He watches over

it's so strange how one never really knows who lives near them or what's going on inside those homes you pass every day, windows illuminated with life on the inside.

last night, there was a police standoff/hostage-type situation in the apartment building across from mine. i drive by there everyday, glance at all the windows, see people walking in and out of every building, and never give things too much thought, never knowing what's happening on the other side of those brick walls.

when i got home yesterday evening around 7pm, yellow police tape was blocking off the entrance to my building, and all the surrounding buildings, parking lot and entrance streets. i couldn't even turn down my usual street, i had to come in a back way. and i couldn't park in front of my building because that entire section had been cordoned off by tape. there were cops everywhere, standing outside, cruisers parked on the lawns, parked in the middle of the streets.

after i found somewhere to park a little ways down from my building, i asked one of the cops what was happening and was i allowed to go inside my building. at first he told me no, i can't go home. then he said to run quickly and get inside, and stay away from all windows.

well, you don't have to tell me twice. Dragonfly literally took off running.

i didn't even ask why i was running - i've learned to be obedient first and ask questions later.

as i got to my building a guy was walking by and i quickly asked him what was happening - he said someone was shooting from the building across from mine. uh....ok. 'nuff said. i'm out.

so now i'm really scared and i run inside, grab up my babies in my arms and go into my bedroom. i called my friend who lives in the same complex to see if he knew what was up but he didn't. but he got updates later from his brother-in-law who is an officer in the area but wasn't on duty.

that's when i heard a cop knocking on all our apartment doors, telling everyone to stay inside the building, not to go out and not to go near any windows or patio doors. he wouldn't give details, just that they were handling an "incident".

after about an hour, i got up the nerve to creep outside my apartment into the vestibule and found some other curious neighbors out there. i asked what was going on and learned that a young man was holed up in his apartment with a gun or guns, had shot at the police who surrounded the place, and was continuing to threaten them. and it appeared as though his sister was inside with him. apparently all of this had been going on since about 4 pm yesterday afternoon. a SWAT team was present and in position.

i kept hearing the cops on a bullhorn telling the guy to "pick up the phone" - i guess they were calling his apartment to try to talk to him.

hours passed and nothing much seemed to be happening - spectators had gathered in various places outside, despite the police warning to stay inside, the streets were still barricaded, and no one was allowed in or out. finally, police ordered everyone outside to clear - i think the guy was threatening with his weapon again. the cops fired tear gas through a window of the apartment.

keep in mind, Dragonfly is observing all of this from a distance and learning bits and pieces from neighbors who seemed to think they were bulletproof standing all out in the open. but my mama ain't raise no fool - when guns are present, cops have been shot at, buildings are sectioned off, and cops are saying to stay inside and out of the line of fire, Dragonfly listens, takes note, and takes heed.

the farthest i got from my own front door was the door of the vestibule, which is metal and surrounded by brick walls. and that was only for about 60 seconds at a time. it was the only way i could stay abreast of what was going on because all my windows (which i was paranoid to walk past) face the back, so i couldn't see or hear anything that was going on (other than the loud cop bullhorn).

finally at about 11:15pm, i venture out to the vestibule door again to see my neighbors standing on the "porch" of the building - the situation was over. the guy had committed suicide in the apartment.

i felt like someone punched me in the gut. i don't even know the guy but this was someone who lived only a few hundred yards from me. i could have seen him on any given day. he has a mother and a sister who live with him - a sister who was present in the apartment to witness her own brother's death.

cops had busted into the apartment and were still everywhere on the grounds, but the police tape was being torn down. pictures were being taken of the scene, and murmurs of various and conflicting details were permeating the hot air.

i walked back into my apartment feeling so sad for that man, only 26 years old. he's my age. we were born the same year. we lived so close to each other i could see a bit into his window from the front of my building. and yet i never knew him. and i still don't know who he is. i don't know what happened to him yesterday, what happened to make him lose control. what happened to make him finally take his own life. now that his life here is over, what is happening to his soul?

and i can't help but feel hurt for his family, especially his sister who had to hear the horrific sounds of her brother's last moments. i wonder what she saw.

i wonder who she is.

when i left the house this morning, i glanced over at that window, now boarded up by police. i can't imagine the scene inside. knowing the tragedy that just occurred some 8 hours earlier, the bright morning sunshine just didn't seem appropriate. it felt weird to look at that boarded up window, my mind racing with imaginations of what was on the other side, my spirit feeling a sense of uneasiness and unrest, being so close to a spot where someone violently took his last breath. wondering what the air inside that apartment feels like and if the spirit of violence, death, grief and agony could be felt in there.

and yet i'm feeling so thankful, blessed, grateful and more in love with Jesus. my Lord has kept me safe from the violence that was so near to me, from the violence that is present in this world every where, every day. and all these 26 years, He has kept my mind safe from the traumas that could provoke me to want to take my own life, safe from the demons that whisper lies that life isn't worth living, safe from thoughts that at one point did try to convince me to take my own life, safe from the thoughts that tempted me to stand on the edge of suicide all those years ago.

but He kept me from falling over. He kept me from falling.

He kept me.