again.

then he called me.

we talked for 2 hours on the phone. the night before that we talked for 3.5 hours, until 2am, both of us having to work the next day. when we talk, i love every single inflection of his voice, the way he pronounces certain words, the way he laughs so hard that i can barely understand him, and it makes me laugh contagiously. the way he says my name right before he's about to make a strong point or tell me something humorous or tell me something that ticks him off. he says my name. he knows my name.

i hate my name but it sounds so beautiful coming from his tongue.

simultaneously, every time we speak, i loathe every word he utters to me. his words talk to me about other women, stabbing another chamber of my heart with each syllable. his words remind me over and over that we're friends. i hate his words. and i hate when he says my name in the same sentence with the name of some other woman. they don't belong together.

i find myself not even wanting to hear from him, irritated with him, frustrated by him. but i can't press "ignore" when i see his name shining on my telephone screen. i just can't ignore him.

there is no one else i could stomach talking to for 3.5 hours on the phone.