quieting the storm

last night's Communion service made me feel....alive again. those are the only words i have to describe how i felt leaving there.

something about being amidst the warmth of many souls all crying out for God at the same time; something about witnessing people letting go and worshiping, lifting up their voices and hands, letting their tears flow; something about letting go and letting my own tears flow; something about taking the time to truly reflect on the sacrifice Christ made for us, having His body broken and blood shed on the cross for us and our sins; something about being ministered to by song after song - it all leaves me feeling....alive.

that is why i will forever be an advocate of corporate worship for all who say that they "don't need to go to church" in order to "believe" in God. God is present everywhere, yes. but He revels in our collective praise and worship - and you can feeeeeel His presence and Spirit there, alive and moving.

to me, having a relationship with Jesus is way more than just a "belief" - it's a sacrifice, a lifestyle, getting to know His character and heart. and i love just being around people who aren't afraid to let go for Him, to be undignified for Him, to ruin their make-up with salty tears, to break a sweat singing and swaying. it fuels me. it touches my soul.

even though my church is pretty large and i don't know too many people there yet, whenever i'm there, i feel safe, i feel at home, i feel like they are truly my family, even if i don't know too many names. i leave there wanting more.

last night, i laid down my burdens, i poured out my heart. i confessed all my concerns and worries and vowed to do my part. i lifted my chains. and He inserted the key.

and inscribed on that key is the word: Trust.

He is whispering to me to just let go and trust in Him and Him alone. i know that i'm weak, i fail, i'm stubborn, i'm impatient, i'm unforgiving, i'm broken. but Jesus is everything i'm not, and more. i know that people in my life are weak, they fail, they are stubborn, unforgiving, impatient and broken. but He is everything they are not. He will fix all that is in me and turn any hardness of heart into flesh - i just have to let Him. He will change circumstances, open doors, close doors, heal wounds. i just have to be still. pray and be still.

today, even though my "high" has worn off a tad, i feel a new sense of hope, once again reassured that joy cometh in the morning and that troubles don't last always. my burdens of yesterday are still my hurdles today, but they don't seem as impossible to jump over. alls i have to do is look back at whatever hurdles stood in my way back then, and realize that "back then" is over...and if those hurdles got knocked down, surely these too shall pass " for nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

for the next several weeks, it has been laid on my heart to be silent as much as possible - not totally silent, since i do still have a job to go to everyday. but i will only speak when necessary, therefore eliminating frivolous conversations, phone calls, and blogging (*sigh*) etc. i'll be turning my cell off and my home phone ringer off as much as possible. and spending as much free time as i can in prayer and bible study. i need to hear from God. and the more i talk and hear my own voice and the voices of others, the less i can hear from Him. there's too much noise in my life, and God isn't about to shout over it to be heard.

this may be my last post for a few days, unless i have some groundbreaking revelations that i just can't keep to myself :-).

bless you and love you!

oh yeah, and just to leave you with a funny mental image: last night, i painted my nails but only did one hand. didn't feel like doing the other. plus it was late and i needed to go to bed and didn't feel like waiting up for it to dry. soooo, today, i'm rocking a left hand with pretty pink polish, and a bare naked right hand :-)

and i'm ok with that.

oh yeah again, i'm bloated as all get out today, thanks to the joys of womanhood.

and i'm not ok with that.