i have to remember...

...that all these tears i cry, i deserve to cry. no one afflicted me with pain. nothing just "happens" to me. i have created my own circumstances by choosing my own choices.

what right do i have to even cry or be hurt by anything that happens? the right to grieve is reserved for those whose pain has found them. but pain didn't find me - i went looking for it. and i found it, 100-fold.

and now that i've found it, i don't want it and i'm wishing i had never gone looking for it. but it's too late. now i have the audacity to pray and hope for mercy and better days. what right do i have to hope for sunshine, when i'm the one who conjured the rain?

i can't even feel God right now. i feel like He has turned His face from me. it's one thing to not hear God. but it's another thing to not hear Him OR feel Him.

sometimes i wonder if He even remembers who i am.

but what right do i have to complain?

i don't. so i won't.

i can't work today. i'm not even being productive or valuable to anyone. my body is here but every other part of me is gone. so i'm leaving early - i should have just stayed in bed. what a waste of a commute, money, gas and time.

Happy Resurrection Sunday to you all. remember that Jesus is the risen Lord, and that's why we celebrate. not for the egg hunts, bunnies and jellie beans.

by the way, have you had the Jolly Rancher or Starburst jellie beans? they're really good. if you're fond of sweets (like i have a tendency to be), then you may not want to even taste them. they're addictive and you'll eat like 40 in 30 seconds.