this is EXACTLY why i need Jesus, prayer, and more Jesus

so i was watching the news coverage of a group of women who were arrested for "torturing" a cheating husband. apparently, 2 of the women were involved with him romantically but weren't aware that he was married until he sent them emails later confessing that he was married with children. one of the other women who was involved in the assault was the cheater's wife. they all tag-teamed and did some very very not nice things to this guy. they didn't kill him nor do i believe they even wounded him with weapons, but they tied him up, slapped him around and did some bad things to him (like krazy gluing some stuff...LOL...sorry...that's not funny).

well, i'm going to admit something quite evil right now: when i first heard the story, i thought "ha. good for them. that's what his cheating behind gets."

i know...i'm terrible, so save the lectures.

it's unfortunate because not only are these lives and hearts badly damaged but these women face several years in prison for what they've done. a marriage is probably all but destroyed. it's really sad.

but i can't help but think (though i know it's not the right heart to have) that this is exactly what people get when they cheat on their spouses. this man humiliated, hurt and mistreated these women, worst of all his own wife. though i don't condone criminal acts of revenge, i understand how someone can feel so betrayed and victimized by someone else's heartlessness that you lose control.

cheating spouses have had far worse destinies than this super glue cheater guy. he better be glad he escaped with his life.

i know i sound so un-Christian, and believe me, i know these thoughts are very un-Christian. but i imagine myself at home loving my husband, making a life and a home with him, only to later have my whole world turned upside down when i find out he's carrying on multiple affairs.

my heart is admittedly in the wrong place here because i should never delight in the sufferings of anyone else. and the truth is, an adulterer's sin is no different than any of my sins in the eyes of God - and boy oh boy have my sins been plentiful. as a matter of fact, my life is turned upside right now because i'm having a baby without a husband as a result of my own sin. so believe me when i say that i don't put anyone else's sins above my own, as if one is greater than another. they are not.

but still, i have this hard place in my heart when it comes to marital infidelity because i can't imagine what it would feel like to learn that my husband did that to me. i understand why women lose control and end up on 'Snapped'. i don't condone murder or even assaulting anyone. but i understand how you can almost lose your mind when you've committed your heart to someone so deeply in something so sacred as marriage, only to find out that it's all been a lie. you feel like you don't even know that person anymore. like their love for you was always nonexistent.

and maybe it was.

can you really truly love someone if you intentionally do things you know would devastate and hurt them? could i look my husband in the face and say "i love you" and then go out and sleep with another man, knowing that it would completely crush him?

i guess i just think that when you love someone, you try your best to avoid hurting them at any cost. you don't willfully do things that you know will cause them pain.

why is cheating in marriages so prevalent? i have known so many couples who have gone through this - some have made it, but most have ended in divorce. children born out of affairs, life-changing diseases born out of affairs, broken homes and hearts born out of affairs.

i really want God to work on this part of my heart because i want to be married some day. and i know that even the best man can sometimes fall. temptation is quite powerful and many people succumb to it. but i don't want to live my life in fear and agony just waiting for the ball to drop, waiting for the rug to be pulled from under me, waiting for my husband to be unfaithful to me and ruin our home.

forgiveness in those situations is not impossible. but it is exceptionally hard. and i wonder if i'd have the heart to do so? nothing is impossible with God.

but i admit to asking God to please never test me in this way because i don't want to bear it. i don't want to have to find out just how much i can forgive. God has forgiven me of some pretty awful stuff in my lifetime. He forgives me every day. Jesus Himself DIED for my sins. so i know i don't have a right to not forgive someone, even in marital infidelity.

yet it's such a fear of mine. i guess that's why God says to put our trust in Him, not in man. but you have to have some degree of trust in your spouse right?

i'm not an advocate of divorce. i've been through divorce - that of my parents. my mother and stepfather are each other's second spouses after a previous divorce. my father is also remarried. i see how divorce causes so much pain and division in families. there are issues and heartaches that will last a lifetime in my family because of the divorce of my parents, the divorce of my stepdad and his first wife, and the remarriages of both. it's so painful and i never want to put my kids through that. i don't want to put myself through that.

and i know God hates divorce, though He can and does forgive it.

but i wonder if i could stay married to a man who cheated on me? i don't know if all the spiritual counseling in the world could help me do that.

it's so easy to say "with God's help, you could get through it..."

that is, until it happens to you.