the dilemma pt.1

i'm beginning to wonder if it's me...maybe it's just me. maybe there's something really wrong with me. or maybe that's just life...

last week, a good friend of mine sent me an email asking what i was doing for Valentine's day, because he wanted to do something nice for me for that day. so i immediately got a little curious because he and i are just friends and he has never shown any romantic interest in me. so his saying he wanted to "do something nice" for me for valentine's day really sparked my curiosity. but then i just brushed it off, thinking ok, we're friends, he knows i don't have a man and will probably spend the "holiday" alone and sad (lol) so he just wants to do something to cheer me up.

then yesterday, he calls me and says he needs to talk to me about something important. he then proceeds to say, "ok, i'm just going to come right out and say it, lay it all on the table...i'm feeling you."

i was blown away because he has NEVER given me any sign that he was interested in me that way. so this all came out of nowhere for me. but even though i was shocked (and nervous/uncomfortable) i couldn't help but feel so flattered because he said that i was "a complete woman"...in other words, i was everything he was looking for. so now i'm faced with this situation that i don't know how to handle at all. he and i have a great friendship that i'm so blessed to have. we talk sometimes for 4 or 5 hours on the phone about everything, from God to the Bible to relationships, to our pasts, to everything. we're so much alike in so many ways and have gone through so many similar experiences in our lives. and i love that about our friendship because he understands my past mistakes and never judges me or looks down on me for things i've done in my life, mainly because he's done them all as well. but he's not that same person anymore and knows that i'm very different from who used to be too. and that's so refreshing to me. it's hard to find people who can relate to me in that way, who can say 'hey, you know that was wrong, right? you shouldn't do that, but i understand where you're coming from, i've been there too" but not in a judgemental way, just in a concerned, loving way.

i love our friendship because i can be open about anything, right or wrong, and he understands even if he doesn't condone whatever it is. he tells me when i'm wrong, and we don't agree on everything, but he never makes me feel belittled or like a disappointment or something, and that means a lot to me. so we have a great friendship, BUT i'm not attracted to him in a romantic way. i've never looked at him that way. he has a lot of great qualities - he's a Christian and is serious about growing in his relationship with God, he makes me laugh, he's fun and energetic, he's generous and supportive, he loves animals and children and wants both some day. but what i like most about him is that he's HUMAN. by that i mean that he's completely real...he admits his faults, mistakes and flaws and doesn't try to front like he's perfect. He acknowledges sin and wrong-doing and takes responsibility for it and tries every day to be a better and obedient person to God. but even in the midst of all of that, he allows himself to just be human, and he embraces the human/flawed/imperfect sides of other people too. and i love that about him. in so many ways, this guy would be perfect for me!

but even given all that....i don't feel attracted to him that way. i just feel like "WOW, i have a great friend that i hope will always be in my life and we have so much in common!" but at this point, i don't feel any lovey, romantic feelings for him. and now that he has expressed his interest in me, i'm afraid at what will happen to our friendship if his feelings for me are not reciprocated. i don't know how to handle this.

but what's bothering me more than that is that i'm wondering WHY i'm not attracted to him...what is wrong with me?? he's a great guy, but i don't feel any romantic chemistry with him. all those feelings you feel when you meet someone you're interested in and you develop a 'crush' on, i don't feel any of those for him. i'll try to keep an open heart and mind about this, but i don't know if i'll ever see anything happening between us. *sigh*