she's baaa-ack

my good old friend Insomnia has come back to visit me again. i hope she doesn't stay long. last night she kept me awake until 5am. had me taking showers at 4:30am, trying to make her leave...but she's persistent and won't depart until she's ready, until she's released.

i'm not quite sure who or what invited her this time. sometimes i discover that i'm stressed out and never even knew it. does that make sense? it's like, sometimes there's so much on my mind that is worrying me and burdening my heart, that i think my mental defense mechanisms swallow them all and stuff them somewhere deep in the back crevices of my mind, so much to the point that i don't even know they're there anymore. so while on the surface, i feel like i'm cool and in control and nothing's on my mind, my subconscious knows better because, unlike me, it doesn't forget. not quite sure what to do about that. i'm not senile, so i know if i sit here and let my mind wander, it will quickly run over every little detail that is weighing somewhere in and on me. but i can't do that right now. i don't have the energy and even thinking about thinking about all of that is quickening my breathing.

don't take this as me whining or complaining. i'm not, just simply making an observation. and i am observing that once again, i'm choosing avoidance instead of confronting and then dealing. i just get tired of thinking all the time, making decisions, etc. it's exhausting. so for right now, i'm gonna sit this one out.

but for my eyes' sake (don't want dark circles and bags), and my organs' sake (cuz the lack of sleep has me downing coffee like crazy), i hope Insomnia packs her bags and leaves me soon.