made to worship

i had it out with God this weekend.

friday night, i sat in the dark in my room and screamed and cried. what began as an emotional desperate prayer turned into an angry, one-sided argument.

i told Him i was angry at Him. i told Him i didn't understand Him. i told Him i'm tired of things happening to me. i'm tired of disappointments and hurt. i told Him that i get tired of living for Him when it seems to only bring me pain in the end. why is it that the faithful suffer when the rest of the world who cares nothing for the things of Him have the times of their lives? why is it that i try hard to do it His way and my heart still breaks? why does He allow what He knows is going to be hurtful to come into my life? does He get a kick out of seeing me cry?

i told Him i'm tired of feeling like my life is a joke sometimes. i asked Him, screamed out to Him, where IS He when i need Him?? where IS He when i cry out?? where IS HE?

why does everyone else always talk about how they cry out to God and He "shows up"? where is He when i need Him - don't i matter too?

i spent much of the weekend feeling irritated with God, feeling no desire to pray, to worship, to read His word. feeling no desire to praise Him, no desire to be near Him. i felt that my Father had let me down big time. and i felt alone. again. too numb to even cry anymore.

last night, i dragged myself to Communion, wanting to go, feeling like i needed to go, but not really knowing why.

and when i got there, i found out why. there was a guest psalmist there who blessed me so much. right before he sang his last song, he gave a brief testimony about how the last 2 years of his life have been so hard. and that at one point, he didn't feel like singing, he didn't feel like worshiping, he didn't feel like recording (he's a gospel recording artist), and that there were times he'd be in the studio crying as he tried to record his album. he felt like giving it all up.

but he said that he realized during that time, that despite the fact that he didn't feel like worshiping, that he had to anyway. that we were created to worship. he was hurting, he was frustrated, he was angry, but God deserves our praise regardless. He created us for Him. so even during those times, we have to push ourselves to worship Him and know that there is purpose even in our pain.

i knew God was speaking to me. i felt like i was the only one in that sanctuary. i felt like that singer was brought there that night just to tell me that. these are things i know and have learned time and time again, but when my heart is full of pain, the Word He has given me seems to fall away. but as i listened to this testimony, i heard Him again. and all the tears that had been stored up in me came flooding out as he began to sing "Here I Am to Worship."

so last night, i told God how sorry i was for being so angry at Him. i don't understand why some things happen to me, but i do understand that despite those things, He deserves my praise. even when Jesus was being tortured, beaten, spat on, mocked and even in the last seconds of His life on that cross, He worshiped His father. surely, if Christ can endure that with a praise on His lips, i can too.

He created me to worship Him, He didn't create me just so that He could do things for me. the blessings He gives to me are extra favors He grants me, but they're not the reason i exist. i was made to worship. i wasn't made to lay around and soak up good things.

even when my heart is hurting, even when i can't stop crying, even when i don't understand (which is usually), God is no less faithful, He is no less worthy of glory and honor.

it sounds ridiculous right? that i'm supposed to suck it up, cry get it all out but still rejoice in all things, and still praise God just because He's God. trust that there's purpose to my pain, and just let it go and worship Him regardless. it sounds insane. Here i am worshiping this God that seems to leave me when i need Him most. here i am trying hard to love Him even when i feel like He's run out of love for me and i'm so filled with hurt and anger. here i am being told to praise Him even though nothing going on right now seems praiseworthy.

it sounds insane.

and it is. it's totally insane.

but that's part of faith. trusting in the insanity. trusting that His Word is alive.

giving my life to Christ wasn't done on a conditional basis. "if you give me all good days, then i'll continue to worship You." it doesn't work that way. when i reached out my hand to Him, it was for keeps.

He created me to worship HIM, He did not create me so that He could cater to me. who am i, afterall?

my heart is aching, but i'm feeling some peace. God is strengthening my faith, exercising me, teaching me that no matter how hard i cry, or no matter how much i desperately want answers, no matter how much i feel like God has forgotten about me, i am called to worship Him. He is Who He is no matter where i am. He is God. period.

i can get mad all i want, i may not like things that He allows to happen, but worship of Him, love of Him, praise of Him is not optional.

my desire to be near Him has returned. i'm laying in His arms. i'm not angry with Him anymore, but i'm still hurt. but instead of pushing Him away as i have these last few days, i'm letting Him wipe away my tears. and He is.

all i can do right now is sing to Him. i feel weak and it's all the praise i have in me.