through dangers seen and unseen

well, i have crossed yet another milestone in my life.

on saturday, i was in a car accident for the first time ever. it was pretty minor, very minimal vehicle damage to both cars, and most importantly not one ounce of personal injury.

God is so incredibly amazing. that was one of the scariest moments of my life, and though i am so eternally grateful that both the other driver and i weren't even a tiny bit injured in any way, every time i think about it, i cry.

i think my emotions are two-fold. my tears are in part due to the images in my mind of what the outcome COULD have been. the way that it all happened, my car was in a very vulnerable position and i could have been pummeled by oncoming traffic. but they were at a red light. saturday could have been the last day of my life. it could have been the last day of the other guy's life. or i could be in a coma in the hospital instead of sitting at my desk. but i'm here. i'm perfectly ok. my car even only has a little damage. HIS car even only had a little damage. i keep hearing the sound of our cars hitting each other - it's a sickening sound that's echoing in my ears. and when we got out of our cars to see, i was floored that the sound of the impact didn't match the visible aftermath. a sound like that cannot possibly produce such little damage. i was shocked.

my emotions are also due to how blessed, overwhelmed with thanksgiving and gratitude i feel to my Father in Heaven. every single day people die or are seriously injured that way. every minute of every day. why am i still here? i mean the accident really was pretty minor compared to most so i'm not going to juice it up and make it sound like my car flipped over or anything, but when i think of how it could have turned out...wow. i don't deserve life any more than anyone else. i am unworthy of that kind of protection and power over my life. i can see God's hand in all of that. my car ended up in the oncoming traffic lane during a very busy saturday afternoon on a very busy main road - had they not been at a red light, i don't know if i would be here. had things happened any differently than they did, i don't know if i or the other person would be here.

everything happened so fast that i didn't even have time to yell Jesus' name. but He was there. i know it. and i don't deserve that kind of presence and protection. i feel like i should have fallen to my knees right there in the street and worshiped God right there, but i was numb with fear and awe. i couldn't, i didn't have any reactions. i was talking, all the technical talks about what happened, getting information, etc. but it was just my brain functioning in auto-pilot, doing what it knew to do - to be practical, to get things done. my heart wasn't present though.

everything is such a blur...i was so nervous that my hand shook as i tried to write all the information down. i was too scared to even cry at the scene. it's funny how calm you can seem in a panicky situation. looking back on it, i'm sure it was God's peace surrounding me so that i didn't lose it right there.

i didn't break down until after i had driven away, and i pulled into a parking lot and wept and wept on my steering wheel.

i keep replaying it over and over, and i feel like nothing i say to God will ever ever let Him know exactly how thankful i am for His watchful eye that neither sleeps nor slumbers. i could sing to Him, bow in worship, and shout psalms of thanksgiving and praise all day long, and it still wouldn't reflect the swelling of gratitude in my heart that i feel. it's a feeling that no words can describe - so i'm glad that God can see into my heart and read all the things in there that i can't verbalize. it still won't do Him justice, but it's all i have to offer.

never before have i felt so...loved. and amazed. and it's not because of me. it's because of God. just because He's God, He loves me that much. never before have i felt this thankful for anything, and i can' t stop telling Him thank you. it reminds me of that MercyMe song that goes "i know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain."

if it takes things like this to swell my heart with praise and thanksgiving to Jesus, i'll take them every day. though saturday's events scared me more than i can say and it was hours before i stopped trembling inside, this feeling of peace and joy and thanksgiving that i've had since then, the feeling i keep getting every time i think about it and the tears come, the feeling i keep getting when i whisper, "Jesus, thank you," i don't want it to ever go away. if i have to have scary moments like that to make my heart this full of praise, i take them - gladly.

no matter what i may face today, tomorrow, or the next day, i don't ever want to stop loving Jesus as much as i do right now.


** to leave you on a lighter note:

why did the guy with whom i had the accident ask me out on a date.

i mean, ok Lord, i know i've been praying for a husband, but is THIS how you're sending him into my life? (j/k...i so doubt this is my "him")

i guess that would be kind of a romantic story:

"so how did you two meet?" "oh, we slammed into each other on the road..."

i guess i could have titled this post "Collisions and Courtship"

:-D