"Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me." ~ Psalm 27:10
why is it that even when the Lord provides other resources to make up for what we lack, we still hurt for that which we lack?
last night, as in many other parts of the country, this area was hit with severe thunderstorms, torrential rains, and some tornadoes were spotted in certain areas of MD. thankfully, i and everyone i know are ok. though storms scare me to death, i wasn't worried about this one until my mother and stepfather kept calling me, telling me to stay put and to listen (notice i wrote "listen" and not "watch" - i couldn't "watch" anything because surprise, surprise, my fantastic Comcast cable was out) to the weather reports because of the tornado warnings. their urgency was what got me worried - they usually take things in stride. so on the rare occasions that they actually express deep concern or worry, i take notice.
i love the fact that even though i'm almost 27 years old, my mother still calls me every day to make sure i'm ok. and last night during the storms, she called me several times and couldn't reach me, and was worried about me. when i called her home, my stepdad answered and immediately asked me "where are you??" i could hear the love and concern pouring from his tone. i felt loved.
my grandma called to check on me, i called my sister to find out if she was home, safe and dry, and i checked on my friend.
through all of that, do you know who i never heard from? my father.
even though i was deeply hurt and annoyed (i honestly don't know why...you'd think i'd have learned by now...), i sucked it up and called HIM to make sure HE was ok. where was he, you ask?
standing in the rain at the stadium for the past 2 hours waiting for the Washington Nationals baseball game to begin.
ok, so for most of the day, it's storming, it's raining buckets, there are tornado watches all over the area - and instead of at least faking concern for your daughter, you're waiting in the rain for a stupid delayed baseball game to begin. just chillin. in the rain. and lightning. for baseball. (since when is he even a baseball fan???)
i am officially stripping him of his title.
i was really hurt by that. here my stepfather is, whom i have only known for roughly 8 years, calling me, worried about my safety and security. and my own father who helped conceive me couldn't care less - he'd rather be at a baseball game in the rain like an idiot.
the Lord blessed me with a God-fearing, Christ-loving stepdad that i love very much. so why is it that the detachment of my father still leaves a wound in my heart? my stepfather takes care of me in ways my father never has. he hugs me, he knows me, he asks about my days and my life, about guys i date, about my ambitions, he drives all the way to my place to fix things, to help with stuff, he works on my car when it needs it, and he never complains.
my own father? pssh...the deepest information that he probably knows about me are my favorite colors. and that's because everyone knows my favorite colors. and if i even ask him to do anything for me or help me with something, he gripes, complains and usually finds a reason that he doesn't have the time.
why do i care for someone who cares nothing for me? why did i feel a need to call him and check on him last night, when he doesn't care enough to do that for his own daughter?
i live completely alone. my sister lives 35-40 mins away from me; my mother and stepfather live 45mins -1hr away from me. and my father, who only lives maybe 20-25 mins away doesn't care about me. i'm all alone.
after i hung up with him, i wanted to throw the phone at the wall. i wanted to yell and cry, but i refused to give him the satisfaction of my tears and the annoyance of having to buy a new phone.
i don't understand how a man can father children, daughters especially, and have no affection, care, or concern for their well-being. when i called him last night, that was the first time i'd talked to him in weeks. i could be dead or in the hospital and how would he know it? he doesn't care enough to ever pick up a phone and call me. the last time we spoke it was because i called him, as usual.
the only reason i bother, the ONLY reason i even attempt to maintain a relationship with him is because of God. had i not accountability to my Heavenly Father, that man would never hear my voice again. i still feel the conviction to "honor [my] mother and father..." so i can't in good conscience cut off ties with him. i know the Lord wants me to be better than that, to show him the unconditional love that Christ shows us - i know He's putting that desire in me to at least maintain half a line of communication, even if that half a line is charred, frayed, and getting shorter by the minute. plus, my mother, as sweet as she is, constantly gets on me about making sure i call him. ugh.
i can honestly say that i don't like that man. i believe i love him in a basic human way - like, if he passed away, i'm sure i'd be emotional. but i think if he were to leave this earth, most of my grief would be for the condition of his soul, not because of any affection for him. but i cannot stand the person that he is. i have tried and tried to do it God's way, to be a light to him, to love him in spite of his ways, to pray for him. when does anything ever change? when is enough, enough?
according to God's Word, in all things we are to rejoice right? you know what makes me rejoice about all of this?
1) i can hear the voice of God speaking to me about forgiveness: in Matthew 18, Peter asked Jesus one day, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" and Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (and Jesus then told Peter the parable of the unmerciful servant - an awesome parable - Matthew 18:21-35).
in other words, it doesn't matter how many times a person hurts us, we are called to forgive them, the same way that our Father forgives us time and time again for all the mess we do. so it does fill my heart with joy when i hear God, even when He's correcting me :-)
2) i also rejoice because i want to have kids someday. and all of the hurt my father has put me through throughout my life just fuels the love that i already have for my children yet to be born. no matter what i face, no matter what happens, i vow to love those precious souls with everything in me. i don't ever want my kids to feel the way my father has made me feel. ever. a child should never have to question the love of their own parents. and i will do everything in my power to make sure my child never cries him or herself to sleep feeling unloved. my father's failures have made me determined to be the best mother in the world. i'm thankful to him for that.
i've tried to give my father mercy - really have. but i can't even give him the cop-out excuse that "he doesn't know Christ" and therefore i shouldn't expect Godly behavior from an ungodly person. i've given him that excuse time and time again and i'm tired of it. "oh dragonfly, i know it's frustrating and it's hard, but when someone doesn't know Christ and hasn't given their hearts and lives to Him, what do you expect? unless the Lord reaches him, he's going to remain the way he is..."
but you know what? i know PLENTY of people who don't know Christ, but still love their kids. heck, i know someone who is a borderline atheist but loves his kids with everything in him and would die for those girls. even animals who have no soul have a basic, protective instinct when it comes to their young and would kill anything that threatens to harm them.
why does my father not love me?
but if i didn't give him a stupid, meaningless Father's Day card next Sunday, he'd have an attitude for sure.
"While riding through the storm, Jesus holds me in His arms. I am not afraid of the stormy winds and the waves. Though the tide becomes high, He holds me while I ride. I've found safety in His arms, while riding through the storm." ~ yolanda adams
