monday musings

i learned that when i feel the way i feel, i'm not alone. over the weekend, my sis went to the baby shower of a good friend of hers. she told me later that it made her feel sad - sad that these things haven't yet happened in her life. i literally felt her hurt, as i often feel saddened upon witnessing and sharing in the same experiences of those around me. and my sister is 3 years older than me, so i can imagine she must be feeling just a little more urgent about it all. i'm grateful that we can both relate to how that feels and can therefore be each other's support system.

it's so easy for people to say just enjoy being single and unmarried, just enjoy having no kids, just enjoy where you are. and i'm not saying we should wallow in self-pity and dwell on our have-nots, as we are very blessed in so many aspects of life - and we do acknowledge and thank the Lord. but when you've longed for something for a long time and realize you're nowhere close to seeing those dreams fulfilled, yet the invitations to your friends' weddings and baby showers are flooding your mailbox, your feelings of being blessed turn into feeling blah.

and truth be told, it's hard to smile, congratulate and celebrate when everyone else has what you want and you're watching from the sidelines. it's just the way that it is. i wish more people were sympathetic to that. i'm grateful that i have that sympathy for my sister and can comfort her in ways her married/mother friends can't.

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what sucks about being vegan most is that everyone is always all up in my plate. either they're checking out what "gross" vegan soy concoction i'm enjoying now, or they're questioning an item on my plate ("doesn't bread have milk in it?") or they're just waiting to see me dig into a cheeseburger or a chicken wing. i've been vegan for years - i know what i can and can't eat. i know how to read ingredients. if i'm eating it, it's because i can. thanks for your concern though - 'preciate it. and if i hear one more person "joke" that i just have to be dying for a burger or a pepperoni pizza, i'm going to throw some tofu at them. if you're waiting to "catch" me at the corner table of a dark restaurant chowing down on some ribs, keep waiting. it ain't gonna happen. and not everything i eat is some tofu-laden, soy goulash. i do eat "real" food people. let's move on. it's really not that interesting.

i love being vegan. and i realize that it's going to draw some attention when, at the dinner table surrounded by meat-eaters, i'm the only one not doing so - though i never announce "hey! i'm vegan! look at my plate!!" but it'd be nice if people were more sensitive to the fact that perhaps it makes me a bit uncomfortable to sit at a table of 20 people and have everyone stare at me in total silence as people ask me question after question about why i'm vegan, what made me go vegan, what do i eat, where do i shop, how do i cook. sometimes i get tempted to bite into a chicken breast just so that i blend in.

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this flesh of ours is E.V.I.L. EVIL!!
i am dying over here. i'm won't go into detail, but i'm dying. use your imagination. do me a favor and tell me what you're imagining....please? LOL, j/k.

dying though.

slowly.

n e e d. J e s u s.

allow me to be transparent and ramble for awhile. i don't know how long i'm going to be able to be strong - seriously. i've put in a lot of years here and i'm feeling the absence. the Holy Spirit gives so much strength in times of temptation, yes i know. but lately i'm feeling like it's not enough. i feel like i want to just sin and repent later though i know i can't and that i'll regret it tremendously. i am literally wrestling, you guys. i see dragonfly the spirit and dragonfly the flesh body slamming each other WWF style. it's really not cool. the flesh is evil and weak and i feel weaker by the day. everything and everyone is evil. thoughts are running wild. i hate life at this very moment. it would be easier if i had an end in sight - like if i were engaged. then i'd have a goal to press toward. but i don't . for all i know i'll get married when i'm 47.

someone please kill me. it's really not fair. and working out ain't helping. i'm just buff and still horny, LOL.

oh Father. i need an intervention. help me bloggers! fast, pray, lay hands on me (wait...y'all better not do that right now...LOL), do something!

i know it'll pass. this happens every few months or so. but it sucks, blows and bites in the meanwhile. i literally feel angry right now....

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so the day (thursday) spent with the nieces and nephews - 12 kids. count 'em. 12. that was the longest day of my life. i have never been so exhausted. i took them to the playground by myself and it was pure and utter mayhem. i look over and the fearless pint-sized 3-year old is at the top of the monkey bars, giving me a heart attack. this one wants me to push her on the swings, that one wants me to watch her hang upside, this one wants me to play ball with him. i now hate my name, i heard it called so much that day.

and the joke of the day from my parents and my bestfriend was "so...you still want 5 kids??"

ha.

they are awesome though. i love them so much. two of my nieces, the 4-yr. old and the 7-yr old, never left my side. when i sat down, they had to sit on my lap. when i left a room, they followed. when i sang a song or played something with one of them, they had to be next. they read me stories (well the 4 yr old just pointed to pictures and named them), they asked me all kinds of questions, they hugged and kissed me until my body and face hurt. i honestly haven't felt that loved in so long. i needed that. if i love kids that much that aren't even mine, i can't imagine how much i'll love someone who comes from me. wow. what an awesome thought.

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speaking of the love of kids, why don't grownups freely give love like that? we are so afraid to be that raw and vulnerable. when we love someone that much, we hold back. we don't want to look too eager, too pressed. we don't want to call him/her too much, don't want to appear desperate, we want to look nonchalant and cool (i'm speaking mostly about dating relationships). we're afraid to just love openly and say, i dig you so much and want to spend as much time with you as possible. instead we play games so we don't seem too interested, leave the other person guessing. don't return calls immediately so we feel like we have the upper hand. what is that about? adult people suck. kids are where it's at. they are so real.

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speaking of kids again, are there any men under the age of 35 who do NOT yet have kids?! sheesh. every single guy i meet has a kid already. and sorry but dragonflysoul doesn't date daddies. at least not in this stage of my life. i've done it and it's too complicated for me. give me a few years and i may have to change that standard, but as of right now, i'm keeping hope alive that at least one man out there has not yet prematurely procreated. i've already given this criteria to the Lord. He knows i'm not feeling it.

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do you know how long it's been since i have cooked a real meal? i have been living off of quick-fix meals and eating out for months. i've gotten so lazy. i don't know what happened. but the thought of cooking is very tiresome and unappealing right now.


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they raised the cost of my cat food. when i saw that price tag in PetSmart, do you know how i almost caused a scene?!? i'm talking, i wanted to kick shelves over and break glass setting all the animals free. this economy stuff is getting out of hand. everything is getting more high priced except my salary. i so need a side hustle. i'm about to be one of those people you see singing outside the metro stations. please drop some money in my bucket when you pass by