choosing and being chosen

though this hurts me to talk about, i figured what better place to lay it on the table than here in the blog. what have i got to lose? that's pretty much my attitude these days.

anyway, i was recently told, in so many words, that i am not the standard of beauty. to clarify, i was told that the preference of this particular person was light-skinned women with long hair (translation: pretty much that exotic, bi-racial, eurocentric look).

my heart tore into pieces and sank into my stomach.

i guess it hurt so much because though i've never been a beauty queen, nor have i ever striven to be, i don't think i've ever really heard anyone basically say to my face that my kinda look is not their preference - that these other women who fit that description are.

of course, they tried to clean it up by saying that that didn't mean that i wasn't attractive, but just that "we all have preferences" and his preference was women who look like that.

that probably shouldn't have bothered me so much but it did. it bothered me to the point of tears. and i guess it hurt so much because you never want to hear someone tell you that you're not the "preferred" of anything. whether it's based on your physical attributes, your talents, your personality or whatever, to hear someone tell you that the way you are isn't their "preference"...well, it hurts big time, no matter who it is saying it to you.

it hurts to not feel chosen. it hurts to look at yourself and know that who you are isn't good enough for some people. it hurts to feel second place to something or someone you'll never be.

so last night, i was driving home, exhausted after a long, annoying day and i started praying. driving is a great time to spend with the Lord. it's not my "preferred" (haha, i have to throw in a joke just to survive sometimes) way of getting close to God because there are too many distractions when driving and it's sometimes hard to focus. i prefer to pray when i'm still, alone in my room, blocking out everything else. it's in those moments when i can usually most feel the presence of God. but whenever the spirit of praying comes upon me while driving, working or anywhere else, i'm learning to take advantage of it because who knows if i'll have another moment to get alone in my room to pray. i may not make it home. i may not make it through the day. so if i feel led to pray wherever i am, whatever i'm doing, i need to pray.

but i digress...

so i was driving home alone last night and began praying. and i was thinking about that whole "preferential type of beauty" thing and how much it hurt.

and i began to think about how often i do that very thing to God.

so often, i choose everyone else and everything else before i choose God. sure, i run to Him when others aren't there for me, when they hurt or disappoint me, when things aren't going well and i feel all i have left to turn to is God. but how often do i run to Him just as eagerly and with just as much devotion and dedication when all the pieces are in place?

when my friends and family are being their best, loving me, supporting me, giving me good times, and everything seems to be going so well, i tend to forget about God. i don't pray as often, i don't read the Word as often, i don't choose Him first because, well...everyone else is there. everyone else is occupying my thoughts and time.

when things are sunny and bright and all my relationships are blossoming, i treat God as if He's not my "preference," as if i'd rather spend all my time with all these other people and things instead of Him.

but the minute one of them turns away from me, or isn't there for me when i need them, or hurts or upsets me, or when other things seem to be falling apart, THAT'S when i give God my full attention; THAT'S when i cling to Him the tightest; THAT'S when He's on my mind constantly and i block out everyone and everything else.

when i'm hurting, that's when i choose Him. that's when He's my preference - when no one else is there for me.

how messed up is that?

and if it hurt my heart that much to hear another human all but say that i'm not the "preferred," how much more does it hurt the heart of God when i prefer the company of others before i prefer being in His presence? after all He's done for me - most importantly sacrificing the life of His precious, blameless Son to save my filthy soul - i still struggle with putting Him first. at this point in my life, and with all that i've been through, and all that He's brought me through, how in the world is it STILL a battle to put God first?

and with all the heartache and disappointment that people have brought me throughout my entire life, how can i still put so much of my preference and energy into them instead of the One true Lover of my soul?

God is not to be my second choice. He's not there to comfort me and pick up the pieces only when everyone else is not around. even in the times when i'm surrounded by warmth, love and happiness of humans, God is still to be my chosen One. He's still to be my preference. i need to run to Him and cling to Him during the abundant times just as urgently as i do during the lonely times.

sad thing is, i don't.

and He brought that to my attention loud and clear last night. while i'm so grateful that He spoke to me and shone His light on that part of me so that i may change it, it hurt me so badly to really see that i act like that.

so today, I'm making a new effort to rededicate my life to choosing God first in all things, at all times. no matter who loves me or who doesn't, no matter how sunny or how rainy my days, no matter how plentiful or measly my harvest, i will choose God. He is my preference. He is not my second choice. He is THE standard of all things beautiful.

He is my number One.