devotion without distraction

when you love someone, really love someone, it feels like it takes over you.

i was reading Ms. A's post on marriage issues, and i got to thinking about how deep a love between a husband and wife really is (or should be anyway). it's a different, deeper kind of love than that of your parents or friends. it's spending your life together, days and nights together, sharing the world together, serving God together, raising children together. that's deep. that's love.

then i started to think about my relationship with God and all the distractions that get in the way of He and i now, no kids, no husband, no life insurance policies, no building a home, no choosing schools, no nursing chicken pox illnesses, no making dinners and lunches for a family. i'm single, i live alone, i have one job, i have bills, i have family and friends, most of whom don't live near me. yet, there are so many distractions that get in the way of my relationship with God. distractions that cause me to go days without reading His word, days without spending time deep in prayer and worship. when i get married and have children, talk about distractions!

but God wants all of my attention and focus to first be on Him. He is King, and deserves to be loved like the King He is. He doesn't want to be second or third, but first, always first. that's where He deserves to be, just because He's God. how will i ever pull that off when i have the demands of a family every day?

my God, i'm so afraid that i'll lose sight of You when my life becomes consumed with love and concern for my husband and child(ren). at times, i don't even do a good enough job of spending time with You now. my God, my God, please don't let me forsake You. i'd rather You keep me single and alone or even take my life, than to ever let me push You aside for anyone in this world, not even for the love of my life, not even for the child from my very womb.

i know how i am. and God knows me better than i know myself. when i love someone, i love hard, i become wrapped up in them. and that's just talking about the love i've experienced thus far in life - love that wasn't meant to last. so i can't even imagine how much i'll love the man God has for me for the rest of my life, and even more than that, how much i'll love that precious child that comes from me. i think i'll lose my mind with love for them.

but i don't want my love for my husband or my kids to become worship of them. i love God. He is my Father. He must always always be first, no matter who or what comes into my life. there is to be no other before Him. i get distracted even as a single person, but even still, there's no one to really pull my attention away from God right now. i know a lot of wives and moms, husbands and dads. finding balance is extremely hard, especially for working parents. get up at the crack of dawn, get kids up and dressed, feed breakfast for them, somehow find time to shower yourself, no time for your own breakfast, get yourself dressed, pile into cars and drop kids off at school, speed off to work, slave away at job all day long, drag yourself home, make dinner, help with homework, give baths, try to find some time to spend quality time with kids, read stories, play game, put kids to bed, try to find some time to spend quality time with spouse, exhausted, you crash onto the pillow...then get up and do it all again the next day.

WHEN and HOW does anyone do all that and find time, energy and passion for worship, bible study, and prayer and meditation with God??? will i be able to do that??

i don't ever want to be in a place where i love my husband more than i love God. i don't ever want to be in a place where i put my husband's and kids' needs or wants over my devotion to God. ever. likewise, i pray that i have the humility, understanding and strength to know that i will come second in my husband's life also - that God is to be his Number One priority, always. i don't ever want to feel jealous or upset that my husband has to put me second.

God has so much work to do on me, in me. i want to be all that He desires me to be in Him, for Him. i know marriage and children are blessed gifts from God and He understands that love, passion and concern for them. but there's no question about it that He desires that i first seek Him and keep Him first. i hope and pray that i can.