if only it were so...

yesterday i got into a pretty heated argument with a friend of mine. we both made each other mad, and then he just walked out the door on me, which of course pissed me off even more - i can't stand for people to turn their backs when i'm talking or walk away from me.

later, he was standing outside talking to some people as i was coming back to the building to get something i had left on my desk. and he acted like he didn't even see me and didn't acknowledge me, even though the two people he was with spoke to me. as i was leaving the building, they were all still talking on the stairs, which i had to pass to get to the metro. he looked at me and gave me this "i'm mad at you" kinda grin and a barely cordial "hello," which i mimicked and kept walking. halfway down the block he calls my cell and asks "what's the problem?" which made me even angrier, because he was the one who started the "problem." my response was "i'm chillin." and we got off the phone a second later, not on a good note.

today, a huge vase of flowers gets delivered to my job with a lovely apology note attached, from him. i was touched.

but now i'm even more disturbed by this situation. here i have a perfectly nice guy, whose life is pretty together, with whom i have a lot in common (more than with most), who's committed to the Lord and serious about growing constantly, who's fun to be with, except when he's getting on my nerves (he can be rather immature at times, which is what caused our argument in the first place), and who, when he's wrong or knows he has upset me, reaches out to me and apologizes, and sends me gorgeous flowers. yet, i feel nothing for this man, other than pure friendship. i'm so thankful for him and how much we learn from each other, and for all of our endless conversations about religion, world affairs, life, everything, and i hope we will always be friends. and who knows, maybe one day my heart will change and i'll feel something for him (i truly can't see that happening though). but right now...? i got nothing. and that bothers me because i can't figure out why that is so. if i were attracted to him romantically, he would have SO won me over by now and we'd probably be on our honeymoon as we speak. but in reality, all i feel is deep friendship for a "really cool guy."