the confessional

"bless me Father, for I have sinned..."

that's what i used to have to say when i knelt down in that dark, cold, mildewy confessional, heart pounding in my chest, nervously peering at a stranger through a screen and wondering why in the world i'm confessing my sins to this man i barely know. wondering how a priest could ever make my sins or their residuals go away. wondering if he recognized my voice in that box and would look at me differently next time i saw him in Mass, after i told him all my business.

well, some of my business because i never ever told all the really juicy sins. i would tell him the "baby" sins - about how i lied to my mom, how i said something mean to my sister, blah blah blah. but i kept all the secrets about me and the boys in my class to myself. truth was, i wasn't all that ashamed of those sins. sin was kinda fun back then, back when i just thought i was being rebellious. and you know... popular.

thank God for Jesus and for leaving the catholic church many years ago. forget a confessional, now i can kneel (or sit or stand) and confess my sins straight to my Lord in heaven, the only One who has to power to absolve (forgive and cleanse) my sins.

can i tell you how much i need absolution right now?

and can i tell you how sin is not fun. it wrenches my heart and shackles me into night after night of sobbing into my pillow.

how much would you judge me if i confessed my sins to you?