bound by mediocrity

i am the queen of not following through. with anything. no matter what i do, i start out gung ho and then i lose my commitment, my fire. i don't know what it is about me that can't stay focused on what's important. what is it that makes my passions only momentary? as a result, i don't feel good/great at anything. this spirit of giving up is poisonous and it seems to have infected me totally, making everything i do mediocre. and i hate mediocrity. if you're gonna be mediocre, why waste your time doing it at all, right?

right now, i'm still heavy in this semi-depression, largely due to this very problem. this issue of not committing and following through has infested almost every part of my life, but the part that i feel the worst about not doing all that i should in, is my relationship with God. there are days, weeks, months, when i am so 'on fire' for God - when He's all i think about, i pray all throughout the day, i study His Word faithfully and try to find ways to apply it to my life. as a result, in those "on" times, i feel so close to Jesus. I hear Him, I see Him, i FEEL Him. and even when i have bad days, i still feel His peace and presence.

then it seems as if it only takes one thing, one distraction, one occurrence, to snatch it all away. one day passes and i haven't prayed once. another day passes and i'm so consumed by my life, emotions, tasks, that i've barely thought about God the whole day. another day passes and i haven't touched my Bible. before i know it, weeks have gone by, my peace is gone, i feel agitated, empty, broken and lonely for God. but by then i'm so far into my distance from Him that i feel like i can't climb out.

and i hate it.

that's where i am today. i know it's a tactic of the enemy to toss distractions (thoughts, happenings, people) into your path to take your mind off of God: the devil doesn't want you to think about God nor to have a relationship with Him. He wants to separate you from God. with God is power, is joy, is peace. the enemy is anti-God, anti-peace, anti-joy. the Bible says he comes only to kill, steal and destroy. i am sad and ashamed to say that lately, i have allowed him to slowly destroy my spiritual life.

thankfully, i've still been going to church regularly and have not faltered at all on that. it's the ONE strand of sanity i feel like i have left these days. but my prayers have been few, and my studying of the Bible has been even less than that. and i feel the effects. i miss God. i know HE hasn't pulled away, HE hasn't gone anywhere. He's still there, calling me every day (i still hear Him). but i'm the one who has put distance between us. i've allowed my life and the issues of my life to create this big bubble, and that bubble pushes me further and further away from my God. what i should be doing, in times like these, is drawing nearer to God, pouring out my confusions, my pain, my supplications, my everything. that's what He desires. but instead i forfeit my peace by pulling away from Him in times when it seems as if the walls are closing in on me.

my prayer is that Jesus will lift me back up again. i miss our relationship, our closeness, our talks. i miss my peace. i'm tired of this heaviness. see, when i'm holding up my end of the relationship with Him, He makes even my rainy days to be sunny. but when i lay it down, when i drop the ball, my rainy days drown me. right now i'm drowning, feeling in despair because of my surroundings, and feeling even more in despair because i've let down my God. He is the one part of my life that i should NEVER half-step or be mediocre in. He deserves my all, my total commitment and dedication simply because He's God. and He has never forsaken me. He sacrificed His only begotten Son for me. the very least i can do is sacrifice myself for Him.

Lord, lift my chains and pull me out of this place. there's no me without You.