step into my world

oh the long-winded randomness that's about to begin:

i'm having a grrrrrrrrrreat hair day, if i may say so myself. :-D!

apparently i was hitting the yoga a bit hard - too many downward facing dogs and what not. i'm feeling all kinds of sore. but i actually like the post-workout soreness. makes me feel....accomplished.

it hit me this weekend that i have been so (purposely) isolated from everyone lately. i'm feeling disconnected and disenchanted with people these days, so i haven't really spent much time with anyone in a little while. haven't been answering my phone much nor returning calls. i just don't feel like talking to people. scary thing is - i'm really enjoying it. Lord, i hope i don't turn into some reclusive hermit.

i'm on my second cuppa joe already. i'm going to be doing cartwheels in here in a bit. i need to stop, but i'm sooooo sleepy that i doubt i'll make it without the caffeine.

ok, the wax that they put on fruit in the stores - um...really, is it really that serious?? i think God did a great enough job making fruit beautiful and attractive without grocers feeling like they have lube it up with carnuba wax and make it shiny. i don't need my apples to glisten, thanks.

you know what i hate?? when i'm looking for something good to watch on TV, and i'm flipping through the menu and come across some good show i want to watch. so i think "yay!" only to turn to the channel, and it's something ELSE on, but not what the menu said!!!! argggh. get my hopes all up for nada.

y'all should have seen the makeshift lasagna i made for dinner last night. i was too lazy to do it the right way. so i just boiled some lasagna noodles, cooked some veggie "no-beef" (lol), slapped both of those in a bowl with some tomato sauce, and called it some lasagna. it looked pathetic. but tasted delicious! who says you can't whip up a gourmet meal in 7 mins. psssh!

i'm really going to try to keep up with my running when it gets warm. i didn't run all winter because i loathe the cold weather. but spring is a-coming! and i have no excuse. i need to get out there and pound the pavement. i hope i can stick to it - i am the most undisciplined, non-committal, attention-deficit woman i know! i get so bored easily.

speaking of which, i'm such a jumbled up ball of contradictions. wanna know why? here's why:

1) i looooove children. i really do. they bring me joy, laughter and all kinds of warmth inside. and i really want to have a large family one day soon (4-5 kids). but sometimes the thought of giving all of my time and energy to children for the rest of my life scares the jinkies out of me. i'll admit it: i'm selfish sometimes. selfish with my time, selfish my energy. when i want to do something, i do it. when i don't want to do something, i don't do it if i can help it (though i do try to give of myself as much as i can for those in need, esp. family). if i want to pick up and go, i go. not so simple when you have a family. i see moms lugging squirmy, screaming kids through the mall and i think, "whew! glad i don't have any kids so i can shop in peace!"

this past weekend i did a bunch of nothing: i watched movie after movie after movie, bought some take out food, had a few glasses of my fave pinot g, and slept until my body hurt from laying down so long. i only left the house to go to the Cafe for food, church on sunday morning, and Target after church. the rest of the weekend, i was a vegetable. and i loved it. when i have kids, i won't have those weekends anymore, will i? i mean, kids always want to do stuff: play games, go to parks, go to other fun places. and i really don't believe in just plopping a kid down in front of the tv to watch cartoons or play video games. they need to be outside, exercising, enjoying nature, enjoying the sunlight, and just running around having fun. so my vegging out days will surely come to an adjourning once i have kids. i'm hoping i'll have tons of energy for them and that my deep love and care for them will make me want to do all the things they want to do, instead of watching the Lifetime Movie Network all day, LOL.

2) i want to get married - i really do. but sometimes, i realize just how easily tired of people i get. i think i get annoyed easily. or maybe i get bored easily. and i really like my personal space - my own stuff, my own ways of doing things. when you get married, you have to, you know...compromise and stuff. it won't be just i/me anymore, but we/us now. i was thinking about that one day last week or so when i got home from a long day at work.

when i stepped into my place, i was so glad to be there alone. kick my shoes off in the dining room, throw my coat over the chair, turn the tv up loud so i can hear it as i wash my face and change clothes. i'm free to just be me, do what i want, not have to be considerate of anyone, not have to give my attention or energy to anyone but my hungry little critters following me all around the apartment. and i thought to myself, man...this is the life! when i get married, that will change. a lot. but i think once i experience the joy of being with him for the rest of my life, someone that i'm so connected with and love so deeply, that it won't seem as scary, that i'll be more than happy to give of myself, my attention and energy. i mean, right now, it's just me: i'm only responsible for me, so i can be self-centered. but i don't want to be a self-centered wife. let's hope that, with God's help, the self-centeredness of singlehood begins to wane as you joyfully give of yourself to your spouse. let us pray...


***

i'm going to start swimming again. i can't wait!!! found a gym nearby that has an indoor pool. i'm too broke to afford a regular gym membership, but it's not too expensive to buy a monthly pool pass there. i'm stoked. swimming is the best. i used to swim faithfully in college - free gyms are also the best. but the perks of college life and all its on-campus free-ness are long gone. the real world makes you pay for stuff, ol' stupid real world. anyway, this facility doesn't charge too much though for their pool. i just hope it isn't all grimy - maybe i should visit/tour it first to make sure before i buy the pass. duh.

speaking of the real world, why IS it so expensive?? everything is overpriced - food, clothes, apartments/houses, toiletries, everything! one good thing about being perpetually broke: i am an expert bargain shopper!! i will hunt and look for good deals religiously, and i usually find them. it definitely increases patience also, as i have mastered the patient art of "i'll wait and see if i can find it cheaper somewhere else." being broke definitely kills any spirit of impulse-buying in you. and that helps you make wiser purchasing decisions. also, brokeness helps to build your sense of sacrifice - having to do without and be content with what you have. for me, that's an important lesson to learn.

i'm convinced too, that if i were to ever suddenly gain wealth, i would be the richest woman in the world. why? because i could be a trillionaire but would still be shopping at thrift stores and Target, buying stuff on-sale, and exclaiming, "what?? $12.99 for THAT?? please..."

you'll never see me buying $500 pairs of shoes, $1000 purses, or $200 sunglasses. to whoever does, rock your style but it's not me. for one, even a really cute, nice pair of shoes are still just shoes to me and i ain't paying $500 for them unless they come with $500 taped onto the bottom of the sole. second, i'm clumsy and wreckless: i lose things, i break things, i scuff and scratch things. do you know how pissed i'd be if i spent $200 on some sunglasses and lost or broke them?? paying butt-loads of money for stuff would have me forming attachments like a mug. and i don't like getting attached to objects because they're just...things. when i scratch or lose my $9.99 sunglasses that i bought from my Nigerian brotha down the street - no harm, no foul. may be disappointed because they were cute, but i'd get over it quickly.

i need a vacation ASAP. i haven't been anywhere in soooo long. i'm itching to hop on a plane and jet on out of here. donations please!!! :-D

i thank God for a sound mind and body. a friend of my uncle's was just put into a nursing home because she has really advanced Alzheimer's. she would wander out of the house, not knowing where she was or where she was going, and they'd find her walking down some busy street in her pajamas; she could no longer control her bodily functions and would relieve herself anywhere, confused and thinking she was in the bathroom; she could no longer feed herself, wouldn't recognize her own family. it's heartbreaking. i can't imagine what it must be like to be trapped in your own mind and body, unable to do anything for yourself anymore. i pray that she is not forgotten in that nursing home. she needs to be there, where nurses can care for her and monitor her 24/7 - something that any regular person just wouldn't be able to do. but i hope and pray that her family doesn't pretend she doesn't exist anymore, now that she's no longer under their direct care. sometimes, older people are cast-aside and forgotten. i'm going to make it a point to go visit her with my family.

this month marks my 7-year Vegan Anniversary, or Veganniversary, as i like to call it!!! woohoo! time for a good old-fashioned tofu party, LOL.

this job o' mine...ugh. in the words of jay-z, this can't be life.... definitely time for a long-overdue change. help me Jesus!! i'm....dying...here...

i find owen wilson to be quite attractive. something about him. (i was watching Wedding Crashers yesterday, so this isn't totally out of left-field).

hmmm...i so badly want a strawberry-banana-mango smoothie right about now. but i told myself i wasn't spending money on ANY food this week. due to laziness, i bought take-out food 3 or 4 days in a row last week. for a budgeter like me, that is a no-no. i'm usually not one to eat out so much, but i couldn't muster the energy to cook at home. when i think of all the money i could've saved...*shaking head*. so this week, i'm only bringing lunch from home and eating dinner at home! must. be. strong. dragonfly.

last thing: it is going to be 67 degrees today! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can't WAIT to get out of here and go breathe some of that sun in.

i wish you sunshine, warmth, blessings, love, peace, and all things beautiful, pure and sweet today.

kisses and hugs from my caffeine-drenched neck of the planet!