in Gethsemane

there is no glory without suffering. the whole point to serving Christ is the crown we are after that we will receive when we meet Him in glory. we are running a race and only those who finish to the end will receive the crown. it's part of our inheritance.

however, in order to be heirs, we must first suffer. Romans 8:17 says if we are joint heirs with Christ, we suffer WITH Him. it's not one of those "feel good" Scriptures, but it's hard-hitting truth. Jesus had to first suffer (and die) in order to get to where He is now: which is alive and well, and seated at the right hand of the Father. Jesus had to first die before He could be resurrected. Jesus had to experience grief, suffering, agony and pain before He could experience the richness of reigning forever in Heaven.

likewise, those of us who follow Christ must suffer before we experience glory. the good news about that is that the Bible says we suffer WITH Christ. He not only suffered when He was crucified, but the living Jesus continues to suffer WITH us today. we are not alone in our suffering.

in order for me, for us, to heal from the emotional scars and residual damage from past pain, we must first understand that suffering is a part of our journey towards our inheritance in Heaven. there can be no glory without suffering. and even the Son of God suffered and suffers still.

the Bible also says that the servant will never be greater than the master.

well Jesus is our Master, and we are His servants. so how then can we expect to never suffer if our Master has suffered? we're not greater than Him. The Greatest One agonized, cried, mourned, grieved, suffered, bled, and wept. we, too, will suffer all the same in this lifetime. pain is a part of our soul's journey.

with that acknowledgement that suffering is a REQUIREMENT, not an option, comes the freedom to then grieve because of our suffering.

so i'm allowing myself to grieve. deep, painful, undignified, unpretentious, unyielding, mourning. grief over my losses, my disappointments, my anger, those who have hurt me, those whom I have hurt, my dreams deferred, my unanswered prayers, my confusions, my unmet desires, my unanswered questions, my frustrations, my regrets, my remorse, my sins, my failures. i'm not going to just sugar coat my pain by saying that God has a plan for my life and i just have to trust in His will. i'm not going to gloss over my agony by saying that God is with me where i go. i'm not going to just press forward and rejoice. i'm going to dive right into my pain, my grief, my scars and my bitterness.

i'm going down the list of everything i can possibly think of, things that i don't even want to remember, and i'm allowing myself a time to grieve. i'm calling out to God every grievance i have, every name of every person who has scarred me, every thing i've done that i'm still ashamed of, everything i don't understand about God and why i'm angry at Him for allowing things to happen to me, every sin i wish i could forget, every sin i hope i never repeat, every sin i have repeated over and over, everything i've begged for and have found no answer to, no relief from.

you know who was the ultimate griever? David. read Psalms - David was an expert on grief. in his psalms, he told God all about his pain, his sin, his anguish, his regret, his sorrow. Psalm 6: 6-7 reads: "i am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears. Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies."

one thing i love about David is that he was so raw and real with his emotions. when others rose up against David and hurt him, he didn't pray that God would give him the strength to love them anyway and forgive them. he didn't pray that God would help him have grace and mercy on those who did him wrong, who plotted against him, who caused him pain. you know what David prayed?

he prayed for God to take them out. LOL. David didn't hold anything back. Read through Psalms 35 and 58 - David prayed God would break their teeth, that God would let him wash his feet in their blood; he prayed that God would take their lives, would beat them down because of what they had done to him. and God allowed it into the Scriptures for a reason. perhaps to show us that we're not horrible people when we think those things. of course we can't allow those things to consume us, to cause us to go out and kill someone ourselves or to inflict pain upon others. but those are things that any normal person has thought on any given occasion. David not only felt that way about his enemies, but he expressed those hateful thoughts to God. and God said David was a man after His own heart. He loved David tremendously.

i know on many occasions i have had those thoughts that i've chastised myself for having.

some people in my life have hurt me so badly that i wished i had never met them. i wished they would die. my life would be so much easier if they were not alive because their very existence causes me grief and agony. i've hated to see evildoers experience joy. i've felt bitter and angry when good things happen to people who have inflicted pain upon me, because they don't deserve to even smile. i've wished God would strip them of every blessing, every good thing, every joy in their lives because of what they've done. that's what David was doing - crying out to God the raw thoughts he felt about those who hurt him.

instead of trying to sound so holy and saved and pray that God gives me grace to deal with my enemies and causers of my pain, i'm allowing myself to let God know that sometimes i hate that person. sometimes i wish they had never stepped into my life. the earth would be much better without them here. and i'm not going to scold myself nor apologize for thinking that way. i'm not going to suppress it.

i'm going to pour out every hateful emotion and thought pent up in my heart that i feel i'm too Christian to think. because God can take it. i can tell Him just how unholy and wicked my thoughts are and He won't change how He feels about me.

i'm resting in Gethsemane. Gethsemane was the garden where Jesus wept and wept the night before His crucifixion. Jesus is God - so Jesus knew His death was eminent. He knew there was no escaping. He knew it was His Father's commandment for His life. it was necessary and there was no getting around it. He had the power to come down off that cross and end His suffering, but He didn't. He had the power to stop it before it started, but He didn't - He endured it because it was His Father's will for Him to die for the sins of the world. He was being sacrificed.

but before He was hung on the cross, Jesus wept. He asked God to let that fate pass from Him. He grieved thinking about the pain and suffering that was coming in just a matter of hours. He grieved knowing that even though He had to suffer and be beaten, whipped, spat on, humiliated, tortured, mocked, stabbed and hung on a cross to die, that so many would STILL reject Him and refuse to acknowledge what He did for their ungrateful selves.

Gethsemane was where Jesus allowed Himself to grieve over His pain, His sorrow, His fear, His sadness, His agony, His scars.

Gethsemane is where i will also grieve over mine. this is the first step to healing.