just lettin it flow...

today has been a good day - i'm in a cheery mood, for whatever reason, even though i woke up late and had to rush out of the house, my mouth is still a bit sore from the surgery, and my feet hurt in these shoes today. but on the bright side, traffic was light so i still made it to work in good time, every day i'm healing a little more and am able to eat more things, and my feet may be a little hurty but my toenails look cute :-) all in all, it's a good day.

speaking of sore mouths and eating...maaaaan, i can't wait until i'm completely healed (after my wisdom teeth extractions). up until tuesday, i had been living on yogurt and baby food, with the occasional sweet potato, because my mouth was in too much pain to eat anything really solid. after the oral surgeon gave me some topical pain relief on tuesday, i have now upgraded to eating fruits (only soft ones) and a small sandwich yesterday. yay!!!! i have to eat with really really small bites (took me like 30 mins to eat that little sandwich, lol) and be careful because of the stitches and such, but i'm making progress and at least i'm not in agony anymore. thank you Jesus!! it was pretty bad - i have never experienced pain like that ever in my LIFE. i'm am so anti-medicine and i never take meds when i'm sick (have a fear of putting chemicals in my body like that). but let me tell you...the pain was so bad that i was poppin pills left and right like a friggin junkie.

i miss food so much. i can't wait until i'm totally healed and can eat regularly again. i'm gonna have the biggest most delicious meal when i can eat real food again. at least the swelling is pretty much gone though. that's good news.

i realized i'm addicted to Law & Order, namely Law & Order: SVU and CI. i watch them every single day, and whenever there's a marathon on (which is almost every day on some channel), i HAVE to watch them. nothing better than laying back in your pjs and watching hours on top of hours of Law & Order. (i really have no life)

i'm turning 26 one month from tomorrow and it's creeping me out. on the flip side, as much as i'm dreading the new age, i really want to do something special (like travel) to celebrate it. don't think i can afford it though. we'll see.

i'm exploring the possibility of at-home births or a birthing center, leaning more towards the birthing center idea, with a midwife or doula for whenever i have a babe. i really don't think i want to do a regular hospital birth. and i'm going to try to do it naturally (but judging from the way i handled the aftermath of the wisdom teeth surgery, i'm not so sure i can handle natural childbirth).

trudging through the healing process of this wisdom teeth jazz has really given me a newfound respect and compassion for people who suffer from chronic illness and pain. not that i never had compassion before, but i tell you my compassion level has now shot up 90 points. now don't get me wrong - i'm not comparing wisdom teeth surgery to major surgery recovery or terminal illness or anything. but i was in a LOT of pain and it really made me emotional. i cried a lot, and it was hard to keep my spirits up, even though i KNEW it was just temporary and i would heal eventually. i couldn't go to work, i couldn't eat, even drinking water was painful. so i can't even imagine how someone copes with life-threatening and/or severe physical pains and illnesses that endure for really long periods of time, sometimes for a lifetime. i can't imagine. God is THE only one that can give them the will and drive to push through it every day. wow...

i hate being asked out by guys - i have no idea how i'm ever going to get married. i literally dread when a guy approaches me because i just never know the outcome. i loathe dating - especially since i always meet guys who aren't good matches for me. whenever i meet a guy and he asks me out, i go through the agonizing mental process of trying to decide whether or not to even call him (usually i just don't). IF i do feel interested enough to call, i dread the initial conversation because i worry about what we'll talk about, is he interesting, will he find me interesting, what if i don't like him, what if he doesn't like me, what if what if what if....then if i agree to go on a date, i dread the date because i worry about whether we'll hit it off in person, is he crazy and will follow me home and stalk me, has he murdered anyone, do i look ok in this outfit, will we have fun with each other...will i, do i, does he...ugh. then if i don't feel a connection or if i just don't like him, i have to figure out a way to tell him to leave me alone - usually by just changing my phone number, LOL. i wish the Lord would just put a man in front of me with a sign that says "THIS IS YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND". then i could skip all the preliminaries. but that would be too easy, right? and in Lava's life, things just don't come that easy.

there's this swampy area near where i live, really murky water and dead trees all over the place. but somehow, these amazingly beautiful, colorful flowers grow throughout the swampiness. it's such a contrast to see these gorgeous tall pink flowers blooming amidst dead trees, broken limbs, muddy water. every time i pass that area, i smile. it's such an awesome sight and it's symbolic of life in that, even in dirty, murky waters, there can be found life. even when the surroundings seem decayed and dying and unpleasant, something colorful and bright and beautiful can grow and thrive. there is a blessing and an opportunity to grow somewhere, even in darkness and emptiness. God is awesome.

i wonder how many people from my past remember me or ever think of me. i daydream a lot. a LOT. i mean, A LOT. i can get lost in my thoughts anywhere at any time, usually when i should be paying attention or doing something constructive. but oftentimes, while lost in thought, my mind wanders and i remember old friends, coworkers, classmates, boyfriends, acquaintances - people that i haven't seen or spoken to in YEARS, some i haven't seen since elementary school. yet i remember their faces, their names, their voices, memories and conversations we shared. and i wonder if any of them remember me.

i am always cold, always. i could have just come from sweating it up in sweltering 96 degree heat, pure humidity (as is a trademark of DC), yet after two minutes inside with some air conditioning, i'm cranking a heater at 80 degrees under my desk at work. it's amazing to me. who blasts a heater in the dead middle of summer in july?? my body is so strange.

maybe it's cuz my iron is low, which i didn't know until i tried to donate blood TWICE at the Red Cross and got rejected TWICE because they said my blood was iron deficient. i've been trying to eat lots of iron fortified foods (well, not lately since i can barely chew), and i just got some irom supplements, but i don't know if it's working. i guess i'll know when i make my next donation appointment. third time's the charm.

i bought some books the other day and it was quite exciting. i hadn't bought new books in months. i had forgotten how much i love even just being in a bookstore, surrounded by hundreds of books on any topic you can think of. there's such an energy - i guess it's all the knowledge all packed into one space. and if i leave with a paperback or hardback treasure of my own, i'm thrilled! i have to do that more often. see, the simple things in life are what really do it for me.

children brighten my day. no matter how bad a day i'm having, a nice kid can say something or hug me and just melt all the crud of the day away. kids are awesome...unless they're bad, mean and rowdy. then they must get away from me. i want 5 kids of my own someday. i always wonder what in the world 5 kids raised by me (and hubby) will be like. they're probably going to be very gifted little weirdos :-)

i have successfully killed (wasted) these last few moments of time. time to go home! :-)

paz y amor.