endless gratitude

i don't have much on my mind today. i'm sleepy, running solely on some good ole mexican fair-trade coffee and the grace of God, and highly annoyed by all the work i'm NOT doing, staring at me, mocking me.

so seeing as how i have nothing to really complain, vent or ponder, i decided to take this time to express my sincere thanks, gratitude, and love to you all.

life is beautiful, but it's also hard. everyday almost is a roller coaster with hills and valleys and unexpected turns. sometimes it seems as if nothing is ever level or totally calm. other than prayer (thank You Lord for that gift), this blog is my only outlet in which to pour out all the inner wonderment, frustration, accomplishments and failures, joys and laughter that i experience on a day to day basis.

the truth is, i have a few friends and associates, and lots of family. but i never feel 100% safe with any of them. i don't think it's all their doing (though some of it is) - i attribute most of it to my own insecurities and fears of vulnerability. i don't really have anyone that i trust enough to be totally myself with, the good, bad and ugly. it's hard for me to let them see my bad days, my bad sides, the days when i'm a jerk; the days when i cry; the days when i don't feel like praying; the days when i'm moody; the days when i'm a soft, delicate little thing; the days when i long to be kissed and held; the days when food is my enemy; the days when i feel like holding my breath until darkness comes; the days when i want to run away and never see any of them again; the days when i'm so overwhelmed by my love for them that i cry at the thought of losing them; the days when i can't stand any of them and turn my phones off for the whole day; the days when i'm anything less than strong.

it's not that the sides they see of me aren't real - they are. but i hide a lot. it's like being a Rubix cube - there are so many sides with so many colors. and everyone in my life only gets to see one side, one color at a time. i don't think any of them have ever seen me, really seen me, in totality. i wish i could show them.

but on here, in this blog, i am me. this is me. much like in my prayers, i am free. i talk about whatever is on my heart, whether it makes sense or not. i write about my weakness, my tears, my downs, my ups. i pour out my fears and doubts, my inadequacies, my strengths, my joys, my woes. sometimes what i write is serious, sometimes it's pointless, sometimes it's harsh, sometimes it's funny. i don't hold back (much) on here.

though none of you all have ever seen me, you are seeing me. though i'm still pretty much anonymous to you, you have learned more about me than people i've known my entire life.

i cannot express with human words how much that means to me. you all have your own lives, families, friends, joys and tears, stresses and worries, babies and jobs, laughter and pain. and that you take even a moment of your time to read about this girl, this woman, this child - i feel honored. "thank you" simply isn't enough.

when i tell you that i'm praying for you all, i hope you know that i mean that. i have called out each and every one of your names (even the ones whose birth names i don't know) to God. and not only do i feel honored that you take the time to wade in the murky waters of this life of mine, but i feel honored that you have allowed me into yours. i care about what goes on with you all. i enjoy laughing with you, worrying for you, praying for you, listening to you. i enjoy you. i appreciate you.

and though it really isn't enough, please allow me to simply say "thank you." thank you for listening, thank you for reading, thank you for praying, thank you for encouraging, thank you for pouring out your own hearts, thank you for living.

thank you :-)