't want to hear it. if you're my friend you'll pull me to the side and say "hey friend, what you're doing is not cool..." she would never do that for me because she was intent on holding onto her fears of confrontation, and she flat out refused to hear me when i tried to help her and eventually ended our friendship. she couldn't take hearing truth, and i couldn't take being friends with someone who would rather me sit back silently and watch her make decisions that could wreck her life, rather than lovingly talk to her about bad choices she makes and try to help her fix them; i couldn't take being friends with someone who would sit back silently and watch me made awful and potentially destructive choices and would say nothing because she didn't want to upset me. i needed a mature friend/friendship, she needed a deaf-mute-blind person to be her friend. and thus our season ended.

i think about her sometimes and wonder how she and the baby (boy or girl?) are doing. i think about how much we used to laugh and all fun we had, the places we went, the people we met. i have a very close male friend that i love and trust dearly, but it's nothing like having that closeness with another woman that you really connect with. i miss that. sometimes i feel a little empty because of it.