tale of two beauties

Mr. X:

tall and nicely built. he works out - and it shows. his smile is perfect, and i dare you to stare into those brown eyes and not get pulled in. you won't be able to do it.

smooth brown skin with a hint of cinnamon that begs to be touched. he's animated, loud, visible wherever he goes. intelligent, wonderful conversationalist, will have you laughing without even knowing why. he's contagious. it's hard to imagine that anyone in the world could possibly not like him. i haven't found one such person yet.

we talk for hours and hours about everything. and nothing. from Christ to cartoons, from food to friendships, from love to sadness, from victories to failures. we tease each other, quick wit and sarcasm constantly flow. we laugh with each other, we vent to each other. we share our imperfections, our histories. we have a lot in common. but we're very different.

but if he ever wants anything more, i'll never know...

sometimes it feels like more than friendship. but most times, our status screams loudly in my face. "friend" is becoming the most vulgar word in my vocabulary.

Mr. Z:

handsome, boyish. deep, smooth voice whose melody i love to hear.

rugged yet reserved. an interesting combination of "choir boy" and "corner boy." he's usually found dressed down in jeans; hates suits, loves comfort. walks with a bit of a beat. to look at him, one might assume he's unrefined, hard, into worldly things.

to listen to him, one would hear...innocence. and Christ. the words of a man who knows his Lord and strives after His heart; the words of a man who hasn't seen much, hasn't done much. how has he made it all these years with such an unblemished record? it's fascinating.

he loves. and loves hard. he knows things, sees things.

we talk for hours. it's easy, familiar, comfortable. we have a lot in common. but we're very different.

he's quiet; he's shy. his voice never seems to leave a certain decibel. he speaks softly, sometimes rambles. i think i make him nervous.

i love that i make him nervous.

he's adorable. sweet brown eyes that melt a part of you. he tilts his head to the side when i talk to him. he's listening. golden skin that glistens in the sunlight and leaves a sweet scent behind every time he embraces me.

he thinks the world of me. i'm amazed that someone could see so much goodness in me, things that i don't see myself. he tells me i'm "too good to be true," i'm a "total package." i'm....

confused.

because that chemistry, that spark, that palpable attraction that i have with Mr. X is nowhere to be found with Mr. Z. yet Mr. X has made it clear without saying as much, that we're friends. Mr. Z has made it clear, by saying it outright, that he's interested in me. he's into me. he wants me.

but i want Mr. X.

what's wrong with me?