Catch 22

if my life were a movie, it'd be entitled "Catch 22," the reason being that, it doesn't seem to matter what i do (or don't do), things always turn out on a not-so-good note. so as they say, i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't. one example of this would be my current social life, or lack thereof. after the horrific experience of my last relationship, which ended more than 2 years ago, i closed myself off from the dating world. for a loooong time, i didn't talk to guys, didn't look at guys, wouldn't take any phone numbers, was pretty much a dating hermit, you could say. i didn't date, period. didn't even open myself to the possibility of dating, and anyone who approached me with some degree of interest, i was overwhelmingly cynical and mistrusting and would always politely just say "i'm not interested." so as you can imagine, it's been a pretty lonely journey. well in the last 6 months or so i started to coach myself out of this funk saying, "self? how do you expect to meet anyone worthwhile if you don't give at least SOMEONE a chance?" i mean, some great guy is not gonna just come dropping from my ceiling and into my lap, right? i'm gonna have to meet someone if i wanna be with someone...(logically speaking).

so a few months ago i met this guy who was kinda cute and seemed really nice, and he gave me his number and told me to make sure i call. but i debated for awhile as to whether or not i was actually going to, because i wasn't sure if i was truly ready to do all that again. but i kept running into the guy at the train station and he would always say, "when are you gonna call me? i'd really like to talk to you and get to know you, i really want you to call me...blah blah." finally like 2 months after he first gave me his number, we spoke on the phone (there are several reasons as to why it took so long for our first conversation to take place, but it would take too long to get into). the first time i called, i was nervous as hell, but we had a great time talking. it felt so natural and easy, and we laughed and talked about everything. the next night, he calls me (he even asked me during our first conversation if it was ok for him to save my number in his phone so that he could call me) which was a good sign b/c it means he's showing some interest, or so i thought. but after about 4 minutes of conversation someone calls on his other line. he clicks over, comes back and says..."uh, i'll call you tomorrow..." so i'm thinking what the world just happened here?? we just got on the phone! but whatever, if he had to go take that call, he had to take the call (mmmmmhmmmmmm....).

the next day, he doesn't call, and not the next or the next or the next. now you're probably wondering, "why didn't you just call him?" glad you asked, and the reason is that #1: he clearly said, "i'll call you tomorrow." so of course i took that literally. #2: i tend to take hints very easily and when someone hangs up with me so vaguely and quickly after only being on the phone with me for a hot second and in addition to that says they're gonna call me back and never does, and days go by and i haven't heard from them, (i know this is a run-on sentence but screw you for analyzing my grammar at a time like this) i assume they are not interested in speaking with me. well...the kicker is that the very next week, i'm on the train and at one point i hear a familiar voice coming from somewhere behind me, i turn around and standing several yards away, near one of the train doors is the dude and his friend/co-worker (whom i've met before when i first met the guy i'm writing about). so the friend/co-worker sees me and waves and comes over to where i was seated and talks to me, asks how i've been, etc. do you know that the dude, the one who made it a point to express how interested he was in speaking to me, the one who every single time i ran into him before i actually called him, told me how much he hoped i'd call and wanted to talk to me, this same guy...saw me sitting there, and then turned his attention back toward the door he was standing in front of. his FRIEND, whom i have only seen a couple times when i would run into the guy at the train station, was the one who came and greeted me, the dude i had been talking to barely looked my way, didn't wave, didn't smile, didn't come over to my seat, NADA!!! now i ask you, WHAT. THE. !!!

needless to say, we haven't spoken. and i deleted his number from my cell.

so i swear off men, and refuse to talk to any guys, let alone date one, and i'm left feeling lonely and wanting a companion. then i break down, open myself to meeting people, FINALLY after all this time allow a guy to call me...and this stupid mess happens....and the mind-boggling thing is, i don't even know WHAT happened!! one day we have a great convo, he calls the very next day, we talk for a minute, he gets another call, quickly hangs up with me, never hear from him again, then he snubs me when i see him on the train....

go figure.