the dating game (the dilemma pt. 2)

i'm sitting here reflecting on my social life from the past few months, and i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever meet someone that i feel the same way about at the same time, and who i can actually be with.

for the last few years, i was on a dating hiatus...that is, i wasn't just dating anyone for the sake of dating and getting to know guys. if i was going to spend time with someone, go out with someone, it would only be a guy that i felt was worth my getting to know, someone that had qualities that i like in a guy. if i met a guy that i could tell right up front or after a few phone conversations that i would never get involved with for whatever reason, then i didn't bother even having a first date with him because i'm finished with casual dating...i'm holding out for something real.

so in the last six months i've finally started to meet some guys with pretty good potential. but so far, i haven't really connected emotionally with any of them...except one.

for instance, there's K...this brotha would be considered a great catch in a lot of ways. we have some things common, we graduated from the same university. and to be just 27 years old, he is very well-established, drives a very very nice car, has a great, well-paying job, owns a home (side note: material things and money really don't mean much to me at all, but i'm just stating the facts..i couldn't care less whether he drove a luxury car or a lemon, as long as it wasn't stolen and it runs well enough so that we don't break down on the highway...)... and is very intelligent and well-travelled. he's attractive and he generously takes me places to show me a good time - dinner at nice restaurants, drinks, the theater... and even though i think he was trying to get some action from me a couple of times (which of course he never got), and even after i made it clear it wasn't going to happen, he still calls and emails and invites me to go out with him. sounds great right? so how come when we're out and when we talk, yeah i have "fun" and we share some laughs, but i don't feel connected to him at all? i don't feel those butterfly feelings that come with really liking someone and connecting with someone. i don't feel all excited and jittery at the thought of him or when i'm going to see him. i don't feel anything...and if he never called me again, i wouldn't feel any sense of loss.

then there was R...he was cute, had a great job...that was about it...what a boring waste of time.

then there's my guy friend who just revealed his interest in me (see 'the dilemma' pt. 1). great guy all around, huge kind heart, fun to be around, passion for Christ and for life, a lot in common, thinks the world of me...but i'm not attracted to him. love spending friendship-y time with him, but i don't feel any romantic feelings at all.

then there's A...just met him...great guy, makes me laugh, passionate about Christ and his walk with God, intelligent, cultured, artistic, very attractive...but i'm not sure how i feel...i'm being patient because we literally just met and haven't been out or anything, but i don't know if this is going to go anywhere. i'm getting the feeling he's not really into me.

then there was M....aaah, M. *sigh* he was the ONE guy that i've met in the past 6 months that i could really really really give my heart to. we connected in a wonderful way. i felt tons of butterflies with him. whenever he called or i saw his name in my email inbox, my stomach flip-flopped and i felt nervous and excited. whenever we'd go out, it was wonderful - our conversation flowed flawlessly, he loved to just listen to me talk. we'd stay on the phone sometimes until 2 or 3 am, talking about everything, even though we both had to get up early for work. sometimes he'd sit and just stare at me and smile. he brought flowers to my job at least once every 2 weeks, just because he wanted to see me smile. he was affectionate and attentive, we made each other laugh, he adored me and complimented me and wanted to see me all the time. but he has 3 kids...and as much as i'd love to be with him, i just can't deal with that for so many reasons. when he first told me he had kids, i was so mad at him and tried to stop talking to him. but he kept pursuing me, and i let myself get sucked back into whatever it was that we had (can't really call it a relationship). but i finally had to break ties with him completely because i could feel myself growing deeper feelings for him and i could see his feelings for me too, and i didn't want either one of us to continue on a dead-end path, ending up with all this emotion and nowhere to put it. because of his 'family' situation, i can't ever be with him long-term. i know myself, and i could never marry a guy who has 3 kids from previous relationships. it's too hard and too much involved, and i can't deal with that. so i had to let it go. and it hurt a lot because i had finally met someone that made me feel wonderful and that i loved to be around...and i can't be with him. i still miss him.

so now i'm wondering if it will always be like this. i meet a guy i'd love to be with, but i can't compromise myself and where i stand on very important issues just to be in a relationship. i meet nice guys who are good to me and could be good for me, but i don't connect with them on that level. what gives???