it's a big world out there for little ol' me

i was never one of those kids who just KNEW what she wanted to be when she grew up. some kids fantasize about beings docs, teachers, writers. and while many don't often grow up to be those things in particular, they still develop ideas as they get older about different things they'd want to do. i used to think all that stuff would be "cool" to be as an adult, but i never really saw myself as becoming anything. that's not to say that i felt i would never amount to anything at all, but simply that i had no idea what i would be. i couldn't visualize myself in any particular field.

and i still can't.

i got an e-newsletter from my alma mater, and it featured a profile of a young female scholar in her second year at the university (which puts her at all of 19 years old), who is working towards becoming a museum curator. i read that and thought, "wow...that's a pretty specific career goal."
and it made me feel some kinda way. at 19, i had no idea what i wanted to do. i'm now 26, quickly pushing up on 27 and i STILL have no idea why i was put here. and this 19 y.o already has her map laid out and a specific idea in mind as to what she wants, where she's going, and how she's going to get there. i was amazed. and impressed. and a little envious.

when i was in high school and applying for colleges, i had a strong interest in astronomy and planetary science. i even went to visit NASA to talk to people there and learn more about the field, what they do, what they study. i was fascinated by outer space and the mysteries of the universe. i was even thinking of combining a study of planetary science with meteorology - they're related fields and even though i was (and still am) deathly afraid of thunderstorms, i was still intrigued by weather patterns, the atmosphere, and all things of that nature. so that's how i ended up choosing to apply to the U. i didn't really want to go there originally because it was too close to home and i really wanted to go to school in North Carolina (7 hrs away). but the U had an excellent astronomy department and, seeing as how i really liked that stuff and was thinking about studying it, my mom encouraged me to apply there.

and that's where i ended up going. i still had no idea if i was going to major in astronomy or not. i mean, i really liked learning about and reading about space exploration and such, but did i want to make that a career? i didn't know. but i didn't have to declare a major until second semester of my second year, so i wasn't too worried. my first semester in school, i took an astronomy class and a planetary geology class, thinking it would be a great start to at least get some of the classes under my belt, should i ultimately decide to pursue this as a major. plus i really wanted to take the classes.

until i actually took the classes.

they sucked. and were extremely difficult. and pretty boring. and i quickly realized this interest in astronomy was just that - an interest. a hobby, if you will. but this was not going to be my major or career. hell, i figured i'd just buy a telescope and call it a day. but i was stuck in the classes and had to persevere. i did pretty well in them, learned more than i had ever cared to, and ended up enjoying SOME of it (especially going to the observatory and studying the constellations under the vast night sky - it was awesome!).

but that left me in quite the quandary, as i had no idea what i was going to do. astronomy was the only semblance of a plan i had. when that idea kicked the bucket, i was dumbfounded. come second semester of my second year (time flew by ridiculously and cruelly fast), i still had no clue what to declare as my major. the only thing i was enjoying by that point was foreign languages. i had been studying spanish since the third grade, had always LOVED it and excelled in it. and i was at that point studying german too. but i had never considered a major in foreign languages. what would i do with a foreign language major - teach? work for the government? i didn't know, but it was the only course of study i was truly enjoying and doing well in, so i went for it and declared spanish as my major, concentrating in spanish linguistics.

it was great! i loved all of my classes. they, too, were extremely difficult, but i enjoyed the challenges and learned so so much from them. and i have never regretted getting my degree in spanish.

but to this day i have no idea what to do with it. i always toy with the idea of teaching, but i just don't know if that's for me. teaching is an awesome commitment and responsibility, and takes a special individual to do it. not everyone is designed to teach. and kids deserve the absolute best. they NEED the absolute best. i'm not so sure that's me.

people always tell me i'd be a great teacher, and i love kids and have experience tutoring and working with kids, but to do it full time is a whole other story. people also say i could work for the CIA, the government, do foreign relations. but i don't see myself doing any of those things. not into politics in the least little bit, don't trust the government enough to work in any type of secret service, don't like the government enough to work in it full-time. i love the fact that i can speak another language and can communicate with a large cultural group all over the world. but maybe that's all that i'm going to end up doing with my language skills - meeting people and speaking their languages. maybe it wasn't meant to be the center of my career.

the only things in my life right now that i really enjoy and am really good at are speaking spanish (and learning portuguese), singing, and health/nutrition. but i don't know what to do with languages other than speak them and enjoy them; i love singing but definitely know i don't want a career in it; and i've taken several nutrition classes and love to learn about health, but do i want to make that a career? i've thought about it lately. but i just don't know...

i sometimes really envy people know who exactly what they're good at, what they want to do, and how to go about doing it. i know i'm good at some things, but don't really feel like i'm that great at anything. and the only thing i know i want to do with my life at this point is be a wife and a mother. as far as careers go...bah. i'd really like to wake up every morning with purpose and do something that was fulfilling and that changes other people's lives; to enjoy toting off to work every day; to come home and share all of the day's glories and challenges. to learn, to help, to touch a life in some way. but i have no idea where i fit in in this world. i know God has given me some gifts - we all have them. but i don't quite know what all of mine are, nor how to use them. yet.

sometimes that's ok with me. sometimes i'm content with not knowing and just trusting that God certainly will reveal my purpose in His time (Lord knows i've asked Him about it enough). other times, it makes me feel inadequate, like people look at me as a 26 y.o. who doesn't know who she is. people like to see you have a definition, a path, a goal, an ambition. mine are all kinda a blur. and when i spend hours slaving away at a job i can't stand, it really makes me frustrated and anxious to know where i'm really supposed to be and what i'm supposed to be doing.

i also fully understand that my God-ordained purpose may have nothing to do with an earthly career. and that's just great with me too - i'd just like to know what it is so i can be doing it.

i pray the answer comes soon. i know i must have something awesome to share with this world. and it has to be more than just sitting behind this desk every day.

it just has to.