crush

although i'm so sleepy i could cry, i'm feeling slightly giddy thinking about saturday night. blind date guy makes me smile. he says he's going to come back down here this coming weekend, and we'll get to spend more time together (hopefully alone, without the presence of friends). last night we texted back and forth for about an hour, and it was so refreshing. i've missed that kind of flirting - i haven't really experienced it in so long. but being the rational, logical thinker that i am, i'm trying my best to keep all of these emotions in check. i'm trying not to let myself get attached to him or expect anything from him, to just let everything flow as it may. i know that it's just a crush and that nothing is likely to develop from this. for starters, as i wrote before, he lives in NY, and i don't get into long-distance relationships. relationships can be hard enough when two people live close by each other; but to add a four-hour distance is just too difficult for me to handle (i've tried it before and it didn't work out, to say the least). and i am much to insecure about things sometimes, as it is, so i don't need the added pressure and frustration of not being able to see my mate very often.

i also don't think it would work between us (hypothetically speaking, of course, seeing as how we just met on saturday) because we are very diffrent in a lot of important ways. we talked extensively friday night over the phone about our spiritual beliefs, and our viewpoints differ a great deal from one another. i love going to church and go every week, he doesn't. i pray often and i feel very connected to God (most of the time), he does not. he believes in God, but that's about where it ends for him. he's just not a very spiritual person, and therefore our philosophies and values are different also, i.e when it comes to sexual issues and other things. so while i'm not judging him in the least bit because every has to find their own spirituality (and i pray he does some day, not for my benefit, but for his), and i don't think he's a bad person or anything like that, but my spirituality is something very important to me, and i would like my mate to feel the same way.

i believe that when two people share spiritual beliefs, that that union can be so blessed and can go so much further. but when you're both on opposite ends of the spectrum (unevenly yoked), in my opinion, it won't work. that's how i've found it to be in my life anyway. so while i respect his views and i don't judge him at all and i'd love to spend more time with him and get to know him, i don't see it going very far (that is, if he's even interested). so we'll see what happens, i'll try to keep an open mind. if anything, i'll have made a new friend that i can go visit in new york!

he's so hot though...

and of course, it started happening again. i was alone at home yesterday, reminiscing on the fun night that we had on saturday, and i started to feel sad. because of course, i started to think of my ex and i wished it had been him that i was dancing with, and laughing with, and connecting with. i hate that i think like that, but i can't help it, because in my heart, it shouldn't be that way. i shouldn't be having dates with anyone else, i shouldn't be having fun with anyone else, i shouldn't be hugging and kissing anyone else goodnight. i should be with him. i should be doing all those thing with him. when in reality, i'm not and he's probably somewhere doing all of those same things with someone else and not even thinking of me. i wonder if i'll ever get over these feelings. we broke up 2 years ago (with a brief period a little over a year ago when we tried, in vain, to reconcile...that didn't last very long). i can't believe it's been all this time and i'm still hung up on this man. even when i'm out with someone else, having a good time, my mind drifts over to that space that is filled with memories and thoughts of him. and i hate it.