new year, new beginnings

happy 2006! although i'm shocked that this new year crept up so quickly, i'm relieved and excited at the chance to start anew. i'm leaving all negativity from 2005 behind, and i'm pressing forward in this new year. i know that 2006 will have it's fair share of difficult times, as with any year. but i'm determined to make the most of my days. i'm leaving behind negative people and negative things. i've realized that even those closest to me aren't always there for me when i need them to be. it hurts because i try to be there and listen when people reach out to me. i try to offer sound counsel and encouraging, uplifting words when i can. i try to really care about what others are going through and to make their pain my pain. i don't get that same kind of dedication in return.

so i've decided that i'm not going to try anymore. i'm going to continue to love because that's what i'm supposed to do as a Child of God, but i'm not going to let my heart be broken over the shortcomings of others. i'm not going to beat myself up and dwell on how others make me feel. i'm not giving anyone that power over me. i'm not going to be bitter and i'm not going to stop being friendly and sincere, but when it's not returned to me, i'm not going to dwell on it. i can't change people, i can only pray for them. i can't make people behave any certain way, i can only give love and hope that it is returned some day. and if it is not, at least i can say that it was not because of my lacking, and i can sleep with a clear conscience. it doesn't mean that i won't be affected if i'm hurt; it just means that i'll allow myself to grieve, to be upset, even angry, and then i'll let it go. too long have i carried around the weight and burden of past transgressions. there are things that my family members, friends, exes, and i myself have done or said that have hurt me deeply in the past that i've never gotten over, that i've lugged around with me for months/years. but i'm not putting myself through that anymore. i know they're not perfect, i know i'm not perfect. and i can expect to be hurt and possibly hurt others also in the future. but what i can do is to forgive, make decisions about who is good in and for my life, and move from there.

and i'm hoping to grow even more in every way this new year. i'm going to stand up for myself more, speak my mind more and stop letting people get to me. i'm going to pray more and more to always keep myself grounded and at peace even in the midst of setbacks. i'm going to try new things, go new places, even if it means going alone. i've learned that i cannot depend on ANYONE but God and myself (and even i let myself down sometimes, so i guess i can only depend on God). and i've learned that when you need people the most, when you need them to listen the most, when you need their comfort and understanding the most, that's when they're no where to be found, or they're simply not listening. so i'm rededicating myself to being my own best friend and taking care of myself. i'm reinventing my attitude. i'm reinventing my heart. i'm cleaning out all the old hurts i've been carrying around for months and years, all the unspoken times when people have hurt me, all the times when i've failed myself and others, all the times when i've cried inside but was too afraid to let it show. i'm cleaning it all out, giving it all to God, forgiving myself for mistakes and forgiving others for theirs as well, then taking a deep breath and letting it all go.

i'm not going to worry about others, who they are, what they're doing, what they have, where they are. i'm going to be grateful for who i am, where i've been, where i'm going (wherever that is), what i have, and thank God every step of the way. i'm going to spend my time giving (time, love, comfort, resources, etc.) to those in need, and no longer giving to those who constantly want to take, but never to give. i'm making prayer-filled plans. and i'm fully prepared to walk whatever journey i need to walk completely on my own, with no one but God and my angels beside me. and that's ok with me.

i'm feeling very empowered and at peace right now. i pray that it's not just a 'new year high' and that it will last.

Amen. :-)