God watches out for fools and babies...

...and i darn sure ain't no baby.

last night i got a text message that reads:

"Last few days I can't stop thinking about you..."

...but it wasn't from the one i really want to be saying that to me. the one that i myself can't stop thinking about. nope, it wasn't him.

scrolling to the end of the text message and seeing the phone number of the sender brought such a sting of disappointment. and slight annoyance, wondering why he's bothering me again. he's been silent for weeks....blissful silence. leave me alone already.

it wasn't who i wanted it to be.

the one i want to tell me he can't stop thinking about me is...well, i don't know where he is. but i know he's not here with me. and i doubt he's thinking of me.

and loneliness makes you do stupid things.

i should have deleted that text and kept it moving. i should have ignored him. we haven't spoken or seen each other in months and i'd like to keep it that way. he's not someone i need around me. and he hurt me.

but loneliness makes you do stupid things.

so i replied. and it turned into a marathon of text conversation....which ended in us making plans to see each other the next night (tonight).

*sigh*

every part of me screamed "don't do it dragonfly....don't do it!!!! you know this will have no happy ending. you've been freed from his bondage - remain free."

but my loneliness and aggravation that the text wasn't from the one i really want to be thinking of me, caused me to settle for the one who actually was thinking of me, and who had the guts to say it.

i didn't want to hear he was thinking of me - i surely haven't been thinking of him. but my lonely heart was seduced by his words, pacified by the knowledge that at least someone can't stop thinking of me. even if it's not the someone i want.

so we made plans to see each other.

i drove home last night intoxicated with anger. angry with the one who was thinking of me, and even angrier at the one who wasn't. angry at myself for letting my loneliness for one person drive me to settle for shenanigans of another.

angry at the one who sent me the text, because i don't want or need his thoughts of me and he is everything that i DON'T... want. angry at myself for even considering what i was considering. furious at the one i DO want, because he doesn't want me....and he's everything that i want. angry at the one who sent me the text because he's not "him." angry at "him" because he's not here.

angry at myself for still wanting what i can't have. angry that i can't let this go. angry that he's so beautiful. angry that i'm angry.

intoxicated.

and it's all his fault.

it's HIS fault that i'm settling for someone else. it's HIS fault that i'm entertaining letting this fool into my life all over again just for the sake of having someone's arms around me. it's HIS fault because if he were here...there would be no room for anyone else. and i wouldn't care who else was thinking of me.

when i pulled up in front of my building last night, i was struck by how dark the parking lot was. i could barely see. then i noticed that the eerie darkness was because there were no lights on anywhere - there had a been a power failure. my building, the surrounding buildings and all of the street lamps were silent and dark.

i'm petrified of the dark.

i stood in the doorway of the vestibule, refusing to enter because i couldn't even see my front door through the pitch black darkness. i remembered the flashlight in my car and ran to get it.

the batteries were dead. of course they were. i cursed at myself for forgetting to replace the batteries that i knew had died months ago. procrastination once again bit me in the behind.

so back to standing in the doorway of the vestibule, paralyzed by my fear of darkness, remembering how a lady was murdered in the hallway of the building across from mine just a few short months ago. my heart sped, and i could feel my body growing hot even though it was bitterly cold and the wind was blowing like crazy. i just stood there, terrified of what opportunistic demon was lurking in the darkness of my building, and blinded by the absence of light. there wasn't even moonlight to assist me - the night sky was overcast.

i just stood there in the cold, inwardly grieving over not knowing what to do, being mere yards away from the sanctuary of my apartment, but being too afraid to trek through the darkness to get there. i stood there, sad at having no where else to go, pitying myself for having no one to call, having no one's arms to comfort me, having no one's home to run to, to escape the darkness.

then two angels ascended the stairs from the first floor. no, not two heavenly angels, but two of my downstairs neighbors - who, in that moment of panic and terror were two of the most beautiful people i had ever seen, simply because they were there with me.

they were using the lights from their cell phones to guide them. angels have technology. why didn't i think of that?

they asked if i was ok, and i whimpered a "yes....but i can't see to get to my door..."

the angels moved past me and headed for their car. i couldn't believe they were leaving me at a time like this - where's the humanity?

but as they opened their car door, one of the angels called out to me, "do you have candles inside?"

i replied, "yes...but i can't see to get to my door...and i don't want to go inside..."

i heard one of the angels say to the other angel in a sympathetic voice, "aww....she's scared."

but they didn't come to me. so thinking they were about to drive away and i'd once again be all alone, i took a deep breath and went inside. the darkness swirled around me as the vestibule door slammed behind me.

why didn't i just ask them to come with me?? why do i have such a problem asking for help?? why am i so stupid...??

using the light of my cell phone as a guide, key in hand, i ran the several yards to my door. and just as i fumbled the first key into the top lock, i could hear the whistling of the wind as the vestibule door reopened - my angels had come back for me!!!!! they called out, "where are you? are you ok?"

"i'm down here!" i replied, waving the light of my phone around to beckon them.

"do you want us to walk with you inside and wait for you to light some candles so you can see?"

"YES!!" i practically cried. but i didn't want to start crying, though i felt like it in my relief.

so the two ladies walked me inside. i warned them that i have two cats, just in case they were ailurophobic. the bigger angel declared that she loved cats. cat people are always the coolest.

they walked me further into my apartment, and i grabbed several candles from the living room and began to light them. the amber glow filled the room and calmed my spirit. i thanked my angels, who then asked my name, and we all introduced ourselves. i thanked them some more, and then they left me all alone in my amber-hued darkness. and cold. no power means no heat. darn.

i carried my winter berry scented candle around the apartment, making sure everything was okay and went to check on my parakeets. they were sleeping - they like the darkness. lucky birds. after i fed my cats and told them how grateful i was to have them there with me (yeah i talk to them...so what?) because they make me feel less alone, i sat down on the floor of the living room, holding the candle in my lap and wondering how long my power was going to be out.

i decided to go get my Bible from my bedroom, still feeling uneasy and needing to connect with my Best Friend, my God. and i thought, "how romantic to read my Bible by candlelight!" i brought my Bible back into the living room and retook my position on the floor. but i hadn't even opened the pages when my mind returned to the frustrations that had afflicted me earlier - the text message, the looming date, the one thinking of me, the one not thinking of me. all this power failure business had distracted me.

as i sat on the floor, a new wave of uneasiness swept over me - this time not due to the darkness. the candlelight was soothing, and i was enjoying the scents of berries and lavender.

no, this time the uneasiness was about this date i had made plans for just 2 hours earlier. what was i thinking? this guy was not good to me, nor was he good for me. i'm feeling lonely but not that lonely. do i really want to reopen this door? do i really want to let this fool back in, when he probably should have never been there in the first place? do i really want to travel back down a road that the Lord had already blocked? do i really want to risk him hurting me again just to feel like i'm not so alone? do i ever learn a lesson without repeating the same mistakes over and over?

i looked down at my Bible. the Lord was already speaking to me before i had even opened His Word. i felt down, but not tearful. frustrated, but not desperate. lonely but not overwhelmed. and i felt His presence there in my amber darkness, letting me know that i don't have to make the same mistakes over and over. letting me know that when i'm lonely, i can hide myself in Him, letting me know that He is my help - just as He had sent those two angelic ladies to my aid to guide me through the darkness.

Others may not be there for you, but I will never leave you nor forsake you. I'M here.

i smiled in the darkness and thanked Him, as i picked up my phone and began to type out a text canceling the date that should have never even been planned in the first place; canceling a mistake before it was made; closing a door before it was even reopened, and letting someone know that i cannot be moved.

and at that moment, i promise you, the lights in my apartment came back on and the whirring of the reawakened heater filled my place with the sounds of warmth and comfort.

"YAY!!!!" i literally cheered out loud.

i blew out my candles, thanked my Best Friend again for the angels who rescued me in the dark, for bringing me back to my senses and canceling the date, for comforting and keeping me in my loneliness, and for bringing the power back on at that precise moment, restoring not only my ability to see in my apartment, but restoring my ability to SEE. He kept this fool (me) from being foolish.

had my lights not been out last night, and had i not had those 30 minutes to sit alone in the candlelit darkness, alone with my thoughts, surrounded by silence, alone with the voice of the Lord, what would have happened?

sometimes darkness and silence are the only ways to see and hear God.