i'm not apologizing

i'm not really sorry that i'm self-focused right now. i have every right to be. i love those i love no less. but my plate is overwhelmingly full right now. my whole life is changing. my whole life has already changed.

on any given day, at any given moment, i laugh, i sing... then i collapse in woeful tears.

i'm confident, i'm full of hope and faith....then i'm borderline panicky, barely able to catch my breath and wondering how in the world i'm going to pull any of this off.

i'm praying, i'm meditating on God's word...then i hide from Him, run from Him because i feel i have nothing left to give and He's not even listening anyway.

i have decisions to make and not a great idea of where to start. time is moving fast. my heart is full of things i've never before felt.

so no, i don't have the strength to do too much else right now. and i'm not apologizing for that. my very life right now depends on my being self-centered for a time. i can't be everyone's everyone. right now, i have to just be me and do the little i can do each day to get out of bed and take each uncertain step, face each uncertain moment...and do it pretty much alone.

and i'm not apologizing. there's too much on my shoulders right now and i can't afford to be a house divided. i don't have the strength to be everyone else's strength. nor do i have the desire right now. it's not out of malice, not out of selfishness, not out of any ill intentions. it's just out of survival. my survival. our survival. and that's most important to me - self-centered or not.

people don't seem to get that. and they don't have to.

i'm also not apologizing for anything and everything that's going on. i've done my repenting and received my forgiveness. i've accepted that i've disappointed. i've accepted that i've messed up. i've accepted that i've hurt others. but that door has been closed and now i'm moving on. i'm not living in regret and shame any longer. i'm moving forward and i suggest others do the same.

people can be awfully self-righteous when they're on the outside looking in, unaware that were it not for the grace of God, my shoes could very well be their shoes.

i can say that because i've been one of those outside in-lookers with a mouthful of my own ungodly opinions before. thank God for His grace all these years. and i'm thanking Him for His grace now. because despite the circumstances, there is grace. and i'm grateful.

people talk a lot about what should've been done, what shouldn't have happened, what could've or would've. but bottom line - we have all fallen short. we have all sinned. we have all walked in darkness and were it not for the mercy of our God, we have all had the potential to destroy our lives with our choices. it's funny how sinners like to judge the sins and mistakes of others. it's funny how even those who don't even know Christ can be awfully indignant and self-righteous when it comes to the failures, sins or mistakes of others. for having no relationship with Christ, i wonder where that sense of "i wouldn't...why did she...how could she...i can't believe she...how stupid she is..." comes from?

it's funny how shacking, habitual fornicators think their lifestyle is ok, but will look down upon an unwed mother because she got pregnant - as if that could never happen to them. it's funny how a club hopper who regularly gets drunk for sheer entertainment purposes will look upon a crack addict with contempt - as if one addiction is more prestigious than another. it's funny how someone can have multiple sexual partners in their lifetime, but will scoff at and be disgusted by someone who has contracted HIV or some other disease - as if it could never happen to them. my how we like to think our own sins are cool as long as they're not "thooose" sins...

before turning up a nose at someone else's consequences, it would be wise to look at your own choices and realize that their circumstances could very well have been your own, and thank God for His grace over you. and have mercy and compassion on those who, for whatever reason, were allowed to reap what they've sown.

the unrighteous have more self-righteousness than the ones made righteous by the blood of Christ.

then again, some church people ain't all that great either. ha.

i think about all the things i've done in my lifetime. downright sinful, messed up, destructive things dating back to a very young age. i'm amazed and what God didn't allow to happen to me. but i'm not arrogant enough to think He never could have. i'm not arrogant enough to think that just because i escaped certain death doesn't mean that my actions weren't still deplorable and my consequences could have been far greater. and that knowledge makes my heart bleed with compassion for those who have to suffer painful consequences of some of the same sins i've committed, yet, though undeserving, was spared. and it makes me that much more grateful for God's uncanny, unfathomable, and sometimes seemingly unfair, grace.

even now.

so i'm not apologizing anymore. don't even ask me to.