maybe we're all a bit crazy

i found out yesterday that a female associate of mine has been ill for the past 2 months. i call her an associate only because i try not to use the term "friend" lightly - she and i are pretty cool, we talk once every few months or so, usually get together on birthdays, etc. but that's pretty much the extent of our "friendship". there's not real depth to it - not saying that in a negative way, it's just the way we've always been.

anyway, she suddenly became ill and ended up having to have 3 surgeries and has been out of work for 2 months. when she called yesterday and told me that, i was really scared for her, and so sympathetic because i can tell that it shook her up quite a bit, but also so relieved and grateful to God that she's well and ok now and resting comfortably at home.

well, now that she's on the road to wellness, she has this newfound freedom of spirit. she said several times that there's going to be a new "her," and has this whole new carpe diem attitude going on. on the surface, i'm thinking "that's great!" because life IS short, and we SHOULD approach it with a little more zeal and excitement, get out there and do things we used to be afraid to do.

but this woman's new free spirit and carpe diem motto seems to be gearing more towards....men. all throughout the conversation she kept talking about guys, and conversations she's having with guys, and how forward and uninhibited she's feeling now with these guys.

huh? what did i miss here? how did "seizing the day" become all about letting loose, becoming a bit provocative, and propositioning men ("proposition" was a word she used, not me)?

what i love about her is that she seems to have gotten a host of confidence and vibrancy that she didn't have before. but i'm just worried that in her new no holds barred attitude, she's going to end up seizing a heck of a lot more than just "the day."

i joked with her and told her that i refuse to let her become a 'post-traumatic whore.' and that if she wants to seize any day, she better take a trip, go skydiving or something, and leave these men alone. she laughed but i was dead serious. i'm getting a little worried about the girl. she gave me details of a conversation she had with a male friend and...yeah, i need to keep an eye on her. if you knew this woman, you'd know that her present "display" is not who she is. i'm worried that facing such sudden illness, multiple surgeries, hospitalization, and at one time, facing the unknown and thinking she was going to die, has had (totally understandably) a traumatic effect on her. i just don't want her to fly off the deep end and become someone she's going to regret.

i just don't know what to do other than pray for her. i'm going to visit her this week and take her grocery shopping and to dinner - she's been cooped up in her house and needs to get out. i'll pray that the Lord will give me the tools and strength i need to just be a source of love, light, comfort, and wisdom to her.

speaking of crazy, i wish Jesus would come down from Heaven and sit with me awhile. i need therapy.

this weekend, out of pure frustration, loneliness, feeling unsettled, and restless, i binge ate like you wouldn't believe. no working out, no swimming, barely even left the house except to go to church and run an errand or two. and i really did have things to do this weekend, but shut myself off from everything. i literally ate and slept my entire weekend away. the only time i even showered and got dressed was to go to church sunday morning. then back in my bed and pj's i went as soon as i got home (oh yeah, i did stop at Target and the grocery store).

i slept and slept and slept, then ate and ate and ate. last night, i lay awake at 3am, fearing gaining weight, wondering if i'm going to wake up and be 10 lbs heavier, and imagining that i could feel my body changing as i lay there. and then planning ways to make up for it this week, and chastising myself for not going to the gym.

i swear this morning i wanted to call my office and tell them i was 'calling in fat.' i weighed myself as soon as i woke up and i think i gained a pound.

this is my life all the time, even when i don't talk about it. not the binge part - thankfully, the binging is pretty rare. but i obsess about my body and my weight every hour of every day. not a moment goes by when i'm not wondering how i look to other people, comparing my body to every body that passes me, catching glimpses of myself in store windows and wishing something were different, trying on clothes and almost crying in fitting rooms because i hate the way things look. the other day in the locker room at the pool, a woman caught me staring at myself in the mirror in my bathing suit, turning each way, looking at myself from different angles. i do that every time i go swimming - as much as i love swimming, i always feel that sense of dread when i have to emerge from the locker room in my bathing suit. the woman who caught me obsessing laughed and said, "oh hunny, you look beautiful." i know she was trying to be nice, but i wanted to cry and run out the door and out to my car.

i count calories all day long, and refuse to go over my limit. i used to carry a notebook and write down every single morsel that i ate or drank and how many calories they contained. i don't do that anymore, mainly because i did it for so long that i can pretty much tell you how many calories are in everything. but now the drawback of not writing it all down, is that sometimes i forget that i ate something. so i find myself panicking inside wondering if i've gone over my calorie limit.

i don't know how to not care anymore. i don't know how to just be and not worry about my body. i wish i could just relax, enjoy a meal and not worry about those things. but i don't know how to do that. my sister was telling me about some good chinese food she had ordered on saturday. i was so jealous as i spoke in agreement, pretending i could relate. i couldn't bring myself to tell her that i haven't eaten chinese food in almost a year, after i read an article that discussed how calorie-laden it is, even the vegetable dishes, because of their cooking processes. my sister doesn't have to worry about that stuff. she's been tall and slender all her life.

but i clearly remember those days as a short, chubby kid, being teased and hiding my tears.
and i promised myself i would never be that girl again. that promise seems to have cost me a portion of my sanity.