red, pink and the blues

i told myself i wasn't going to let this happen...but i let it happen anyway...i fell into the Valentine's Day Trap.

and by "the Trap," i mean that trap of feeling sad and lonely and depressed because i don't have a real valentine. yeah, yeah, i have family and friends who love and care for me, blah blah. and a friend is supposed to be taking me out tomorrow after work...but it's not the same. it's just not the same.


valentine's day is the most awful fake holiday of the year. it's just a day for those who are blessed enough to have found love to rub it in the faces of those of us who are spending it alone, eating vegan cake and drinking pinot grigio. everyone parades around looking (or pretending to look) all in love, with their candies and roses and other pink and red bullsh-- sorry i got carried away for a minute. i digress...

friday morning, M sent me a text message, waking me up at 6:30 am. he was on a business trip in Tuscon, AZ, was up thinking of me, missed me, and wishing he could spend valentine's day with me. my heart melted into my pillow...i wanted to cry, but i didn't. this sucks so much...

i remember valentine's day of '03 when i was with "him" and i felt so loved and beautiful and safe. i don't think we really did much to celebrate it...it really wasn't his thing, but he did a little sumthin' just to please me - took me out for drinks, bought me a rose and some cheap stuffed animal. but i was just so happy to have someone to fall asleep with that night...

i know that valentine's day is not the only day to show someone you love them- you should show people that all year long, not just one day. but since this day was set aside for honoring "love" i'd like to participate... and yeah, i can "participate" with friends and family because i love them too, but it's not the same...and my heart is so stubborn for romantic love that it ain't tryin to hear anything about friendship right about now.

i realized the other day how starved for affection i am. i really love being hugged and kissed, but there isn't anyone in my life who gives me any human affection like that on a regular basis. my mom is pretty lovey dovey like that, but i don't see her that often. she's pretty much the only one who readily hugs and kisses me (i love her so much...:-)) but other than that, i pretty much go day to day without feeling any human touch, and that's rough. genuine hugs (not those half-assed, barely touching hugs that people like to give just as a formality) can really cure someone's day. where are my cure-givers?

so i told myself months ago, when all the pink and red paraphenalia hit the stores in preparation for this awful day, that i wasn't going to get all down on myself, that i was going to pamper myself, do something nice for myself and just enjoy the day alone or with friends. but now that that day is tomorrow, it's not feeling so simple.

this morning, i was watching a woman and whom i assumed was her man, walking arm and arm across the metro station parking lot. she was gripping onto him tightly because the ground was really slippery from all the snow and ice and she was afraid of falling. and i stared at them for awhile, with envy and a little bit of sorrow, thinking to myself, "wow...that must be a nice feeling..." to feel safe, to know that you have someone right there to hold on to, to catch you if you slip and start to fall...

yet here i am, at another valentine's day with no one to hold onto.