reason #120,843,695,358...

....as to why i can't stand human beings (except for the ones i can, in fact, stand - and love):

today's reason: people refuse to keep it real.

so let me spill a gut or two...can i? thanks. 'preciate that.

so recently i started casually seeing a guy - no one i felt would be anyone long-term or a permanent fixture in my life. but we clicked, had some commonalities, lots o' laughs, dumb stuff like that.

i knew from the beginning we were not spiritually compatible but hey, i figured, i'm not trying to marry the guy...he's just someone to have some good times with, we can keep each other company, blah zee blah zay. (mistake numero uno on my part).

there was way more of an attraction on his part than on mine, but again, hey, he was someone to kick it with. i made it clear that, though i was aware of his attraction to me, i wasn't interested in beginning a relationship. (mistake number 2 on my part)

as time went on, my loneliness got the best of me and on two occasions our "kicking it" as friends got a bit touchy-feely. thank the Lord Jesus for keeping me from going overboard and diving deep into the pool of carnal sin and totally messing up my celibacy vow. but truth be told, dragonfly got a bit carried away. no sex...but still, carried away. and though i didn't "give in," i know our Father is not pleased with dancing on the line. (mistake numbers 2-16 on my part).

so after lots of prayer and repentance, i had a talk with this guy. told him that my relationship with Christ means more to me than anything, and messing that up is not an option. willfully sinning is not an option. tiptoeing to the edge of sin is not an option. i apologized to him for my actions knowing full well that when i sin, i drag others into it - it's not just about me. i also expressed an absolute desire that none of that ever take place ever again. so if that means we have to modify our hang out dates, then so be it. but i know that the flesh is weak and if i keep playing with fire, i'll surely get burned. besides, i don't want to give him the impression that i'm willing to go further because i'm not.

his response: "ok." [and insert lots of crickets here.]

no "hey, i understand. i'm sorry you feel so bad. though i may not feel the way you do about things, i respect where you're coming from." just..."ok." (mistake number 17 on my part - expecting understanding from someone who has no relationship with Christ).

since then, we have barely spoken. and i have expressed my dissatisfaction about that.

why do people insist on trying to play me like i was born yesterday? i've been around the block and back a few times, my dears. i know people. i know people's ways. i can discern when people change. when dude went from texting/IMing/calling every day, several times a day to barely reaching out, i'm not stupid nor blind. the change in communication is noticeable.

his reply: he doesn't know what i'm talking about. he's not being any different. i'm trippin.

ok, sir. what and ever.

before i explicitly told him that nothing sexual will ever take place between us and before i explicitly told him that the inappropriate touchy-ness we had dabbled in on those two occasions were not going to be repeated and that i regretted that that happened, he was all into ms. dragonfly. when the mystery of the unknown was still there. when he probably hoped, expected and plotted to one day get some, he was all "trying to get to know" me and blowing up my phone with texts and calls.

after that notion got shut down (in a nice, non-judgmental, rather apologetic, but very direct and clear way), he's been relatively silent and MIA. yet he's really over here trying to convince me that it's all in my head. that it's MY perception. that's he's fine, he's chillin. he's beeng "working a lot lately."

again sir. what and EVER.

can i tell you how much i want to, in a very unholy way, tell him the exact manner he can get outta here with that bull?

for me, it's all good. let's be honest, this wasn't going anywhere real from the beginning. so i'm not mourning his sudden absence. however, i cannot have respect for someone who just won't be honest and real with me. just say, "look dragonfly, YOU may be all about this Jesus/church/celibate whatnot, but I'M not...i'm a man and i have needs. since you say we can never get down, i think i'm going to step back from you."

i mean, if he said that, i may kick him in the neck once or twice but at least i'd have respect for his blatant honesty. but please don't tell me that it's all in my head, nothing has changed, you're fine, we're cool, when you haven't even reached out to me in days, which is a total aberration of what you used to be. and when i do reach out to him, his replies are rather lukewarm and one-wordy.

now, i know...why expect righteous behavior from the unrighteous? why am i surprised? that's what i get for even trying to be "friends." that's what i get for letting my loneliness dictate who i hang out with. that's what i get and i wear all these mistakes upon my shoulders and take full responsibility. know that my lesson has been learned, yet again.

i knew the day i committed myself to being celibate (been such a long time...seriously Lord...see what i go through for YOU?!?!? i love You. :-D) i knew that men i may encounter in this world would not be thrilled about that. heck, I'M not thrilled about it!! it's not easy for me either, but i do it because i've committed my life to being a living sacrifice to God. and that means all of me, even the parts of me that are hard to sacrifice. (and man is it hard...man oh man, it's rough. rough. ROUGH i tell you. but i'm cool though, for real. lol)

so i'm not expecting that every guy i meet jump up and down and shout to the Lord when i tell him that there's a no-sex clause when dating me. but i really would like it if guys would grow some...um...courage, and just be real and honest with me about how they feel about it. not feign being cool and then start ignoring me and telling me i'm trippin.

{rule of thumb: when i tell you (this goes for men and women) how i feel about something and your response is simply that i'm "trippin," be prepared for an earful. i cannot stand when people try to invalidate or dismiss my feelings. it's a great way to see a not-so-beautiful side of me emerge like a beast from a cocoon. i don't really have a temper at all and i'm not one to ever "flip out" over things. but that right there is surely one way to test the beast hidden within me}.

being celibate really sucks sometimes. it hurts to be rejected when all you're doing is being obedient. but i know that the God i serve is not the same "god" those of the world serve. i just have to accept that, suck it up and move on.

encouragement to all the other celibates and virgins out there struggling with acceptance issues because you're not "giving it up": people SUCK and will make you feel like you're wrong for doing what is right in the eyes of God.

but what you do for the Lord is everlasting. and He is faithful to reward those who honor and obey Him. so keep being obedient even when people SUCK and can't see just how fabulous you are.

did i mention that people suck? they do.

they really do.