The Announcement (Opening the Curtain)

drumroll, please!

*rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat* (that's my impression of a drumroll, so hush!)

i have a very important announcement to make, ladies and gents!

i, yours truly, Señorita DragonflySoul, am pregnant!!

that's right...i'm gonna be a Dragonfly Mama!! :-D

now, i know once you've regained consciousness, returned the chair you have just fallen out of back to its upright position at your computer, stopped foaming at the mouth, and all that jazz, you'll probably have some questions running through your mind. (i know i'm being dramatic and perhaps most of you won't even care, but hey - it's a huge deal to me!)

aforementioned burning questions probably look something like this:

1) ummm.....when did she get married?!?!
2) isn't she supposed to be a Christian?? as if!
3) doesn't she know sex before and outside of marriage is a sin???
4) is she insane?
5) doesn't she know that children are supposed to come AFTER marriage?
6) is she insane?!

in this and all coming blogs, i will do my best to be as transparent as possible and to answer as many questions as possible. after all, i started this blog, therefore letting folks into my life to a degree. and this pregnancy is a huge part of my life. and i'm going to share as much as possible with you all for several reasons:

*i am super excited (most days) about having this baby, and i'm going to get on your nerves talking about it.
*i believe that sharing my story can and will help someone, anyone, out there and that is partly why i started this blog in the first place
*i believe part of the Christian experience involves exposing our sins and shortcomings so that we are held further accountable, and so that others can learn about the saving, forgiving Savior that we worship.

so in answer to the 6 burning questions above, here goes:

1) i am not married, still as single as ever.
2) yes, i am a Christian - i still love the Lord Jesus Christ, and my pregnancy has not changed that.
3) yes, i do know that sex before and outside of marriage is a sin - a serious sin. and boy did i sin! and like ALL sins, sexual sin has its consequences. my consequence was an unplanned pregnancy. i thank God - it could be worse.
4) um...i'll answer that one later
5) yes, God ordained sex to be a unifying, bonding experience between a husband and wife, no matter what the world thinks, says and does on a regular basis. and it is through that marital union that children are to be brought forth. God created order, and when we do things out of order, we reap consequences. furthermore, children deserve to be raised in a loving, two-parent home, with daily attention, affection and guidance from a mommy and daddy. out-of-order behavior can take that away from them. i admittedly have done things out of order and will have to live with what comes as a result.
6) ok...sometimes i'm insane. but not about this!


*****

so basically here's what happened, in a big nutshell:

a guy and i have been friends for a few years. just friends. recently (year or so ago) we started to hang out much more, one on one, whereas previously most of our interaction was in group settings or with a mutual friend.

the more we spent time alone together, the more our attraction for each other grew (an attraction that had always been there for me, but that i never expressed, thinking we'd never be anything more than friends). after some displays of affection (kissing, etc.) we discussed that we should probably refrain from such affections with each other, so as not to start something that we may not even be ready for, or that may ruin our friendship. it was hard but we maintained, continuing to see each other as "just friends".

you should take note that BOTH of us are imperfect, saved by grace, Christ-followers, who do our best to follow God's word in every part of our lives (but who, obviously, still mess up and sin sometimes). BOTH of us were celibate (not virgins, but had chosen to further abstain from sex until marriage), and had been celibate for several years.

we talked about our abstinence, and why it was so important in our walks with God. we discussed our physical and sexual attraction to each other, and declared that we should set boundaries in our interactions so that we can be accountable to each other and not end up in sin.

well, one night, we crossed all kinds of boundaries, and were literally tempted all night: tempted, battled the temptation, talked about the temptation, felt tempted again, decided we should part ways for the night, no one left because we didn't really want to leave each other, talked some more, calmed down, chilled out for awhile, temptations flared again. that vicious cycle repeated for hours and hours.

after hours of battling our flesh, the wise thing to do would have been for us to part ways for the night. you CANNOT put yourself in tempting situations like that and just trust your flesh to be strong. your flesh will deceive you every. single. time.

and eventually, we got tired of the fight and we gave in.

for days afterward, i cried and repented, repented and cried, blocked myself off from the world, cried and prayed, prayed and cried. years of being "good" and not giving into the sin of fornication were gone in one moment. and not only had i sinned, but i had caused my brother in Christ, whom i care for deeply, to sin also. it is our responsibility to look out for fellow walkers in our faith, to not be stumbling blocks for them, to not lead them into sin. and here he was, celibate just like me, battling temptations all the time but committed to his relationship with Christ. and in one night, we both caused each other to fall.

that devastated me.

two weeks later, i found out i was pregnant.

the devastation doubled.

one night, ONE night (that's all it takes, folks) of being disobedient has changed my entire life, and his, forever.

but you know what? after all the tears, all the heartache and moments of panic and terror, after all the praying and agonizing repentance, after all the hardest conversations of my LIFE with my family, i am finally accepting the joy of the matter:

that i have a life growing inside of me. that i am going to be a Mommy. that i AM a Mommy!

yes, i sinned. yes, i fell short. but who hasn't? i don't take my sin lightly - and the consequences have been heavy and scary and are far from over. but i refuse to beat myself up for life because of my sin. i am choosing to rejoice instead.

it's hard some days because my ideal picture-perfect life i had always dreamed of seems to have shattered. my friend and i are still close, and care a lot for each other, but we don't know what God has planned for us as far as a relationship or possible marriage goes. we're not rushing anything, but waiting for God to speak. it's all so backwards because now we're having this baby together. and some days, i cry and cry, feeling so alone, so scared, so uncertain of how any of this is going to turn out. it's not easy AT ALL. and many days, my heart aches in fear and loneliness.

but the word of my God declares to me that "ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28)

so, not just the good things in life work together for good, but even my sins (which, when i confess them, God is just and faithful to forgive each and every one) work together for good. so somehow, out of all of this turmoil, God is going to bring goodness and is going to get so much glory. sometimes i admit that it's hard to believe because my human limitations won't allow me to see beyond this place that i'm in right now. but that's where my faith picks up the slack. His word does not and cannot lie. it cannot fail.

God promised to never leave nor forsake me. and His word promises that if we do sin, we have an Advocate (Christ). so i know that though i hurt Him with my sin, that He has heard my confessions, He has heard my repentant heart, and He is still by my (and my baby's) side. :-)

that's just the kind of God we serve.

i know i'll have to face stares and presumptions from Christians and non-Christians alike. people will see my growing belly and absence of a wedding ring and make all kinds of assumptions about my faith, my heart, my life and my lifestyle. and i will try my best not to be proud, indignant nor combative, but to humbly accept that some opposition may come my way because of the nature of my situation.

but if God is for me, who can be against me? :-)

i know that my sin is no different from the sins of everyone else. they have different names, different manifestations, different outcomes. but sin (verbal, physical, or mental) is sin.

and now, i'm moving past the guilt, past the shame and sadness of what i've done, and the magnitude of this pregnancy, and now accept that God has entrusted me with a precious GIFT growing deep inside of me.

not only that, but i have SEEN God's mercy in all of this. you will never know how terrified i was to tell my family about my pregnancy, especially my parents. and yes, they admonished me in that wonderful way that parents are supposed to. but they have accepted me and this baby, loved all over me, supported me, shown nothing but love and concern for me. though they certainly don't condone what i've done, they understand that we all fall short sometimes.

i have truly understood what unconditional love really means. that no matter how badly someone you love messes up, that you don't cast them aside. you don't turn your heart away from them. you embrace them and love them anyway and don't hold their sin against them.

though i'm certainly not a child or a teenager and am a 27 year old educated and financially independent woman who lives on her own and provides for herself, i still was terrified to face my parents. that's what i expected them to do. i expected them to leave me, to hate me, to yell at me and not talk to me anymore, to lose respect for me. i expected the worst, but God gave me their BEST. exceedingly abundantly more than what i ever dreamed.

THAT, amigos, is how God loves His children. and that is the love He is showing me through those closest to me. everyone may not truly be in my corner (and i know the ones who aren't), but God has blessed me with some awesome angels. i don't deserve any of this mercy or favor. i don't deserve any of this kindness or love. but i'm so grateful to have it.

now that the initial storm is over (though the seas have not calmed by any means), i can begin to focus on the joy that is brimming within me.

i refuse to walk around hanging my head down wearing an "I Sinned and Now I Am an Unwed Mother" t-shirt.

i will lift my hands and praise God that I Am A Mommy! :-D

i am not a statistic. i am not broken. i am a child of the most high God. and in my womb floats a miracle that only the God of the universe could sculpt so perfectly and so beautifully.

as of this week, i am 12 weeks pregnant, and my little soybean (as i have affectionately named him or her), is growing every day. my first trimester is coming to an end in a few days.

i still can't believe how fast time is flying. and i still can't believe all this is happening to me.

nothing about my future with my friend or this baby is certain. but what i do know is that i certainly love him or her already. i thank God for this little one every single chance i get, all throughout the day.

so....i fell, and i fell HARD. but i got back up. or rather, He lifted me back up.

and when i got up, He blessed me with a baby to carry with me along the way.

i will praise Him in my joys and in my sorrows. i will praise Him in my wrongs and in my rights. i will praise Him when He rebukes me and when He comforts me.

i will bless the Lord at all times.