breathe...just breathe

warning: this post will have no real process, rhyme, reason. i'm just exhaling.

yesterday it rained...hard. all day long, literally. i was in heaven :-) (i'm one of the few people i know who doesn't complain about the rain, unless i have some outdoor activity planned. rainy days are so serene and make me feel close to God for some reason. it's just so awe-inspiring to see millions of droplets falling from so far above. it's quite beautiful to watch).

today is rainy too...i can't wait to go home and get in my pj's. rainy days always make me feel nostalgic - although i don't know what i feel nostalgic about. alls i wanna do though is lay in my bed, in my pjs, with the windows open so i can smell, see, and hear the rain, and watch black and white Alfred Hitchcock movies all the livelong day :-)

i cried during most of my lunch hour today, tucked away in the empty office over there. i cried and prayed, prayed and cried, until i drifted off to sleep. i woke up without a tear left to shed. thankfully i woke up in time - would've been pretty embarassing if i'd gone into a deep sleep and someone came looking for me, only to find me knocked out in a dark office. ha.

i guess the tears were those of frustration due to sadness, and sadness due to frustration. it's hitting me hard that in less than 4 months, i'll be 26 years old. 4 years away from 30. and i still have no idea where this life of mine is going. i used to not worry so much about that kind of stuff and always told myself, "hey...you'll figure it out...just live your life." but that was years ago. i can't believe that i'm knocking on 30's door already. time is going by so fast. and all the unanswered questions of yesteryear are still...unanswered. which brings me to my frustration.

frustrated that everyone i know seems to have it all figured out. they've all known what their passion in life was since they were in grade school. so with each year they've built their lives toward that goal. and all are either there already or are pretty darned close. they all have something they are terribly good at, masters of a craft, an art, a skill. i'm the only one who is still wandering aimlessly, still trying to find my niche. a little bit good at this, a little bit good at that, but not really great at anything, choking and drowning in my own sea of blah average-ness. i was never one of those kids who just knew that she wanted to be a doctor, or a painter, or dancer, or an astronaut, or a teacher when she grew up. and even though most children with some ideal career in mind don't grow up to be that exact person, they somehow figured it out along the way and are comfortably settling into their own as we speak.

not this chick typing this blog. the only thing i've always known i wanted to be was a mother, and that hasn't even happened yet. i'd spend countless hours as a child coddling my "babies" (dolls), feeding them, diapering them, dressing them, brushing their hair, and "taking them to work" with me, which consisted of me getting dressed up and sitting on the couch in the living room with my baby wrapped in a blanket, as i waited for the bus (the bus stop was the couch). hmmm...i wonder what job i imagined i was going to?

everytime i think about how the months just keep flying by, and how i feel like i JUST turned (and complained about turning) 25, and now i'm about to be 26 already, i feel like i could throw up. and all these feelings of not knowing what i'm doing, where i'm going, and each day that i have to come back to this awful dead-end job, where i feel completely invisible, overworked and underpaid, i feel just a tad more inadequate. and my feelings of inadequacy lead to sadness. and my sadness leads to frustration, and my frustration leads me to sobbing like a fool in an empty office in the middle of the work day.

i pray and i pray, because no matter how lost i feel, i KNOW, without a hint of a doubt, that God hears me. knowing He's there is the only thing keeping me alive most days. sometimes i just wonder when He's going to get tired of my whining and just answer me already.

well what do ya know...this post ended up having a point after all.

i am reminded of this verse, which blesses my soul. thank you, Holy Spirit, for reminding me of these things when i need them most.


2 Timothy 4

7 I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:

8 Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.


amen.