eyes wide shut

just heard someone else's good news - again. i'm beginning to think God is allowing these things to be right in my face for a reason. once again, i'm truly happy for their blessings, while feeling truly sad that yet again, i'm watching other people be and do and have what i've longed for, yet they don't seem to be in God's will for me, at least not right now.

i'm thinking that is part of the reason He's allowing me to witness, painfully up-close and personally, what is happening in other people's lives. God is dealing with me on my envy issues. it's a sick feeling that i hate, loathe and despise, and that He hates as well. He wants me to be joyful right where i am until He decides to move things for me, and praise Him anyway. i'm trying....believe me, i'm trying. He deserves that because He's God. He deserves so much more than i give, than i could ever give.

thankfully, it's not the type of envy that produces resentment of those being blessed around me. i guess that just means that God is keeping me from totally succumbing to the envy, which can consume you if not kept in check. i kid not that i'm truly joyful for their blessings. i don't think they are undeserving and that it should be me instead of them. but it is the kind of envy that wishes it were me as well. to simplify, i don't want their blessings to not occur or to be taken away, i just want them to be occurring in my life also. make sense?

so here i am once again on the flip side of congratulation street, holding back tears and wondering why God is so silent these days. wondering if He really is being silent, or if i'm just too deaf to hear. wondering if not now, when? wondering how i'm ever going to do this. wondering if my tiny little piece will ever find a place in the colossal puzzle of this world. wondering if i'll ever get the peace back that i fondly remember, that seems to be fleeing from me. or maybe i'm shoving it away. maybe because i'm allowing all these distractions and thoughts and tears to well up in my soul, i'm forfeiting a peace that has been promised to me if i just focus on Him and hold on.

maybe if i just stop wondering and stop hurting and stop questioning, my peace will return. i remember times, many times, when externally, things were not ship-shape, but internally there was peace. that's the great thing about God's peace - it surpasses circumstance and understanding. so i know that that kind of peace exists - i've seen it, felt it, lived it, tasted it. but try as i might, lately, i can't seem to get back in that state. i'm wrestling. and restless. and feeling defeated that i've given victory to that peace-stealing busybody thief of a devil.

** as a disclaimer and for the benefit of anyone who may read this that doesn't know Christ personally, i don't doubt the Lord's ability to do anything. i mean, Jesus merely spoke the word and calmed the stormy wind and waves. so i don't want to seem like a "Doubting Dragonfly" and paint a picture that God doesn't answer prayers. He's bigger than any of my (or anyone else's) issues. He has answered prayers so many times in my life and in the lives of others around me, so i know He hears and moves. right now though, i believe i'm experiencing a period of silence from God, which can happen sometimes in this walk. He has a purpose for being silent, i just have no idea what that is currently. and what's overwhelming me is the not knowing. standing in the middle not knowing whether to turn left or right or not at all, not hearing Him, or the fear that He's speaking but i'm too [insert appropriate adjective here because i can't find the right word] to hear Him. the simple answer is to just be still and know that He is God. that's all i can do really. but it's harder to do than it sounds.

it's like this: hypothetically speaking, if i prayed for a river, because i'm really wanting and needing this river, and i'm waiting and waiting and eras go by and no way has been made for me to obtain this river, the agony doesn't lie in the fact that i'm river-less. i mean, yeah i may be disappointed because i think i need this river. but i know that what i think i need or want isn't always what God knows i need. His wisdom is infinite; mine is so limited that it's comical.

no, the agony lies in the not knowing, and not hearing. if God were to say to me, "dragonfly, i know you think this river will meet your needs, but I have other plans for you. this river is not My will for you, and I cannot reveal what my will IS right now, but wait. just wait on Me, and in My perfect time, you will see," i'd be COOL. as a cucumber. because i'd know that although i'm not getting the river i originally wanted, God is the Ultimate Caretaker, the Ultimate Father, so if He says 'no' to the river but 'yes' to something else, the something else is bound to be greater than anything i could imagine, even if i don't know what it is yet. God doesn't just say "no" to things to be mean - He knows the best path for us, so a "no" to something is always replaced with a "but here is what i really want for you..." kinda deal. and that is just perfect, and welcome, and blessed.

but right now, i'm not hearing a "no"; i'm not hearing a "yes"; i'm not hearing anything. and it's killing me.

i'm trying to "seek first the kingdom of God" because He promised that if i do, all other things would be added to me (according to His will for me, of course). believe me, i'm trying. and He never promised that things would be easy, but that during each and every storm, He would be there, would neither leave nor forsake me but would be with me even until the end of the world. so i know that He's here and i'm not alone.

but i feel alone. oh, how i feel so. alone. i need to hear Him - not just for answers to every prayer ever uttered, but to hear His voice for some kind of clarity, to make sense of all this turmoil in my mind. i don't have any other choice but to hold on, because giving up on God is not even an option.

you know, i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. too many thoughts are screaming inside and my fingers on these keys can't catch up. i can't even fully, coherently articulate right now.

what i do know is that i need to stop focusing on myself. i'm being extremely selfish right now (thank you, Lord, for fatherly chastisement), and i really need to quit so that my eyes can be open to the possible needs of anyone around me, be it friend, family, or absolute stranger. the danger of being so self-absorbed right now is that i could miss the opportunity to minister to someone, to meet someone's need, or to just smile and hug all over someone who may be feeling just as lonely and confused as i am. i am not the only one with troubles who desires peace. i'm not the only one, period.

i'm listening to this song "Never Alone" by Barlowgirl that sums up my heart right now so exquisitely that i could have written it myself:

I waited for You today
But You didn't show
No No...No.
I needed You today
So where did You go?

You told me to call
said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side so
I'll hold tight to what I know -
You're here.
and I'm never alone.

And though I cannot see You
and I can't explain why
such a deep, reassurance
You've placed in my life.

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know -
You're here and I'm never alone

We cannot separate -You're part of me
and though You're invisible, I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel You by my side so
I'll hold tight to what I know - You're here and I'm never alone