to reunite or not to reunite...that is the question

i have a ton of energy today!

i'm happy about that. thanks, God! i feel like i want to go running after work, then go swimming.

watch, as soon as i get in my car this evening, i'm gonna be so tired that i won't want to do anything but go home and put on my pjs and eat the lasagna i made yesterday.

but for right now, i feel like a million bucks.

i feel like i want to talk about stuff but i don't have anything to talk about.

i have some draft posts in the queue but nothing that i really feel like editing or posting right now.


oh wait...how 'bout this:

should i go to my 10-year highschool reunion???

(i'm not even gonna get started on how SICK AND TWISTED it is that i've been out of highschool for TEN YEARS!!!!!! man...i'm old as Abraham....AND Sarah LOL)

anyway, the reunion is in August and i have to RSVP by next week. and i have no idea if i even want to go.

my reservations about going are for the following reasons:

1) i have kept in touch with virtually no one from highschool, save for a few ladies (i went to an all-girl private school in case you don't remember) here and there. one in particular i talk to a couple times a year, and we meet up for lunch or a birthday or something. she's still really close to quite a number of the girls we went to school with so i hear about their goings-on and what not, and see them once in awhile if she has a social event. a few others (about 4) are still friends with another friend of mine so we hear about each other through him. but i don't talk to them at all. not for any particular reason, just that we've never had a close relationship like that. i may see them at someone's party or get-together once in a blue moon, but that's it.

so basically, why go to a reunion and reunite with people i haven't spoken to much (or at all) since 1999 when we graduated? what will we talk about? i totally don't mean to sound judgmental or mean-spirited by what i'm about to say, so please forgive me if i come across that way. but many of the ladies are still in the same "cliques" that they had formed back in highschool. they still party and hang together OFTEN, with the same exact individuals.

i guess for me, i don't understand because i haven't really kept in touch with anyone but i often wonder if they've branched out at all and widened their circles? i mean, seriously, they all still hang out faithfully like we were still in 10th grade. on the one hand, it's awesome to form life-long bonds like that and a part of me envies that. on the other hand, because that never happened to me and i was never in a "group" in highschool, it just seems...weird?

i've never been a part of a clique of girls, not even now. in school i was friendly with lots of people, sure but only formed a couple of close friendships. even now, i don't hang with a huge group of friends. i have a lot of associates that i'm perfectly social and friendly with, but only a few close bonds. for some reason i believe God designed me that way. i always dreamed of having those "TV" relationships with women where a group of 5 or 6 of us are best best friends and do everything from shop to travel to have our babies together. but God has never brought those kinds of relationships into my life. He gives me one or two people to hold onto...

i don't fully understand why but i've accepted that my circle of friends will never be particularly wide.

so i wonder what i'll talk about, if i'll even fit in at the reunion, if i'll feel left out because so many of them still are best buds and i haven't talked to them in years?

2) a lot of the girls are married with kids, have done awesome exciting things since highschool (great jobs, travel, moved away, etc). by August (when the reunion takes place) i'll be quite huge with pregnancy, no husband to show for it, no awesome exciting things under my belt. still working the same job for the last 5 years, a boring job not even related to my college degree/major, still living in the same general area. for all those reasons i feel so inadequate. and i don't feel like having to explain my pregnant situation or answering questions about marriage and such. my friend and i aren't even engaged or in a relationship. so basically it'd be me trying to figure out a way to not cry the whole time while i listen to everyone talk about their husbands, kids, engagements and weddings, while i sit there all 8 months pregnant, huge, and alone.

3) my ex-best friend will likely be there. she and i had a falling out about 5 years ago and haven't spoken since then. it's a super long story but basically our friendship ended over her pregnancy back then. she got pregnant that year by a guy she had been in a very unstable, tumultous, unhealthy relationship with. and she had been thinking about breaking up with him, but then she ended up getting pregnant. that happened right around the time i had rededicated my life to Christ and was making major changes in my life and lifestyle. so i tried to talk to her about her choices in life in as truthful but understanding way that i could. but she got mad at me, told me flat out that i had a lot of nerve and that she didn't want to be friends anymore.

it was devastating and i felt guilty for so long because i wondered how i could have handled that differently. we were both only 21 years old, very young and i was just coming back into a relationship with God. i was hurt by her pregnancy but i really was concerned about her life and about her well-being, especially because i was at a place where i could finally see how my previous choices were super unhealthy and needed to change. God was opening my eyes and i tried to help her open hers. because the relationship she was in was such a rocky, unhealthy one and had been for years and now she was having a kid with this guy (who really was not a nice guy at all, seriously), i felt i needed to tell her the truth, so i did. but i guess she felt judged (which i understand totally, especially now) and she lashed out at me, said a lot of really hurtful things, and then ended our friendship.

in the years since then, i had tried to reach out to her but to no avail. she surprisingly sent me an email about a year and a half ago apologizing for a lot of stuff she said. and i too, in response, sincerely apologized for my role in what had happened with us, letting her know that i felt guilty that i didn't handle things properly and wished i could have been there for her, and wondered about her and the baby (not a baby anymore), and letting her know that as far as i was concerned, all was forgiven and over and done with. and i let her know that i was open to us talking things out.

she never responded. i assumed (which was all i could do) that her apology was to assuage any guilt she may have been carrying. but that she wasn't looking to rekindle a friendship. i was hurt that she didn't respond to me, but i let it go. i'm not in the least bit angry and i have forgiven everything for sure. but seeing her might be rather uncomfortable. i don't know how she feels about me.

and being pregnant myself now, i wonder if she'd think me an awful hypocrite.

4) the reunion tix cost $$ that i don't want to spend. money is super tight for me these days and i'm trying to avoid all unnecessary costs. the tickets are expensive (to me anyway) and i don't really want to dish out the cash for them.



BUT....


if i don't go, i'd feel like i'm being antisocial or something. and i'd feel like i may later regret it and wish i had gone.

i have only a few days left to decide and i'm having an awful time figuring this one out.

*sigh*