how did i get here?

he didn't go to work today. i have no idea why cuz he didn't mention that he'd be out when we hung out yesterday during lunch. we've spent the last two days taking our lunch breaks together, walking in the cold and sitting in the Square's cafe area. we even hung out in a clothing store just to get out of the cold for awhile and kill time until it was time to go back to work. we talked and did a little hugging. he's so....mmm.

he "warned" me (his word) that he wanted to kiss me so badly, but he didn't do it. after he said that, he stared at me for a few seconds and then smiled and backed away, like he was shaking off the urge. this man is going to give me a friggin ulcer.

when we got in the elevator he grabbed my scarf and pulled me to him like he was going to kiss me, but he didn't. he hugged me, and i kissed his cheek. i like that he's not making assumptions and diving right in - that he's holding back and showing restraint. maybe he's trying to feel me out first. that's good because, based on how i feel about his whole life situation, i think it'd be wise of me to not even let myself be affectionate with him. but man, it's hard, especially when i spend days daydreaming about him.

he finally asked me if i'd ever be interested in hanging out outside of work hours (i said yes), and he asked for my cell number, which i of course gave. he called me last night, after midnight and i missed the call. he left me the cutest message, which i turned the lights out and replayed over and over again before i attempted to go to bed. i called him back (it was 15 mins after he had called) but he didn't answer, and i didn't leave a message. sometime after 1:30am he called me back, but i was dead asleep. i heard the phone ringing but was too tired to care, even though i figured it was probably him. i may have to have a talk with him about how much i love sleep. and seeing as how we've only known each other for going on 2 weeks, i don't think he has yet earned the privilege of waking me up with late-night phone calls. it was sweet though that he was evening wanting to talk to me so late. he earned one brownie point for that :-)

now that i think of it, in the message he left me, he did say something about "hoping" he'd see my smiling face today, which struck me as odd...why would have have to "hope" he'd see me? that almost sounded as if he knew there was a possibility that he wouldn't. but i didn't think anything of it until today when i realized he's not here. maybe he stayed home with his youngest (2 y.o.) daughter, who he mentioned had been sick.

i can't believe i'm actually disappointed that i won't be seeing him today. like, really disappointed. and he hasn't called or emailed all day, not that he should, but still. i have the urge to call him and find out where he is and hint that i missed seeing his face today, but i don't want to seem....eager. or desperate. i can't believe that i have these feelings about him. i KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that i can't be with him. there's no part of me that is willing to compromise and begin some kind of relationship with a man with 4 kids, ex-wives and such. but i guess my lonely little heart just sees him as someone that i finally feel a chemistry with and doesn't care about the baggage that my mind refuses to accept. i hate this - trying to suppress the feelings for him that keep bubbling up to the surface no matter how many times i shove them back down. but i don't want to get my feelings all in it with someone that is pretty much off-limits. and even more than that, i don't want to hurt him or lead him on. i haven't yet expressed my feelings about his situation - haven't had a reason to.

i wonder if, wherever he is, he's thinking about me as much as i'm obsessing over him.

what the heck ever happened to me being "over it"??