h2O+NACl+CO2=....?

yeah so there's no chemistry. none. zip. zilch.

i tried to keep an open mind, tried not to write him off so quickly as i tend to do. i know i'm a habitual quitter - once i see something isn't working, no matter what area of life this pertains to, i give up. i'm not bragging like this is a good thing. but i guess my reasoning is that i'd rather save time and energy and try my hand at something else instead of fighting for something that doesn't appear to be working. and in the end, even after the fight, i still come up empty. i'm a "cut your losses" kinda girl.

with that being said, i think i'm giving up on this one too. i don't have the energy to really care. he's a nice guy, we have core values in common (he's a Christian and he even goes to the same church that i do). but he bores me to tears. and even though he (i guess) tries to show he's interested, he's not doing it very well. i think that after all the hurt i've been through in relationships, i've really upped the ante. i've upped my standards. so i don't waste my time when i see that there's no real potential.

after all of the drama guys have put me through (and truth be told, drama i've put MYSELF through), i'm done playing games, i'm done with settling for coach when i know i deserve first class. and this guy, i just don't think is the one. no, i KNOW he's not the one b/c when he calls me, i cringe at seeing his name come up on my phone and i don't want to talk to him. when i first met him (several months ago), i prayed about him, asking God to lead me in this situation. only God knows who He has designed as the one who is perfect for me. so it's important that i seek God first so that He shows me before i get too deep. I can't make decisions based on emotions. Emotions will lead you the wrong way almost every time. But my God sees all, knows all, controls all. so i trust Him to send me the right man at the right time. this guys clearly is not that man, lol. and that's ok. i prayed for God to let me know whether or not to go forward with this, and as He never ever fails me, God is speaking loudly into my spirit that this guy is not the one He has for me. and i'm perfectly ok with that. i need to know these things so that i don't waste time being with the wrong person.

i'm ready for the rock my socks off kinda love. i'm ready for a man to make me feel like a little school girl - all shy and giddy and nervous at just the thought of him. i'm ready to sit at my desk and barely be able to concentrate on my work because i'm thinking of him all day and scribbling his name on my post-it notes. this guy invokes NONE of these feelings in me. yeah he's a nice enough guy, lives just down the block from me (which is convenient), goes to church, is 10 years older than me which i really like, is always respectful and nice to me.

but there's just no chemistry. when we talk, i feel like i'm digging for conversation. and i end up doing most of the talking, most of the asking all the "get to know you" questions. now, i tend to like quiet guys, guys who are not showy and loud and flashy. i'm an introvert and i like guys who are similar, who don't feel a need to attract attention to themselves all the time. but this guy is TOO quiet, too reserved (translation: boring). i need him to give a little (a lot) more...umph. step it up, take risks, put yourself out there, be interesting for goodness sake!! he's such a cornball.

don't get me wrong - chemistry is NOT everything. a relationship has to be founded on something deeper than just chemistry and attraction or it will without a doubt fail. chemistry and attraction are as fleeting as infatuation - it's like building castles in the sand. if there's no solid foundation, eventually it will all wash away.

BUT chemistry is important to keep the motivation going. chemistry is what drives you to want to know more about the other person. it drives you to keep going so that a strong,less superficial foundation can eventually be built. it's what drives you to want to hold their hands at the grocery store and even after a long, irritating day at work, even though you're exhausted, you're not too exhausted to spend hours with them. that's what i want. i want someone who makes me want to sit and listen to his entire life story, and someone who is so intrigued by me that he'll want to sit and listen to mine. i want to get to know all of his faults and flaws, all of his strengths, all of him.

this guy i'm sorta seeing? i don't want to know anything...lol. i think i've gotten to the point of frustration with him being so lukewarm that i just don't care anymore. i don't call him, he always calls me. i haven't agreed to anymore dates because i just don't want to sit through another night of dread. i just have to figure out a way to address with him that i don't see this going anywhere. the LAST thing i want to do is hurt him because he really is a nice guy and i know there has to be someone out there for him. it's just not me. i'm so afraid of hurting his feelings. but the good thing is that it's still new enough that there isn't too much invested in this, so hopefully that will minimize any hurt or hard feelings. but on the other hand, i wonder if it's too soon to even mention how i'm feeling? i don't know, i guess when the time is right, the conversation will take place.

either way, i can't take much more of it. i'd hate to have to change my number again.