what's up

i don't know why i'm blogging. don't really feel like it but i am. maybe i'm just feeling like relieving you all from having to keep staring at that Friar guy all the time. so what's up? how are you all?

i'm another year older. the birthday was wednesday the 20th. i'm old. reallly old.

had a pretty cool birthday - could have been better, could have been worse. had some fun, took some days off work, spent some time with some folks. had some laughs, had some vegan cake - one solicited, one unsolicited. the unsolicited one touched me so much. i hung out with a guy friend at his place and out of nowhere he comes out of the kitchen with two little vegan cupcakes lit with bday candles singing me happy birthday. i didn't even know he had done that! i almost cried.

i've only even known him for a short time. but he had the mindset to go out and find somewhere that carries vegan cake and got me some cupcakes. AND put candles in them. that's awesome. i will never ever forget that.

is it petty to have been upset that a friend didn't call to wish me happy bday until that evening? i felt like the day was half over....why wait so late? i make it a point to call people early in the day/morning on their bdays. seems like the right thing to do. after 7pm just seems like whatever...i'm just saying....

i realized something about myself. i expect too much from people.

the day that i finally learn that people will not always do what i think they should do will be the best day of my life. and i need to learn that people don't always think the way i think - maybe sometimes that's a bad thing, maybe sometimes it's a good thing, maybe sometimes it's neutral. i get my feelings hurt too easily. i think it's because i really try to go out of my way to make a big deal over people, especially on their special days like birthdays or something. people need to be fussed over sometimes. i just wonder why it seems hardly anyone ever goes out of their way to make a big deal over me? is it vain to want that sometimes?

you know who always always fusses over me? my mommy. and as old as i am, i still love it. she makes me feel so loved. i'm very blessed to have such a mother. i have not always felt that way about her. when i was growing up, we had quite a tumultuous relationship. i was an awful awful teenager. i am so thankful to God that she is so loving, nurturing and attentive. that she has forgiven and forgotten the terror i used to be. and that we really are the best of friends. i will never be too old to lay in my mommy's arms. and she will never think i'm too old to make a fuss about me :-)

anyway, things with me are cool i guess. life changes in the works - exciting and nerve-wracking and discouraging and thrilling and tiresome and worrisome and joyful and hopeful all at the same time. mum's the word though.

some days have been waay waaay up and some days have been waaay waaay down. but i'm alive. when i stop to really think what that means - to be alive - i feel overwhelmed with gratefulness. yesterday morning, i woke up early and sat on my balcony in my robe. it was warm and the sky was uncannily clear but for a few tufts of clouds. and i couldn't get over how sweet and summery the air smelled. i obsessively took deep breaths because i adored the smell of a summer morning. it was so quiet - no one was outside except for a mother quietly pushing a child in a stroller. i sat there with my Bible, read a few passages and just quieted my spirit with the Lord. and i knew He was there because the tears came - no one can make me spontaneously cry for no reason at all but the Holy Spirit. it's amazing. i wasn't sad, i wasn't anything. but the minute His presence fills my space, i always cry.

sadly i haven't had too many moments like that lately. been feeling a little numb, not really caring about much. sometimes it's easier to feel numb than to feel the spectrum of emotions one experiences on any given day. and in addition to that, i have had a lot to repent for of late. anyone who thinks that all Christians are self-righteous and never do wrong should come walk with me sometimes. i am a sinner. i've done and said some stuff lately i'm not very proud of. but one thing i love about my relationship with Christ is that when i'm wrong, He lets me know it. it is a dangerous place to be in when you're so blind to sin that you don't feel anything you do is wrong. i love being convicted. it reaffirms that though i'm a sinner, the Lord is still holding my hand. and after conviction comes repentance. and after repentance comes forgiveness. and i love being forgiven.

it hurts me that so many people in my life think nothing of their sins. there can be no forgiveness without recognition and repentance.

and let me tell you, i don't even remember the last time i set foot in a gym or pool. i think i've gained like 5 lbs. i just haven't had the energy or the care.

lately i have also experienced the true joy of praying for others. that's not to say that i've only started praying for others lately. but what is different is that lately, i find myself praying only for others, or at least mostly for others and not much for myself (except for the repentant/begging for forgiveness prayers - been doing a lot of those lately). part of that numbness with things in my own life lately is that i haven't wanted to pray much for myself or things happening in my life. for awhile, i lost a little hope. *can you have faith without hope? hmmmm* it's like, i still love Jesus, i'm still holding onto His hand and i trust that He is still in control, but i got tired of praying for things (though the Bible says to pray without ceasing) that weren't changing. so i just gave up praying for some things. not the best attitude to have, eh?

but the good part of that is that i've been focusing most of my prayers on others. i figured that if my prayers weren't changing my own circumstances, the least i could do is work darn hard to try to help someone else's circumstances change through prayer. there is something beautiful that happens inside when i put all of my energy and tears into praying for the burdens of others. probably because i don't feel like i do much for people these days. i use to do all sorts of volunteer work. when did my life become so focused around me? i need to get out there and use my hands in someone else's life.

i'm still praying for you guys too.

this blog was all over the place. hope it made some sense.