weary

i'm having a very difficult conversation right now with my mother (on the phone). and i'm fighting back the tears that i know will spill over the minute we hang up. i'm so mentally exhausted that i've half-way checked out of the conversation, hence my typing this post.

we're talking about my relationship with my sister and the gap that is widening between us.
my mom has inadvertently become the middle-lady - my sis talks to her about feelings she's afraid to discuss with me. and i talk to my mom about feelings i'm afraid to discuss with my sister.

a recurring theme between my sister and i lately is that she feels she can't talk to me about certain aspects of her life. backtracking for a minute: my sister was (and now is again) in a not-so-functional relationship. and i witnessed a considerable amount of it when she and i lived together. constant turmoil. and i'm the kind of person that likes to tell it like it is. while i do consider myself sensitive and empathetic to other people's feelings and situations, i don't like to beat around anybody's bushes. i don't condemn, but i speak my mind. and when i've had enough, it shows. and when asked, i will tell you truth, whether you like it or not. i'd rather lose you to truth than win you with lies.

that being said, she asked for truth and i gave it. and now that she knows my viewpoint, and now that they're back together again, she feels afraid to discuss anything about their relationship with me, for fear that i'll judge her or dismiss her. that is far from the truth, and we've had that discussion before.

i've told her in plain and simple terms that i can't understand why she would want to remain in a relationship that isn't working and is never peaceful. but if that's her decision, that's her decision. do i always want to hear the drama? no. but am i always here for you because you're my sister? yes. and i love her, and i've made sure she knows that. i pray about it all the time because i know how i can be - when a certain topic gets on my nerves it's very hard for me to hide it. therefore my exasperation at the situation tends to show through. i don't really know how to suppress that.

but there's still this stigma attached to that relationship when it comes to she and i. so she keeps it separate from me, which bothers me. and that separation has trickled over into pretty much our entire relationship because she feels i'm generally unapproachable.

then of course, my guard goes up because i feel resentful of that notion. i'm not unapproachable. i don't beat around the bush, but i do try to be sensitive and non-judgmental. am i always successful? probably not. but i always try to make people understand that even if i don't agree with you, i love you. you can always talk to me about anything, great or small, and i'll listen. but don't always expect that you'll like my answers. i don't tell you what you want to hear, but need to hear. that's the only way i know how to love. i'm just not one to indulge in a lot of drama - life is hard enough all by itself, with its multitudes of things we can't change, without me keeping changeable drama in my life. and i figure: if you don't want to hear what i have to say, then don't ask me. i'll never call you stupid, i'll never tell you to shut up and leave me alone, but i will challenge you - mentally, spiritually, and any other-ally, to get you to see things from another perspective other than your own.

so here we are, at a stand-still because i feel resentful that she has labeled me as someone that can't be talked to. so there's this hurt at being misunderstood and misrepresented that i feel, which causes me to check out completely. feeling hurt is at the top of my list of things that i never want to feel. so pretty much how i deal with it is to check out and check in to my "happy place," aka, not deal with it. and she's at a point where she just doesn't talk to me about anything life-changing or "deep". that hurts me a lot.

so my mother is now (we hung up a while ago) challenging me to be the bigger person and initiate in-depth communication with my sister. to let her know that she can always talk to me (which i have, numerous times. if she still doesn't get it and still feels self-conscious about her relationship, what am i supposed to do??). my mother is reminding me that the Bible says that the strong are to bear the infirmities of the weak (i being the "strong, and my sister being the "weak"). my mother is also reminding me that my emotional "checking out" is noticeable and can be perceived negatively, and that if i want people to see me differently, then i need to change how i handle situations. yeah, i can see i get my "tell it like it is" gene from my mother.

i guess i'm feeling emotional right now, not because i'm having to deal with my own infirmities and demons and hearing hard-hitting truth about things that i need to change about myself, but what feels hurtful and tiring is the whole concept of me being the stronger one between the two of us (my sister and i) and having to bear the burden of being the "bigger person". my mother reminded me that "to whom much is given, much is required" and that i'll have to make the sacrifice to step out of my comfort zone and find some reconciliation in this matter.

my problems with that are: 1) i am the younger sister, by 3 years. how did I get stuck being the "stronger" one?

2) this is not to put myself on some pedestal, because i can't say it enough: i'm SO not perfect (as you can clearly see in this post alone). but you know? i really get tired of having to always be the bigger person. i get tired of having to take the first step. i get tired of having to step out of my beloved comfort zone. i get tired of having to make the sacrifice. i get tired, period.

when do i get to be the "weak one"? when do i get to have someone make the sacrifice of being vulnerable and stepping out of the safety of comfort and come to me? when do i get to have someone cater to my weaknesses instead of my always having to cater to theirs?

i'm sorry, i'm whining. but i'm frustrated as hell. i'm going home to cry and pray.